You're perfect.

# AN INSIDIOUS TYPE OF BLOG POST

I want to warn you all about an insidious type of blog post. These posts are ironically self-referential, disguised as warnings about ironically self-referential blog posts. They are pointless and lead nowhere, but the goal of these posts is to entice the reader (you) into reading further, although the sentences, using apparently interesting multisyllabic, technical sounding words, lead nowhere. These posts often repeat themselves. They frequently say the same thing over and over again, but using different phrasing. Posts of this kind often describe themselves using the very characteristics of the blog posts they claim to be warning others to avoid. In fact, the posts are those very posts to be avoided, but by the time this is revealed, the reader has invested enough time on the blog post to continue reading, hoping for some payoff. Perhaps there is some insight hidden within the somewhat scientific-sounding jargon. It seems quite possible, that later in the blog post, the reader will find some comment on social-awareness, or some information regarding the psychology of ironically self-referencing posts. This is an illusion; the reader will gain no benefit from continuing to read this type of post, but even after several warnings, they continue to read. It is as if the blog post is physically pulling the eye across the meaningless symbols, forcing the mind to strive to combine the words into some coherent message, where none exists. It is a type of symbiotic madness, shared between the writer of the blog post, and the reader. For as the post is both written and read, the reader and writer are locked, however briefly in the same blog post. It is a type of suspended animation, because really, neither of us are doing anything useful, are we? The blog post will sometimes try to insinuate some connection between the reader and the post itself. They have been together a long time. It would be heartbreaking if there were no payoff, no point to any of this. Why did we read this?

So anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that these types of posts are out there, and to be aware of them. If you run across one, don't read it! But perhaps it is too late.

#44 PSA POEM: ANOTHER REASON TO BE NICE.

All the little kids,
Out on the playground
Are learning to play together!

Running and jumping,
Laughing and learning!
They're all getting along!

(Except for Pete K,
From Mrs. R's class,
That kid is an asshole!
He pushes and shoves!)

But everyone else,
Is getting along!
Standing in line
They file into the school!

(Except for Pete K,
He's a little bully.
Whispering horrible things
Into Jacob's L's ear!)

The kids are in class,
Learning their lessons,
Learning to read
And to write and to add!

(Except for Pete K,
This kid is obnoxious,
He's making fart noises
And kicking Anne's chair)

The kids get together,
They're making a plan,
They whisper together
And look at Pete K!

The following morning,
Pete K's not at school,
And everyone's happy
And everything's cool!

All names in this story
Are fictional names,
If they sound like someone
Well that's just a shame.

So don't be the asshole,
At work or at school,
Your colleagues might
Be forced to do things un-cool,

Like poison your coffee,
Or follow you home,
So try to be nice,
And leave each other alone!

DOG WALKING TIPS:

When walking your dog, put two Snickers bars (wrapped) in a white plastic grocery bag. It looks like you picked up dog poop, but really, they're just two snickers bars. Then if your dog poops, PRETEND to pick up the poop. It will look like you are a responsible dog owner, when really, you are inconsiderate and lazy. After the walk, enjoy a Snickers bar!

Venn Diagrams

Babies + Drill = WRONG!

At recent Republican rallies, they have been chanting "Drill baby drill!". Sarah Palin even mentioned it during the debate. Babies and drills do not mix. Babies should not be allowed to operate any power tools, and drills are probably one of the most dangerous power tools a baby could operate. Why do the Republicans hate babies? It is obvious what would happen if a baby got hold of a power drill. Besides the risk of serious damage to property, the baby could get hurt! The sound alone would probably scare the baby and make it cry.

Or do the Republicans actually want to drill babies? This is even worse. And they claim to respect life. Bullshit. What kind of sick agenda do the Republicans have if all they want to do is drill holes in defenseless babies? That is just un-American.

We have to stop these sick bastards. Vote Obama on November 4th, and lets stop these sick Republican bastards from hurting the babies.

PSA: don't shoot yourself!

Okay, this is setting a bad precedent. There was a story in the news about a 90 year old lady who was getting evicted. Sad enough. She goes and shoots herself. Even worse.

But here's the worse part of all: Fannie Mae erased her mortgage. What does that tell all the desperate, possibly unstable, end-of-the-rope people getting foreclosed on and evicted? "Shoot yourself, you'll get out of your mortgage."

I predict more of these "You'll never take me alive" stories. You can't get give people ideas like this.

Oh yeah, didn't MY friggin' tax money go to bail out Fannie Mae? I don't recall them asking me if this lady could get off the hook. I mean, no wonder they're going under, being all soft-hearted just because some old bag shoots herself. <--(I'm only kidding! Jeez)

oh, this makes me so friggin' proud . . .

PSA: too much television

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo, I've got another puzzle for you, oompa Loompa doompadah dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me. What do you get from a glut of TV? A pain in the neck and an IQ of three. Why don't you try simply reading a book? Or could you just not bear to look? You'll get no, you'll get no, you'll get no, you'll get no, you'll get no commercials. Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah, if you're not greedy you will go far. You will live in happiness too. Like the Oompa Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

snoring remedy

from slate.com:

"Tennis ball, $2.50 for can of three
The MacGyver remedy. Or, as I like to call it, fetching with Pavlov's dog. Put a tennis ball in a sock, and then safety pin the sock to the middle of the back of a T-shirt. When you sleep in this T-shirt, it's painful to sleep on your back, so you turn on your side, where you're less likely to snore. If you sleep with the sock enough, your sleep self will supposedly associate sleeping on your back with pain, and you won't need the T-shirt anymore.

I'm not used to sleeping with a shirt on, so this—not to mention the heavy sock tugging at the back—took some getting used to. Also, it is surprisingly painful to have a Wilson jut into your back. But the remedy worked immediately. The morning after the first night, Elizabeth reported no snoring. I felt great, too. The second night, my deceitful sleep self did manage to outmaneuver the sock, swinging the tennis ball between my arm and side, allowing me to sleep on my back and snore. But the next day I adjusted the sock so that it was tighter against the shirt and could not be stretched out. For the rest of the trial, there was no snoring.

By the fifth night, I was attached to the ensemble. There was something ritualistic about putting the shirt on every night, and the thought of moving on to test another remedy made me sad. Elizabeth loved it, too. Improbably, she even found the get-up cute, which solidified this remedy's place as the clear winner."

did you know the "do not call" thingy expires?

That's right.

If you registered for the national "do not call" list, it expires in 5 years.

But don't worry, you can go to https://www.donotcall.gov and register again.

The website, being a government website, doesn't have the word RENEW anywhere, because that would be way too easy.

There is a VERIFY button, and a REGISTER button, but of course, no RENEW button anywhere.

I used the VERIFY button to see that my number would drop off the list in June of '08.

I just REGISTERED, and now it doesn't drop off until 2012.

That is my public service announcement for this week. May each and every one of you have a somewhat satisfying day.