(Excerpt from my widely unread book of essays, Booze and News!)
One day, a little boy was saying his prayers, and he asked, "God, why did you make humans the way you did?"
And low and behold, God
appeared to the boy as a glowing light outside the boy's window.
"That's a great
question Timmy, and I've been waiting for someone to ask. There seems to be some confusion down here,
and I'd like to clear that up."
"Is it really you
God?"
"Yes Timmy, now pay
attention. The reason I made humans is
because when I created the world, I made it about ten degrees too cold. I created humans and their hideously large
brains so they could create simple tools, which would lead to more complex
things, which would eventually lead to factories and cars that would affect the
atmosphere in such a way that the earth would warm up to a specific temperature,
give or take a couple of degrees."
"But why does the
earth have to warm up?"
"Well, you see Timmy,
God loves the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach (Gromphadorhina Portentosa) so
much. Much more than all the other
creatures on the earth. That's why I
made the world, for this beautiful creature."
"But I thought
humans--"
"Yes Timmy, I know
what you are going to say, but that's a common misconception humans have, and
I'd like you to clear that up right now. No, the only reason I made you humans is for
the benefit of the Hissing Cockroach.
No, you guys are slated for extinction when you have served your
purpose. The beauty of this system is
that as you make the world more hospitable for the wonderful Gromphadorhina Portentosa, you'll be making
it less hospitable for your own freakish species, so you will be out of the
way."
"But that's
horrible!"
"Hmm? Oh, yes, I
suppose for humans, but you guys are just here to pollute and spread trash all
over the place. Cockroaches love trash
and high temperatures. By the way, stop
recycling."
"But--"
"Okay Timmy, I'm
out. Make sure you spread the
word. I guess this makes you a prophet
or whatever. And another thing:
electric cars are the devil's work. See ya!"
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