Thursday, February 12, 2009

honky tonk badonkadonk

So I'm taking Deb's van to gas it up, and what comes on the Radio? Trace Adkins' "Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk." I kid you not. Why does this exist? Why, if this exists, does the very fabric of the universe not slice open revealing the howling void beyond and suck this pathetic planet and all of the pathetic primates known as "humanity" with it? "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk?" Really? That is so fractally wrong, I don't even know where to begin.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame Trace Adkins. He is a performer, and he's giving the people what they want. The problem is: people want this crap.

He gets paid MONEY to write (or at least sing) the following, and I quote:
It's so hard not to stare
At that honky tonk badonkadonk
Keepin' perfect rhythm
Make ya wanna swing along
Got it goin' on
Like Donkey Kong
Got it goin' on "Like Donkey Kong"? Really? Oh my Sweet Baby Jesus Christ, how does this exist? I mean, how come they don't write songs like they used to? As in:
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
See? Now that's poetry. What was Sir Mix-A-Lot trying to tell us here? He was talking about Truth. He is talking about his respect for women. He is declaring his love of big butts.

I think Trace Adkins can learn a few things from Sir Mix-A-Lot. Where is the poetry? Where is the creativity? What is this world coming to?

If this is what passes as "country" music, I'm sure Merle Haggard is rolling in his grave. What's that? Merle Haggard isn't dead yet? Well then I'm sure Merle Haggard, if he hears this abomination, this "New Country", he will strangle himself just so he can be buried and thus twirl around in his grave like a lathe set on high.

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I am the author of 8 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, Brain Giblets, The Cubicles of Madness, Booze and News, Get Your Zen On, Zen Happens, and most recently, Robot Stories. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at danmanning.com

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