Thursday, June 13, 2013

#68 Oh Beloved Coffee Maker!

Oh Beloved Coffee Maker!
You stand the watches of the night,
While stars do spectacle vast inky heavens,
And rosy-fingered dawn doth make the sky blood red,
Thou stands the watches of the night and early morn.

Oh Beloved Coffee Maker!
Loyal subject, who waits on me
With patient servitude,
Who brings me back to life,
Hence from slumbers, where I take respite.

Oh Beloved Coffee Maker!
What foul and loathsome beast
I would become, if thou did not
Redeem me to a better state,
And all the shrieking fiends of Hell
Wouldst cower before me,
If your fidelity, broken, left me bereft.

Peace! Oh growling spirit
That within my hollow form dost stir,
This is the Coffee, the Heaven's Brew
That comes from warmer climes,
That brings peace to a warlike soul,
And fosters there sweet humanity.

Bring forth thy soothing balm:
It soothes me,
It awakens me,
It opens my eyes,
And upon this haggard visage
Brings a semblance of peace.

Oh Beloved Coffee Maker,
Thou hast redeemed me.
I raise another cup.
I raise another cup.
Oh Beloved Coffee Maker.

Thursday, June 06, 2013


When walking your dog, put two Snickers bars (wrapped) in a white plastic grocery bag. It looks like you picked up dog poop, but really, they're just two snickers bars. Then if your dog poops, PRETEND to pick up the poop. It will look like you are a responsible dog owner, when really, you are inconsiderate and lazy. After the walk, enjoy a Snickers bar!

"Paunchy Mimes"

Here are some titles for bands, movies, plays, or books that will never be used, featuring "Paunchy Mimes."

  1. Paunchy Mimes
  2. Valley of The Paunchy Mimes
  3. Attack of The Paunchy Mimes
  4. Waiting Room Filled With Paunchy Mimes
  5. Hairless Paunchy Mimes
  6. Shirtless Paunchy Mimes
  7. Pantless Paunchy Mimes
  8. Rest Stop of Paunchy Mimes
  9. I Was Saliva-Swabbed at The Police Checkpoint of Paunchy Mimes
  10. Home Alone With Drunken Paunchy Mimes
  11. Paunchy Mimes Al Qaeda Shark Attack
  12. Paunchy Mimes Vaccine

About Me

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I am the author of 5 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, The Cubicles of Madness, Robot Stories, and most recently, Various Meats and Cheeses. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at