Thursday, December 20, 2012

Simple Rules for American Problem Solving

As Americans, whenever we face dire, complicated, and urgent problems, we must remember to follow a few simple rules:

  1. Slogans: Yell short, catchy slogans at anyone who might disagree with your worldview. Repeat talking points. Eye rolling should begin as soon as the other side responds with their own canned responses. 
  2. Simplicity: Offer simple, easy to understand solutions that only address the symptoms of the problem.  While imperfect, this bolsters the worldview of your "side".  Use hypothetical situations to explain why these imaginary situations bolster your own arguments.Insist that there is only ONE cause, and therefore, only ONE solution.  If the problem involves many causes, it is too complicated for America to solve.  
  3. Anger: Be angry. Be very angry that someone fails to see the genius of your solution, or the solution that your "side" offers.
  4. Derision: Make sure to discount any idea from the other "side." Admitting that they might have good ideas is a sign of weakness.  The other "side" is full of idiots.  Obviously.  No one from the other "side" will ever have a good idea, no matter how reasonable it sounds.
  5. Victory: Always make sure that your "side" wins, at all costs.
  6. Stubbornness: Reject nuanced positions or complicated ideas that might require compromise.  Compromise is for the weak.
  7. Emotion: Appeal to emotion when making an argument.
  8. Win: Every problem is a contest that must be "won" at all cost.  The other "side" must lose.  And they are wrong. They must be reminded how wrong they are. Even if you don't know the answer to the problem, be absolutely positive that "their" answer is 100% wrong. Point out the weaknesses in their solution, demanding an absolute perfect solution.  Offer no solutions.
  9. Criticism: Point out the weaknesses of the other side's arguments, while obfuscating the weaknesses of your own side.
  10. Accusations: Demonize the other "side." Blame them.  Use terms like "blood on their hands."  Point out the worst examples of people on their "side," and claim that these bad examples represent the entire group, while simultaneously ignoring the lunatics on your own side.  Generalize.  Make straw-man arguments. 

I think with these simple rules in mind, America's future will be better, brighter, and more civil.  Freedom.

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I am the author of 5 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, The Cubicles of Madness, Robot Stories, and most recently, Various Meats and Cheeses. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at