Wednesday, December 04, 2013


Spoonbending is coming back! You've read about it all over the Internet, you've seen it on the news. Perhaps you've seen the flyers in the coffee shops! Everyone is spoonbending, and of course, you want to get in on this hot new trend!

Spoonbending is simple. Get an ordinary spoon. Hold the spoon by the "neck," that supple, narrow part of the spoon under the spoon part where the soup goes. Don't put soup in it. This is a clean spoon. Don't put it in your mouth. No. We are repourposing the spoon to amaze and astound our friends and family.

Hold the spoon between your thumb and forefinger, so the handle hangs down (by gravity!) and the scoopy part is up above where you're holding it, which is the neck (See the above paragraph, above).

Now you've got it by the neck. That spoon knows who is in charge. Yet the neck of the spoon remains stubbornly solid. It is its solidity we must tackle, and we'll do it by this one simple trick:

Simply empty your mind of all conscious thought and completely vaporize your ego, so that you are empty phenomenon, holding what? Nothing! The spoon is gone, and so are you! Now the spoon bends . . . in your mind. The spoon is still exactly as it was before, but will anyone see it? No! You no longer want to impress anyone by spoonbending, because you are now selfless phenomena, one with the universe, and the spoon! Get it?

But that is a cop out. Let's get real. Let's really bend that spoon: How to really bend spoons: First, you need a guru. Perhaps you know some bearded gentleman in your neighborhood. If you are picturing an old, wise Asian gentleman, or some sort of turbaned Hindu mystic, you should check yourself. That's total stereotyping, and you should stop it. God, you are such a racist sometimes, I swear. You need a guru of some sort to teach you mental disciplines and physical calisthenics, yoga or perhaps deep breathing exercises.

Then, after months or years of training, you are ready to bend the spoon. Now: hold the spoon as described above in the above paragraphs (above). Focus all of your mental energy on the neck of the spoon, and as you do so, move the two fingers, between which you have grasped the neck of the spoon, and make tiny circles, focusing all of your mental and physical energies on that point, heating it with friction and the psionic powers you developed over your months of training with your guru, who may or may not have charged you money in the form or "donations," or "dinner," or outright fees. He has to eat, you know. "All of the guru powers in the world don't change the fact that people have rent. I mean Jesus Christ, I can't live on good vibes you know. Why are you always such a tight ass? We talked about that. Your materialism is what's holding you back. And the issues you have at work." So anyway. Make small circles. You will feel your life-force focused exclusively on that point of the neck of the spoon. You might feel doubts. A thought might flutter through you mind, even for a moment, "I should have gone to college like my parents wanted me to," or, "What am I compensating for, trying to bend this spoon? Isn't there some better way to spend my time?" or "I think this 'guru' is taking advantage of me. I've never seen him bend a spoon." Ignore these distractions. Focus. Focus on that god-damned spoon. That spoon that insists on being so solid. Convince it that it is not solid. "You are a spoon, bend already. Jesus Christ, the embarrassment alone should bend you in half. Everybody's thinking this isn't going to happen. Why didn't I practice this alone? They already think I'm a freak, and now this." Make excuses, and after the awkwardness, don't leave right away, or everyone will think it is because you are embarrassed. Have a drink, laugh it off, make some small talk, and then get the hell out of there and try to regroup.

Okay: how to bend a spoon with your mind: This is serious this time, so pay close attention to every word I'm about to lay down, because this is some mind-expanding stuff right here.

Hold the spoon as described in the above paragraphs. BY THE NECK. Got it? Okay. Now: picture someone who is dead. Patrick Swayze is a good choice, because he helps people with various arts and crafts, but he isn't the only choice. What you need is someone from "the other side" to bring a blowtorch from "the other side." I know it sounds fantastic, but if you don't believe in spiritual stuff like ghosts and afterlives, why don't you open up your mind and stop being such a damned nihilist? I mean, if there's no afterlife, what's the point of all this? You always do this! You're always so negative about stuff, no wonder you can't bend the spoon. Can't there be any mysteries in life? Does everything have to be a lab experiment with you? So cold. So god damned cold and clinical. Wait, where was I? Oh yes. Other suggestions would be people who were famous for welding . . . did I just open my web browser and Google "famous welders?" Possibly. Did I find any? Not really. As far as I can tell, there are no seriously "famous" welders you could summon from the Indescribable Paradox of The Afterscape to bring a welding torch to heat the spoon enough to allow you to bend it. Summoning a demon is always a bad idea, although they bring their own heat and could melt the spoon in a snap, but they always want something in return, and I'm not about to go into it, but it is bad news. Believe me. So demon summoning is out. So you are stuck with a spirit of the dead, and I'm thinking the only dead person that could help would be Patrick Swayze, who, as far as I can tell (from his Wikipedia page) has no welding experience, but he does things in clay, and even though that doesn't apply here, for all we know, he could have taken welding in shop class in high school. Anywhoo, summon the spirits of the dead to bend the spoon, somehow.

I think that covers the basics. After reading this essay, you should be able to perform the following tasks:

1. bend spoons with your mind.

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I am the author of 5 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, The Cubicles of Madness, Robot Stories, and most recently, Various Meats and Cheeses. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at