I STILL WON'T WATCH SOCCER

I have tried. I understand that the rest of the world loves soccer. I’ve made an honest effort to watch soccer. I even watched the world cup. David Beckham has joined some team in LA, and everyone is speculating that it will make Americans watch soccer. I don’t think so. I once watched the movie “Bend it Like Beckham,” because I thought my daughters might like it, but it was boring, and when I rented it, I had no idea who David Beckham was. At least Keira Knightley was in the movie, she’s smoking hot.

Even if Keira Knightley, and a bunch of other equally hot girls formed a soccer league and played in bikinis, I’d probably only watch a couple of times. . . no wait, I might tune in to that program more than once, but that’s about the only way I’d watch soccer. And then only if at the end, they mud-wrestled.

Because soccer is boring. I know that we Americans should join in the international sport, so that a global sense of fellowship and some kind of common spirit would traverse the globe, eventually resulting in international peace and goodwill.

But really, the only time soccer is interesting is when there is a big drunken riot, and then only when the good parts of the riots are condensed into a four minute montage on one of those “Shocking Video” shows you see on the spike channel.

And oh yeah, when that one dude head-butted that other dude. That was cool.

So, I know the LA Whatchamacallits are banking on Beckham drawing a crowd to American soccer. I understand that he’s the Michael Jordan of soccer and all that, but the coolest thing about him, to me at least, is that he’s tagging Posh Spice. That means he’s cool. That fact that he’s good at soccer? Meh, whatever.

So good luck American Soccer people. When Beckham shows up on “The Surreal Life” with a pot-belly and a drinking problem with Lance Armstrong and Maria Sharapova, then we’ll know he’s really made it.