Monday, December 19, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Are you going to see the new King Kong movie? Have you heard the new 50 Cent CD?
Oh my well-dressed Americans. You sons of the Old West. My Great American Dreamers. You closet Clint Eastwoods. You Video Game Heroes. Freedom is on the March. Weapons of Mass Destruction? We never said that. This is about Freedom! You can take your scissors on planes now. We’ll stop patting you down so much. Keep flying. Everything is going to be okay. Buy. Buy Now. Buy. Just go about your business. Have you seen the new Ipods? Have you seen the new CSI? The New Season of American Idol? Just keep doing what you’re doing.
What kind of cell phone do you have? Does it have a camera? How many pixels? Oh that’s so cool. You’re hip. You’re with it. Keep doing what you’re doing. Ignore the man behind the green curtain.
Do you really care who your representative is in Congress? Do you even know what district you live in? Aw, forget about it. Who has time for that crap? I’m sure he’s looking out for your best interests. Your Congressman is the ONE congressman who isn’t letting you get butt-fucked by twenty lobbyists. Your Congressman has integrity. Your congressman is looking out for your best interests. He’s not getting rich. He’s not taking bribes. There’s no reason to look into it. Do not pay attention. Really. Just go about your business. How’s your team doing in the NFL? Got all your Christmas Shopping done? Lindsay Lohan made a new CD. Did you see that Johnny Cash movie?
Buy. Buy Now. Buy. Have you seen the new HD TVs? The picture on those things are fantastic. Don’t you think you should have one? Everybody’s getting them. Can’t afford one? You could charge it. You can always charge it. You can afford it. You'll be able to pay it off. Charge it. Use the plastic. It's so easy. It's so convenient. Charge it. Buy. Buy Now. Buy.
Have we not given you Free Speech Zones? Have we not given you Designated Places to Express Your Free Speech? Do not cross this line. You are Free. You are Free to do whatever you want as long as you stay in Designated Areas. You are Free.
We can tap your phone. We can read your Email. But you are a Good Citizen. You have Nothing To Hide. What library books have you checked out? None. What's the matter? Aren't you Patriotic? You better be. That's right. We know you are Patriotic. You should Act like a Patriot. You don't read books do you? Good. Those things will just fill your head with crazy ideas. It's okay if we spy on you, because you have nothing to hide. You just go to work, you Buy. You Pay Your Taxes. You have Nothing To Worry About. Only Criminals need to worry about us watching them. We are watching you, but it's for your Own Good. You have Nothing To Hide. How bout those Supermodels huh? Crazy Skinny Girls. Do you like Country Music? We got that. Listen to that. Have a Beer. Relax. We will not Abuse Our Power. Relax. Watch some TV. Eat some Pizza.
By the way, in case you were wondering, there is no such thing as DoubleSpeak. Clear Skies Initiative. Patriot Act. Keep doing what you're doing. Does that thing have a Hemi in it? Ask your Doctor. Rich, smooth taste. Drink responsibly. Buy. Buy Now. Buy.
Who represents your district? What district do you live in? Oh, what difference does it make? It’s all politics anyway. That stuff is too confusing. Who has time for that? Buy. Buy Now. Buy. They’re just deciding how you’ll live, how they’ll spend your money, what rights you’ll lose next. Don’t worry about it. Did you hear about that poor girl lost in Aruba? Can you believe Scott Peterson did that? New Panda Cubs. New Panda Cubs. Nick and Jessica. Ben and Angelina. Poor Jennifer Anniston. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. 911. 911. 911. 911. 911.
Ask your doctor if Jesus is right for you.
You’ll all have jobs soon enough. The glaciers are just fine. The deficit is nothing to worry about. Global Warming? Don’t worry about it. Hey, does that have a Hemi in it? Wow, the grill of your new truck is really intimidating in my rear-view mirror. Grr! Your truck looks so angry and tough! You must really be a rugged outdoorsman. Have you backed up your files lately? Would you know what cow shit looked like if you saw it? What does that matter? You've got a cool truck! It looks cool when you go to Home Depot or Office Max. Buy. Buy. Buy Now!
These hurricanes, it’s just a natural cycle. Nothing to worry about. You displaced peoples, something will come up. I mean, we made it through two world wars, a civil war, Vietnam, Korea, the Seventies, and the Great Depression. You’ll work something out. Have you tried Red Bull yet? It’s a real pick-me-up.
Buy. Buy Now. Buy.
We cannot forget the lessons of 911. Freedom is on the March. It's hard work. We're making progress. I don't read the polls. Heh heh.
We are the Greatest Nation On Earth! We’re no better or worse than anyone else. Except the Arabs, I mean, they’re just screwed up. And the Chinese. Barbarians. And the Mexicans. And the Canadians. Please. Okay, we’re the best country in the world, and Jesus is on our side. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Buy. Buy Now. Buy. Beechwood Aged. New Centrino Technology. We got the Nukes, and we got Hollywood, and we got an Army. And We Got Jesus. Support the Troops. Buy a yellow magnet. Stick it on your SUV, fill up that big giant tank, hammer the gas, go to work, work. pay your taxes. Buy. Buy More. Buy.
Did we not win WWII? Did we not win the Cold War? We do not torture. We are invincible. The World better get in Line. Either you're with us or against us. We do not torture.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. Your parents, when they get old, will be able to work something out. Somehow. Maybe they’ll be able to move in with you. Oh, come on! Some people will just have to go without healthcare. I mean, so what if businesses don't open up shop here because they have to foot the bill for healthcare? Outsourcing is a good thing. Global economy. Some people will have to go without. That's just the way things work. I mean, that would be socialism. That's not freedom. We're free. Freedom. Lessons of 911. Freedom.
And you people who are doing okay now, don’t worry about anything. We don't want to rock the boat or change the status-quo or anything. You're rich because you deserve to be rich. Everybody gets what they deserve.
And the rest of you: Buy. Buy Now. Buy. You’ll pay off those debts somehow. Just charge it. Just charge it. Plastic is good. Buy. Buy Now. Buy.
Oh my sweet children of the American Revolution, you citizens of the most powerful country on earth, don’t worry about a thing.
Ignore the man behind the Green Curtain. If your district has been changed up, don’t worry. Do the Voters choose the Candidates, or do the Candidates choose the Voters? What's the difference? It’s just a little Gerrymandering. Nothing to be afraid of. Just keep going to work and keep doing what you are doing.
Just shut up and pay your taxes. We’ll worry about how to spend it. I mean, we’re not getting rich or anything. The lessons of 911. The lessons of 911. The lessons of 911. The lessons of 911.
Did you know that many lobbyists are former congressmen, and they can use the gym, cafeteria and all that just like they used to, but now they work for Big Corporations? You can't just sidle up to your congressman and chat him up on an issue, but rich white people can. Why? Because they're rich and you're not. And they know best. They have money and you don't, so they are better than you are. Just keep your mouth shut and keep doing what you are doing. There is nothing to worry about. These Big Corporations might ship your job offshore, but you can drive your big trucks to TWO jobs. Just make sure you pay your taxes. The Big Companies are looking out for You. Your Best Interests. Drive faster. You might be able to be first at the red light. Drive faster. Does that thing have a hemi in it?
Got your Christmas Shopping done? Jesus wants you to Buy. Buy Now. Buy. Show your love with merchandise.
It’s okay for the wealthy to decide things for you. They're rich because they DESERVE to be rich. Obviously they did something right and you didn’t. I mean, lets face it, if you’re not rich now, you’re never going to be. So let them decide what’s best for you. They must have something on the ball, or they wouldn’t have all that money. Right? I mean, you’re only as valuable as your checkbook. You know what? Stay home on election day. We'll take care of everything. You're too busy. You have things to do.
Have you seen the new Xbox? I mean, come on, it’s so cool.
Buy. Buy Now. Buy. (Rant manifested@ 2329/12/13/05. buy. buy now. buy.)
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Sunday, November 27, 2005
I once took Madonna to the airport. She was standing by the side of the road with a mountain of high priced luggage two miles west of McPherson Kansas in 1993. I pulled over in my 1963 sky-blue Ford Fairlane and asked her if she needed a ride.
She asked me to take her to the Wichita airport, and I agreed.
She had eight bags with her, all expensive luggage. I threw the bags in the trunk and back seat, and we were off.
Trying to remain cool, I pretended not to recognize her. She was wearing sunglasses, and her hair was pulled back in a pony-tail, and she was wearing jeans and a simple white top. But I knew her instantly. She was really pissed off.
“That twit Raphael is going to be so fired when I get back to L.A.,” she said. In ’96 she had yet to put on her ridiculous fake British accent, so her saying “twit” was sort of prophetic.
She didn’t even pretend to care who I was. She didn’t even ask me my name.
“I’m Dan,” I said. “I’d play the radio, but it’s broken.”
“Brilliant.” She said. Again a British expression, no British accent.
“Well, I was going to get it replaced. I like some of your songs.”
“Oh, thank you,” she said, and she finally smiled, showing the famous gap between her teeth.I drove her to the airport. She gave me gas money and autographed a Domino's Pizza box I had in the back seat. I still have that pizza box. I have it framed in my office. No one believes me when I tell this story.