Thursday, December 29, 2016

2016 In Review

This year that thing happened and we were all like, NO WAY! And some people were naked too much, and others were wearing suits and they spoke into microphones. Then some political stuff happened, and we were like, NO WAY! ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE! But then something new happened, probably on television or in the news.

Some good TV series ended or began, and some people were like, THIS IS SO AWESOME, and others were like, "Meh."

There were some award shows, where men wore tuxedos and women showed off their boobies, and everyone was like, "She looked this way or that!"

Then some science stuff happened, and robots. Just last year, we were all thinking, I can't believe 2015 is already over with, there was so much bullshit. What bullshit is going to happen next? And bullshit DID happen. This year we are all thinking, I can't believe 2016 is over with, there was so much bullshit, What bullshit is going to happen next?

Sports and award shows, and weather happened. There were some emergencies. Some people got all shot up and we were all sad for a few days, but then sports happened.

And economy. Gas prices were one price, and then another. There were jobs and stuff, or no jobs, and men in ties stood at microphones and said some stuff.

So anyway. Freedom 2017.

Thursday, December 22, 2016


Virtual Reality is all the rage, and will soon be everywhere. But I'd like to tell you about something even better.

Actual-Reality Orbs are biologic devices that use light waves to transmit signals DIRECTLY INTO THE BRAIN. Using light refraction technology, if you move your arm, you can actually SEE your arm move. (H.A.N.D.S.) can be used to pick up actual objects in the real world. Audio collectors are located on the sides of the cranium, to deliver High-Fidelity sound directly to the brain.

Physics and gravity aren't only simulated, but actuated by unseen forces that work automatically. Set an object down, it stays there! Momentum, velocity, mass and energy are all synthesized using seamless physics that seem to work all by themselves! It's REAL!

The detail is amazing. Just look around. There are buildings, landscapes, rooms, and weather patterns! Rotate your head left or right, and your perspective rotates as well. Now you can see MORE real objects in the real world. So many objects! Maybe too many. Move them away from yourself if you feel crowded. You might feel crowded. Arrange them any way you want! Use in-game credits to accumulate more objects, or get rid of objects. The choice is yours!

Move around this actual world using (F.E.E.T.) ambulatory technology.

Other players look so real! The people you see in the game are other people, who are also playing in a realistic ACTUAL world. Communicate and interact with other players to unlock various secrets and bonus activities. You could spend a literal lifetime with your new friends (and rivals!). EVERYONE is into actual reality, whether they like it or not!

Experience is earned by repetitive activity. There are different levels. The game starts with the player having almost no abilities, but as the game goes on, the player collects experiences and develops skills. These skills can be used to earn CREDITS, which can be used as actual money. Money can be traded with other players for actual goods and services. It's an imperfect conceptual fabrication, but it works well enough!

There are lots of activities in this ACTUAL WORLD available while using your A.R.O. technology. Literally BILLIONS of players are already playing, collecting credits based on performing lots of tasks, like cooking actual food for others, selling vehicles or household items, or arranging symbols by tapping little squares. There are various rules and limitations put in place to make things interesting.

The game seems to be based on various boxes. Get lucky, or play the game right, you get to spend your time in a FANCY box. Break the rules, and you get put into a PENALTY box, (unless you have lots of credits.) You will probably end up in a AVERAGE box. Make sure you have some kind of box, because weather.

At the end of the game, you are placed in a TINY box.

Surprise! You're already playing. Good luck, play nice. For a limited time only. Act now! Actual reality: try it today!

Monday, December 19, 2016

Thursday, November 17, 2016

I wrote you another book. You can order it at

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Cheese Bus

...What biblical scholars are wrestling with is how to inform the public and theological leaders that interpretations of ancient scripture must be re-examined after a mistake in translation, dating back to antiquity, has revealed that what has always been taken for the Lord's name, "Jesus," is really a mistaken translation for the two words, "Cheese Bus."

"It isn't figurative," Professor ______ of the _______ institute said on Friday. "An actual bus made of cheese, according to these new, more accurate translations, will ferry souls to the afterlife."

The type of cheese is unknown at this time. "We're working on newly discovered texts, but it may take several months to decipher."

In the meantime, the official announcement is proving difficult to make.

"People will not be happy about this," the professor said. "Believers around the world have been praying to a anthropomorphic deity, when really, it seems as if it is some sort of school bus made of cheese. There's no mention of a driver. I guess it drives itself."

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

"Black on Black" crime has nothing to do with "Cop-on-Black" crime.

Why comparing "black on black" crime with cops murdering unarmed Americans doesn't make sense:

There are white criminals.
There are black criminals.

For the foreseeable future, there will always be criminals, and there will always be crime. Criminals do violent things sometimes, because they are criminals. They are expected to do harmful, destructive, and sometimes deadly anti-social things. That's what criminals do.

Most criminals aren't organized into tidy hierarchical groups. They don't show up for work and have a staff meeting. They aren't accountable for their actions, and they don't get structured training.

You can't call a meeting for all criminals. "Hey criminals, we're going to have a meeting and discuss procedure. Maybe we could find ways for you to shoot people less often."

Police officers, on the other hand, are not supposed to do harmful, destructive, sometimes deadly things. But some police officers do. Police officers, however, are organized into hierarchical groups. They show up for work and write their names down on rosters. They receive structured training.

Police officers can be called into meetings. They can receive better training. They can be told, "Hey, we're going to have a meeting and discuss procedure. Maybe we could find ways for you to shoot people less often."

If a white civilian kills another white civilian, and a week later, a cop kills a white civilian, no one says, "Well, there is white-on-white crime, therefore, it is okay for cops to kill white people."

The logic just isn't there. It isn't even an argument. Those pointing out black-on-black crime as some sort of defense or rationalization of cop-on-black crime should ask themselves why they are defending not fixing something that could be fixed.

paid vacation for murdering Americans

They shouldn't play the "National Anthem" at sporting events until this bullshit stops.

They should play Public Enemy's "Fight the Power," and no one should stand up, because no one should be in the stands.

There should be a boycott in place. No buying superfluous bullshit until these shootings stop. Empty stands. Fancy new phones (built by slaves, by the way) should remain in their boxes. New cars and big fancy trucks should remain in their lots while nervous salesmen chew gum.

There should be a boycott until these uniformed butchers are thrown in jail instead of given paid vacations for murdering Americans. Sports bars should remain empty while the screens there display empty stadiums and teams playing third and fourth string players because all the good players on strike.

Mess with the bottom line of these large companies, and suddenly there would be justice, transparency, and reform, because phone calls like this would happen: "Hey Congressman so and so, remember all those bribes we gave you? Well do something about these cop bullshit. This boycott is making our shareholders slightly less rich. This is now an emergency situation. We bought you for a reason."

But that won't happen. Most people don't give a shit, but OH MY GOD BRAD AND ANGELINA BROKE UP . . .

Are you ready for some football? Of course.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

When someone overshares:

"This has been fascinating. You know, a journal is a great, great place for private thoughts."

Stolen from the "Lady Dynamite" series (Netflix)

Friday, June 17, 2016

the answer is bribes.

the answer is bribes. Bribery. It's about bribery and nothing else. also money. and bribes. It's that simple. lawmakers love money, and so do gun manufacturers. money is awesome, you guys!  so bribes. pretty simple. it's that simple. bribes. ask yourself why you never hear the word "bribe" in the news. bribes are legal now, so why not bribe? because bribes. a lot of that bribe money gets funneled to media outlets, so bribes. you never hear the word bribes because bribes. bribes bribes, bribes. Bribety bribe Bribey-McBribeface bribe bribe.


Sunday, June 05, 2016

My Unsolicited Political Opinion

Donald Trump is not the problem. True, he's terrible and unqualified, but he is not the real problem.  

The real problem: there are too many people in a "first world" industrialized nation willing to make Donald Trump the candidate for a major political party.  

It would be, in a sane world, a surprise to find five thinking adults in any county with the opinion that Mr. Trump should be POTUS, but it seems as though this is not a sane world.

This phenomenon is not unique. There are Trump-adjacent leaders "winning" in other countries: bigots, xenophobes, non-thinking showmen who feed on the worst aspects of nervous people.  

There are enough people in this nation to possibly make Donald Trump our next President.

That's the problem.  

Donald Trump is a symptom of something far more sinister.

                                 * * *   

That said, Secretary Clinton is not the answer.

As she will probably be the only other choice on the ballot, she'll have to do, but she is not helping.

Any thinking person, even someone bitter about not having any other choice, should vote for Secretary Clinton if for no other reason than to avoid allowing Mr. Trump into the White House.  

Hillary Clinton represents the status quo: a government that only caters to influential special interests. She seems to be bribed up to her eyeballs. She has been in the system far too long; she is very comfortable with how the gears are greased with favors and money. But she'll have to do. Anything to keep Donald Trump out of the White House, right?

People in the general population feel increasingly ignored in a country run on bribery and cronyism.  
That's the problem.

That's the problem.  

Secretary Clinton, while obviously qualified, is part of the problem that makes a candidate like Mr. Trump possible.  

She represents the system that spawned Donald Trump.

Monday, May 30, 2016


So we went to Lowe's to get some paint. They had red and blue balloons everywhere, and they were playing patriotic(?) music over the speakers.  

They played "Hail to The Chief," then "Marines' Hymn" then some other patriotic sounding march, then "The U.S. Air Force" (Off we go into the wild blue yonder). So they had these songs cued up in advance, specifically for Memorial Day, so people would buy more patio furniture maybe.  

And then, it took me awhile to place it: they played a slow instrumental version of Berlin's (the band, "Berlin") 1986 hit, "Take my Breath Away," which was featured in the movie "Top Gun." So I guess because Memorial Day? And Freedom?  

So in the spirit of patriotic-adjacent gestures to commemorate (?) Memorial Day, I bought a fish fillet sandwich at McDonald's in honor of Mr. Limpet, from the movie The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964). This is a tradition I plan on keeping. Every Memorial Day.   Because Mr. Limpet fought the sea-Nazis or something.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

the price is too high

They say that if you listen to the song "Stayin' Alive" ten times in a row, the ghost of Maurice Gibb will materialize in your kitchen and make you a sandwich. But the price is too high.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Opinions are over-rated.

Saying "It's just my opinion" is much more palatable than saying, "It's just my ignorance and bigotry." It's less awkward.

Also, people who don't understand how words work can often think "opinion" means "my despicable support for a harmful stereotype."

Some mistake the meannig of "opinion" as: "my inability to filter toxic establishment propaganda due to my lack of introspection and my compete lack of empathy." That's a mouthful.

"That's just my opinion," is much easier to say.

The "great" thing about having an opinion is that once formed {on whatever half-assed "information" it is precariously based} a person can blissfully stop thinking about an issue and close the mind, and ignore facts contradicting this wonderful "opinion."

Armed with this opinion, the person is impervious to argument, compassionate regard, or any reason. So yeah, having an "opinion" can be pretty fucked up, in my opinion.

Thursday, May 05, 2016


 Recently, online, I was taken to task for insulting Ham Sandwiches everywhere by saying I would vote for a Ham Sandwich before I would cast a vote for Donald Trump. This was not meant as a slight to Ham Sandwiches. It was only one example.

Not only would I vote for a Ham Sandwich before I'd vote for Mr. Trump, there is a long list of other things / people / events I would choose. This is not an attack against Donald Trump. This is to clarify my respect for Ham Sandwiches. I have no ill will toward Mr. Trump, and I'm sure he'd be very capable of doing other things; he simply does not belong in the White House.

There have been many men who lived in the White House who didn’t belong there.

Here are some other people, things, and events I would vote for before I would vote for Mr. Trump:

A hologram of Gary Coleman

A VHS Box Set of the 1981 season of "Bosom Buddies"

The ghost of Paul Lynde

Paul Reubens

That time they rescued those miners who were trapped in a mine.


A non-working iPod bought at a yard sale.

Hermione Jean Granger

The last few minutes of “Gladiator” when they carry Russell Crowe out of the arena. That always gets me.

The guy down the street shaking a sign in front of Little Caesars (fun fact: inexplicably, there's no apostrophe in "Little Caesars")

Velma Dinkley

Peter Dinklage

Pete Best

A Random Best Buy Employee

The moldering corpse of Julius Caesar.

William Shatner

That time in 1996 when that gymnast did that vault with a hurt ankle.

Zombie Dick Clark

A Star Wars waffle iron (yes, this merch exists)

Charles Manson (I feel an explanation is required for this one. First, he'd be surrounded by Secret Service 24/7 so you don't have to worry about that first thing you were worried about: second: hasn't he been in jail long enough? third: it would come as such a shock to him, he probably wouldn't get around to doing as much harm as Mr. Trump would be capable of doing.)

An old cup of coffee in a Styrofoam cup that has been in the garage for a couple of days, and you know when it has evaporated down a little, but there is a ring on the inside of the cup above the level of the remaining coffee? Yes. #OldCupOfCoffee2016!

My dog, Ginger!

So anyway, Freedom and democracy, or whatever.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

My Commute was So Awesome, You Guys.

Yesterday when I was politely sharing the road with my fellow motorists, a miracle happened.
It had been raining all. damn. day.

But then the sun came out! The radio station played the following songs: "My Sharona," "Down Under," "Dancing Queen,*" and "I'm Alright."

And I thought, while sitting at a light with my polite, reasonable, undistracted fellow motorists, "God damn, this is Freedom. America is so awesome right now."

*The song "Dancing Queen" is a compositional masterpiece. It starts with the chorus, a hook that in itself has two parts, then goes to the verses. Other songs do that, even "I'm Alright," by musician and Jesus impersonator Kenny Loggins, but “I’m Alright” is no “Dancing Queen.” so anyway, Freedom, or whatever.

Monday, February 22, 2016

This is my travel coffee mug. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

This is my travel coffee mug. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My travel coffee mug is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

Without me, my travel coffee mug is useless. Without my travel coffee mug, I am useless. I must fill my travel coffee mug true.

My travel coffee mug and I know that what counts at work is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My travel coffee mug is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my travel coffee mug full and ready, even as I am ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God, I swear this creed. My travel coffee mug and I are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace!

Thursday, February 18, 2016


God: Look, I'm going to have to put my foot down on this. Cruz cannot be President. I usually stay out of these things but—

Satan: I agree. I'm absolutely with you on this one.

God: You agree?

Satan: We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but I'm with you all the way on this. That guy gives me the creeps.

God: I thought maybe he was your Anti—

Satan: Him? No, my guy will be WAY more likable than him. I mean, everybody hates Cruz.

God: Except me, of course.

Satan: Well, of course.  Does your latte taste weird? I don't think that new guy knows what he's doing.

God: He's going through some stuff right now, cut him a break. Okay, I'm just going to use the facilities and then I'm out of here. You still sure about this ISIS thing?

Satan: I'm sticking with it for now. I know it's a little out there, but I'm liking the returns.

God: (rolls eyes) Not trying to tell you your business, but it's a little much.

Satan: You do your thing, I'll do mine.

God: Okay. I'm going to use the bathroom. You need a ride back, or—

Satan: I'll walk. See you next week.

About Me

My photo
I am the author of 8 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, Brain Giblets, The Cubicles of Madness, Booze and News, Get Your Zen On, Zen Happens, and most recently, Robot Stories. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at

this is my website:

Get my books!