Saturday, November 02, 2013

A LIGHTHEARTED TAKE ON LEAF BLOWERS:

I am against the use of military drones within the borders of the United States, with one exception:

People using leaf blowers.

I know this sounds harsh, but the 2nd Amendment covers the right to keep firearms, and although thousands of people lose their lives to gun violence every year, people have the right, so whatever. It doesn't cover leaf blowers, because our founding fathers knew that leaf blowers were fucking horrible.

I'm glad I don't own a firearm, because if I did, I would walk over and shoot that motherfucker right in his fucking face.

Leaf blowers? Leaf blowers are an abomination. I hope there is a special place in hell for people who use their awful, noisy, stupid leaf blowers on what would otherwise be a peaceful, beautiful fall Saturday morning.

Guess what I'm listening to, right now, as I type this? Some lazy-ass, no good, fucked up neighbor of mine, running his god-damned leaf blower.

Use a rake you lazy-ass motherfucker.

Please NSA, please read this and put together a comprehensive security plan that would allow military drones to tomahawk missile these motherfuckers and their leaf-blowers straight to hell. Leave a god-damned smoking crater in their fucking yard, where the gently falling leaves can quietly accumulate over the years.

Motherfucker.

for the record: I would never shoot or otherwise harm in any way anybody, ever. this is a writing exercise. Jesus Christ.

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I am the author of 8 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, Brain Giblets, The Cubicles of Madness, Booze and News, Get Your Zen On, Zen Happens, and most recently, Robot Stories. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at danmanning.com

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