I golfed Tuesday and shot horribly. I did hit a lot of fairways, but couldn't chip to save my life. I painted yesterday, up on a ladder; I painted the highest reaches of our sprawling estate. I went to my writer’s club today. That was pretty cool. I sent a story to the “Air Out My Shorts” podcast. They read short-short 800 word stories there. They’ve already read one of mine in episode #46, so maybe they’ll read another one.

I’m plotting out a new bestselling novel. I’ve found a way to plot it all out first so it doesn’t go to shit in the first couple of chapters.

I’ve slept on my neck wrong for two days in a row, and it’s pissing me off, because it is like having a hangover, but I haven’t had any beer. What a rip!

best viewed with headphones.

Get a friggin' chauffeur. She can't afford to hire a driver? Duh. Rich people are so friggin' stupid. But sometimes they pull off some stunning mug shots . . .

The Witches of Eastwick

John Updike

1984

* * *

The first three-quarters were great. The last part, boring. Updike can really describe stuff. ~ July 21, 2007

Hey everybody,

Check out Don's new podcast, Marathon Minute. He's on the radio and everything. Inspirational messages, even if you don't run. http://www.marathonminute.com/

President Bush will undergo a colonoscopy tomorrow, and I want each and every one of you to pray very hard and very sincerely that everything goes smoothly, no matter what your political or religious bent.

Because if something goes wrong, Vice President Dick Cheney, also knows as You-Know-Who, the Dark Lord, the Prince of Evil himself, would gain the President's Throne and all of its New Expanded Executive Powers.

He would become an unstoppable force of Evil that would devour everything and cast the world into a cloud of Eternal Darkness.

And we don't want that. The only person who would do more harm than GWB would be Dick.

So pray very hard for Mr. Bush, and let's hope he has a speedy recovery. Long Live the King! Long live King George!

if you look like this:



Please don't put yourself in front of a camera. And shame on CNN and Larry King for exploiting this poor, dying, terrifying walking corpse. Jeez.

While Savannah and I were at the bookstore at about 8 PM, a kid was setting up a tent for the Midnight release of the 7th Harry Potter book. That’s only 28 hours away. Good luck kid!

Savannah and I saw the latest Harry Potter movie. It was pretty dark and action packed. It was pretty good.

http://blogs.abcnews.com/theblotter/2007/07/fbi-iraqis-bein.html

Hi kids,

Nothing to report, but I found this funny story: http://film.guardian.co.uk/news/story/0,,2128300,00.html

May you have a nice day.

Recently it came out that Former Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona was coerced into towing the party line. From the NY Times:

"White House officials would not allow him to speak or issue reports about stem cells, emergency contraception, sex education, or prison, mental and global health issues because of political concerns."

The most despicable thing I read in the story:

And administration officials even discouraged him from attending the Special Olympics because, he said, of that charitable organization’s longtime ties to the Kennedy family.

“I was specifically told by a senior person, ‘Why would you want to help those people?’ ” Dr. Carmona said.

The Special Olympics is one of the nation’s premier charitable organizations to benefit disabled people.

How screwed up do you have to be to discourage someone from helping out with the Special Olympics. Could we impeach Bush already? I mean Jesus H. Christ, this guy is a scumbag.

read the whole story here

I have tried. I understand that the rest of the world loves soccer. I’ve made an honest effort to watch soccer. I even watched the world cup. David Beckham has joined some team in LA, and everyone is speculating that it will make Americans watch soccer. I don’t think so. I once watched the movie “Bend it Like Beckham,” because I thought my daughters might like it, but it was boring, and when I rented it, I had no idea who David Beckham was. At least Keira Knightley was in the movie, she’s smoking hot.

Even if Keira Knightley, and a bunch of other equally hot girls formed a soccer league and played in bikinis, I’d probably only watch a couple of times. . . no wait, I might tune in to that program more than once, but that’s about the only way I’d watch soccer. And then only if at the end, they mud-wrestled.

Because soccer is boring. I know that we Americans should join in the international sport, so that a global sense of fellowship and some kind of common spirit would traverse the globe, eventually resulting in international peace and goodwill.

But really, the only time soccer is interesting is when there is a big drunken riot, and then only when the good parts of the riots are condensed into a four minute montage on one of those “Shocking Video” shows you see on the spike channel.

And oh yeah, when that one dude head-butted that other dude. That was cool.

So, I know the LA Whatchamacallits are banking on Beckham drawing a crowd to American soccer. I understand that he’s the Michael Jordan of soccer and all that, but the coolest thing about him, to me at least, is that he’s tagging Posh Spice. That means he’s cool. That fact that he’s good at soccer? Meh, whatever.

So good luck American Soccer people. When Beckham shows up on “The Surreal Life” with a pot-belly and a drinking problem with Lance Armstrong and Maria Sharapova, then we’ll know he’s really made it.

The Razor’s Edge by W. Somerset Maugham has everything a novel should have. Fantastic characters, death, marriages, romance, jealousy, deceit, and a story that moves. There is Larry the mystic, Elliot the lovable snob, Isabel the socialite. Every character is distinct. The stock market crashes in ’29 at just the right point. This work is a masterpiece, and everybody should read it. Right now!

Donnie Iris’s “Ah Leah” is a great friggin’ song. The vocals are awesome. The simple base line and sonic wave of sound, especially in a good set of earphones, rocks. The guitar solo, probably sixteen notes long, is simple, yet it would peel the paint off the wall if cranked up enough.

if you are bad in this life, you will re-incarnate into this chair after you die.

Why no blog posts lately? Well, my life has been smooth and uneventful. Today I joined a writer’s group, and it was actually pretty nice. I’m motivated to write. Plus, people read my writing, and that makes me happy. This week I mowed the lawn. I fixed several computers. I pulled about a million mulberries from our pool. I went to the Firehouse Open, thrown each year by some friends of mine, and I had many Bloody Marys. I golfed okay, I suppose. I’m working on a book idea, but so far, it sucks ass.

My fascination with everything Paris Hilton is finally wearing off. For awhile there, I had to know what she was doing every minute of every day, and I had no shortage of "news" outlets that were more than willing to give me everything I wanted. Actually, I'm being sarcastic. Sort of. London is getting attacked by terrorists. I’m already sick of all the presidential candidates on both sides.

I’m watering my lawn. I’m going to have a rum-and-club-soda-with-lime in a few minutes. I’m reading The Razor’s Edge by W. Somerset Maugham. I looked this edition up on the Internets, and somebody’s selling one for $350.00 bucks. This book has the following stamped on the backside of the title page:

THIS BOOK HAS NOT BEEN CONDENSED, ITS BULK IS LESS BECAUSE GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS PROHIBIT USE OF HEAVIER PAPER.

I think they must have been rationing paper or something for the war? It came out in 1944.

Anywhoo, Deb and the girls are visiting her mom today, so I got the place to myself. I’m going to have a drink, a smoke, and a sit on the porch, and I’m going to read.

I’ve been trying to catch my secret crush Maria Sharapova at the Wimbledon, but I keep missing it. I keep catching the guys playing tennis, and who wants to watch that crap? That's almost as pointless as watching men's beach volleyball. Makes no sense whatsoever.