Monday, May 30, 2016


So we went to Lowe's to get some paint. They had red and blue balloons everywhere, and they were playing patriotic(?) music over the speakers.  

They played "Hail to The Chief," then "Marines' Hymn" then some other patriotic sounding march, then "The U.S. Air Force" (Off we go into the wild blue yonder). So they had these songs cued up in advance, specifically for Memorial Day, so people would buy more patio furniture maybe.  

And then, it took me awhile to place it: they played a slow instrumental version of Berlin's (the band, "Berlin") 1986 hit, "Take my Breath Away," which was featured in the movie "Top Gun." So I guess because Memorial Day? And Freedom?  

So in the spirit of patriotic-adjacent gestures to commemorate (?) Memorial Day, I bought a fish fillet sandwich at McDonald's in honor of Mr. Limpet, from the movie The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964). This is a tradition I plan on keeping. Every Memorial Day.   Because Mr. Limpet fought the sea-Nazis or something.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

the price is too high

They say that if you listen to the song "Stayin' Alive" ten times in a row, the ghost of Maurice Gibb will materialize in your kitchen and make you a sandwich. But the price is too high.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Opinions are over-rated.

Saying "It's just my opinion" is much more palatable than saying, "It's just my ignorance and bigotry." It's less awkward.

Also, people who don't understand how words work can often think "opinion" means "my despicable support for a harmful stereotype."

Some mistake the meannig of "opinion" as: "my inability to filter toxic establishment propaganda due to my lack of introspection and my compete lack of empathy." That's a mouthful.

"That's just my opinion," is much easier to say.

The "great" thing about having an opinion is that once formed {on whatever half-assed "information" it is precariously based} a person can blissfully stop thinking about an issue and close the mind, and ignore facts contradicting this wonderful "opinion."

Armed with this opinion, the person is impervious to argument, compassionate regard, or any reason. So yeah, having an "opinion" can be pretty fucked up, in my opinion.

Thursday, May 05, 2016


 Recently, online, I was taken to task for insulting Ham Sandwiches everywhere by saying I would vote for a Ham Sandwich before I would cast a vote for Donald Trump. This was not meant as a slight to Ham Sandwiches. It was only one example.

Not only would I vote for a Ham Sandwich before I'd vote for Mr. Trump, there is a long list of other things / people / events I would choose. This is not an attack against Donald Trump. This is to clarify my respect for Ham Sandwiches. I have no ill will toward Mr. Trump, and I'm sure he'd be very capable of doing other things; he simply does not belong in the White House.

There have been many men who lived in the White House who didn’t belong there.

Here are some other people, things, and events I would vote for before I would vote for Mr. Trump:

A hologram of Gary Coleman

A VHS Box Set of the 1981 season of "Bosom Buddies"

The ghost of Paul Lynde

Paul Reubens

That time they rescued those miners who were trapped in a mine.


A non-working iPod bought at a yard sale.

Hermione Jean Granger

The last few minutes of “Gladiator” when they carry Russell Crowe out of the arena. That always gets me.

The guy down the street shaking a sign in front of Little Caesars (fun fact: inexplicably, there's no apostrophe in "Little Caesars")

Velma Dinkley

Peter Dinklage

Pete Best

A Random Best Buy Employee

The moldering corpse of Julius Caesar.

William Shatner

That time in 1996 when that gymnast did that vault with a hurt ankle.

Zombie Dick Clark

A Star Wars waffle iron (yes, this merch exists)

Charles Manson (I feel an explanation is required for this one. First, he'd be surrounded by Secret Service 24/7 so you don't have to worry about that first thing you were worried about: second: hasn't he been in jail long enough? third: it would come as such a shock to him, he probably wouldn't get around to doing as much harm as Mr. Trump would be capable of doing.)

An old cup of coffee in a Styrofoam cup that has been in the garage for a couple of days, and you know when it has evaporated down a little, but there is a ring on the inside of the cup above the level of the remaining coffee? Yes. #OldCupOfCoffee2016!

My dog, Ginger!

So anyway, Freedom and democracy, or whatever.

About Me

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I am the author of 8 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, Brain Giblets, The Cubicles of Madness, Booze and News, Get Your Zen On, Zen Happens, and most recently, Robot Stories. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at

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