Wednesday, July 18, 2012


(Excerpt from my widely unread book of essays, Booze and News!)

One day, a little boy was saying his prayers, and he asked, "God, why did you make humans the way you did?"

And low and behold, God appeared to the boy as a glowing light outside the boy's window.

"That's a great question Timmy, and I've been waiting for someone to ask.  There seems to be some confusion down here, and I'd like to clear that up."

"Is it really you God?"

"Yes Timmy, now pay attention.  The reason I made humans is because when I created the world, I made it about ten degrees too cold.  I created humans and their hideously large brains so they could create simple tools, which would lead to more complex things, which would eventually lead to factories and cars that would affect the atmosphere in such a way that the earth would warm up to a specific temperature, give or take a couple of degrees."

"But why does the earth have to warm up?"

"Well, you see Timmy, God loves the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach (Gromphadorhina Portentosa) so much.  Much more than all the other creatures on the earth.  That's why I made the world, for this beautiful creature."

"But I thought humans--"

"Yes Timmy, I know what you are going to say, but that's a common misconception humans have, and I'd like you to clear that up right now.  No, the only reason I made you humans is for the benefit of the Hissing Cockroach.  No, you guys are slated for extinction when you have served your purpose.  The beauty of this system is that as you make the world more hospitable for the wonderful  Gromphadorhina Portentosa, you'll be making it less hospitable for your own freakish species, so you will be out of the way."

"But that's horrible!"

"Hmm? Oh, yes, I suppose for humans, but you guys are just here to pollute and spread trash all over the place.  Cockroaches love trash and high temperatures.  By the way, stop recycling."


"Okay Timmy, I'm out.  Make sure you spread the word.  I guess this makes you a prophet or whatever.  And another thing: electric cars are the devil's work.  See ya!"

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About Me

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I am the author of 5 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, The Cubicles of Madness, Robot Stories, and most recently, Various Meats and Cheeses. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at