Friday, February 13, 2009



Dan Manning

We are losing jobs at an alarming rate. In a report dated January 16, 2009, there have already been over 87,000 jobs lost this year. My plan would drastically reduce joblessness, ease traffic congestion, raise home prices and ease the financial burden of grocery bills.

I'm talking of course, about cannibalism.

Now before you reject this idea, hear me out. My plan is simple. Every American must pledge to eat at least one other American.

This won't be as difficult as it sounds. Think about your neighbors for a minute. Is there at least one neighbor you wouldn't miss? Isn't there at least one you could live without? Is there someone you might actually be glad to see gone? That neighbor could be the source of meat for at least ten meals, twenty if processed carefully by a professional butcher.

Job creation:

If that person is employed, consuming that person (in a humane and dignified manner) opens up a job for someone else. If that person is unemployed, then eating that person would mean there is one less person receiving unemployment benefits, easing the entitlement burden on everyone else.

Traffic congestion:

Eating your neighbor immediately reduces that person's carbon footprint to zero. Consuming your next door neighbor, means one less person driving around in a car, and that means less carbon monoxide(co) which reduces the body's ability to carry oxygen . So you can breath easier with every American consumed. According to the Texas Transportation Institute’s (TTI) 2007 Urban Mobility Report , Americans waste 4.2 billion hours per year and burn 9.2 billion gallons of fuel per year just sitting in traffic. That's a drain of $78 billion on our nation's economy. If we all vowed to eat just one American this year, we could cut those numbers in half.

The idea may still seem strange, perhaps even repugnant to some readers, so let me make it more appetizing. Let's say someone cuts you off in traffic. Instead of flipping them the bird, or getting frustrated, follow that person to their house. Eat them. You've done your duty to your country, you've lowered unemployment and greenhouse gas emissions, you've saved on your grocery bill, and you've got back at that son-of-a-bitch for cutting you off in traffic and driving like an idiot. Where's the downside to that?

But what about the children?

Children are small. They put up less of a fight, so feel free to eat two. They are going to grow up and breed anyway. Consuming children will result in smaller class sizes in our public schools. To reduce cases of childhood obesity, eat the largest, most annoying children first. In an added benefit, fat kids are delicious.

The Homeless:

Many of you are probably thinking, "We should eat the homeless first." That is a natural response to the idea, but it is misguided. The homeless have very small carbon footprints, and they are a central part of the Cannibalism Plan. Because the homeless have fewer advantages, they need extra help. So I propose feeding the homeless with the prepared bodies of mortgage bankers and Wall Street brokers, the guys who got us into this mess in the first place. Given the opportunity, the homeless could use this new initiative to eat even more of the people who got us into this mess, such as congressmen, lobbyists, and corporate executives. Another reason to not eat homeless people: meat from free-range humans is notoriously stringy and dry.

Celebrities/TV to Promote the Plan:

Cooking shows could lead the way by teaching Americans innovative ways to prepare and cook other Americans. Studio audience members could be chosen (by other audience members) to be prepared by celebrity chefs on television to get the ball rolling.

Celebrities should be encouraged to lead by example. Members of The Today Show, for example, could encourage other Americans to eat other Americans by eating Al Roker, but only after reversing his gastric bypass surgery he had in March of 2002. They might spend weeks fattening him up to pre-2002 levels. Once a week they could weigh him on a scale and chart his progress and when he returned to his fighting weight of 320 pounds, they could ritualistically sacrifice him (for the betterment of the country) and eat him, after having him prepared by special guest, the adorable Rachael Ray.

Sports Events to Promote the Plan:

Sports teams who lose can be consumed by crowds after the sporting event ends. The Detroit Lions would be consumed on general principle. The losers of the Superbowl could be made into a giant plate of nachos. Unfortunately, due to steroid use, baseball players are not safe for consumption. Their tax rates should be increased dramatically to compensate for this unfair advantage.

The Housing Market:

One drawback to this plan would be even more empty houses on the market, which would lower housing prices even further. That could be alleviated by bulldozing those homes (once the occupants have been eaten) and selling the plot of land to the people in the next occupied house, thus adding to green space overall, reducing the number of houses on the market, and providing a buffer zone between neighbors, who will now be terrified that their neighbors are going to come over and eat them.

The homes occupied by the non-eaten will now have huge plots of land to use for gardens, solar panels, and parks (or to erect razor-wire fences to keep out the neighbors, who are trying to eat them).

The Downside:

There is a downside to this plan. You may be eaten. If you are chosen to be eaten, please don't put up a fight. You are doing your country a big favor by going down without a fuss. We've got you outnumbered anyway, and you know you'd eat us if it was the other way around. Sorry.

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About Me

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I am the author of 8 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, Brain Giblets, The Cubicles of Madness, Booze and News, Get Your Zen On, Zen Happens, and most recently, Robot Stories. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at

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