Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 in Review

This year that thing happened and we were all like, NO WAY! And some people were naked too much, and others were wearing suits and they spoke into microphones. Then some political stuff happened, and we were like, NO WAY! ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE! But then something new happened, probably on television or in the news.

Some good TV series ended or began, and some people were like, THIS IS SO AWESOME, and others were like, "Meh."

There were some award shows, where men wore tuxedoes and women showed off their boobies, and everyone was like, "She looked this way or that!"

Then some science stuff happened, and robots. Just last year, we were all thinking, I can't believe 2012 is already over with, there was so much bullshit. What bullshit is going to happen next? And bullshit DID happen. This year we are all thinking, I can't believe 2013 is over with, there was so much bullshit, What bullshit is going to happen next?

Sports and award shows, and weather happened. There were some emergencies. Some people got all shot up and we were all sad for a few days, but then sports happened.

And economy. Gas prices were one price, and then another. There were jobs and stuff, or no jobs, and men in ties stood at microphones and said some stuff.

So anyway. Freedom 2014.

Monday, December 16, 2013


That dog made a poopy!
A poopy in the USA!
And the man who walks beside it,
Picked it up and put it in a bag!

That dog made a poopy,
Just as I was driving by,
And its human looked so silly,
With a bag of poop in hand!

That white bag is swinging,
And it is filled with poop!
That dog made a poopy,
A poopy in the USA!

Is it two snickers bars in a bag?
It's a pile of poop in a bag!
That dog made a poopy!
A poopy in the USA!

So many dogs in the USA,
Pooping and pooping their lives away,
And it's all scooped up and thrown away,
In white bags with square knots,

Saturday, December 14, 2013


Recently in the news, you may have read that a rich kid ran over four people and for his drunken crime, gets to spend time in a half-million dollar a year resort for rich people. You may be annoyed by this. But you must understand that the rich cannot possibly be expected to be thrown in jail, because they are rich. These are the aristocracy, and they are better than you and me, in every way, and the law is on their side.

It is a law that they have created in their own image, with their money, which God has bestowed on them because They are his favorite children.

They work very hard in their fancy schools to which their parents, whom God loves very much, sent them in order for them to take their rightful places in society.

It is a society in which you must struggle. You will continue to exist in this system, which works just fine, and although you may work much harder for much less, it is because you did not have the forethought to slide out of a rich lady's vagina in an expensive hospital when you were born. They had that foresight, and they are rewarded for it with all the riches in the world.

They are organized. They can pay people to devote entire careers to promote their interests in the halls of power, by giving money to their friends in the halls of power. This might seem like "bribery," but that is a vulgar term. They prefer to call it freedom of speech, so it becomes freedom of speech, and who in their right mind has a problem with freedom of speech? They can shape the laws to make sure they remain happy and rich! Would you deny them this right? You could organize too, if you had time, and since time is money, you don't have time. If only you had more money, you could take time off to organize. But who has time for that? Those bills aren't going to pay themselves.

Is it fair? Of course. The rich are organized and powerful. You could organize too, but if you do, it is probably against the law somehow, and if it isn't, it will be, because laws can be changed. If you organize enough, armored thugs with utility belts filled with torture devices will spray poison in your poor, proletariate faces and electrocute you with stun guns because you will learn your place. You live in the time of the Oligarchs, but you don't know it yet because of patriotic songs about "freedom" and "bravery," and you believe it: oh yes, you had better believe in it, because if you start to think about it too much, you might realize where you are. You will believe it until you get a whiff of pepper spay, and then you back off, for freedom.

Once you learn to know your place, it will be easier to take. But like it or not, you will take it. So know your place already.

The Rich can run over the poor because they must deal with the overwhelming burden of money and power, to which they are entitled. Being obscenely wealthy has its side effected, so how can they possibly be held responsible for their actions?  Why would they take responsibility? Who would hold them responsible? Other rich people? The law? The law belongs to them. They are above the law because they own the law. They write the law.

Now get back to work Proles. Know your place and be thankful the incredibly wealthy are out there, running people over, writing laws, fixing elections, gerrymandering, closing factories and speaking to you on giant screens.

Because Freedom.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013


Spoonbending is coming back! You've read about it all over the Internet, you've seen it on the news. Perhaps you've seen the flyers in the coffee shops! Everyone is spoonbending, and of course, you want to get in on this hot new trend!

Spoonbending is simple. Get an ordinary spoon. Hold the spoon by the "neck," that supple, narrow part of the spoon under the spoon part where the soup goes. Don't put soup in it. This is a clean spoon. Don't put it in your mouth. No. We are repourposing the spoon to amaze and astound our friends and family.

Hold the spoon between your thumb and forefinger, so the handle hangs down (by gravity!) and the scoopy part is up above where you're holding it, which is the neck (See the above paragraph, above).

Now you've got it by the neck. That spoon knows who is in charge. Yet the neck of the spoon remains stubbornly solid. It is its solidity we must tackle, and we'll do it by this one simple trick:

Simply empty your mind of all conscious thought and completely vaporize your ego, so that you are empty phenomenon, holding what? Nothing! The spoon is gone, and so are you! Now the spoon bends . . . in your mind. The spoon is still exactly as it was before, but will anyone see it? No! You no longer want to impress anyone by spoonbending, because you are now selfless phenomena, one with the universe, and the spoon! Get it?

But that is a cop out. Let's get real. Let's really bend that spoon: How to really bend spoons: First, you need a guru. Perhaps you know some bearded gentleman in your neighborhood. If you are picturing an old, wise Asian gentleman, or some sort of turbaned Hindu mystic, you should check yourself. That's total stereotyping, and you should stop it. God, you are such a racist sometimes, I swear. You need a guru of some sort to teach you mental disciplines and physical calisthenics, yoga or perhaps deep breathing exercises.

Then, after months or years of training, you are ready to bend the spoon. Now: hold the spoon as described above in the above paragraphs (above). Focus all of your mental energy on the neck of the spoon, and as you do so, move the two fingers, between which you have grasped the neck of the spoon, and make tiny circles, focusing all of your mental and physical energies on that point, heating it with friction and the psionic powers you developed over your months of training with your guru, who may or may not have charged you money in the form or "donations," or "dinner," or outright fees. He has to eat, you know. "All of the guru powers in the world don't change the fact that people have rent. I mean Jesus Christ, I can't live on good vibes you know. Why are you always such a tight ass? We talked about that. Your materialism is what's holding you back. And the issues you have at work." So anyway. Make small circles. You will feel your life-force focused exclusively on that point of the neck of the spoon. You might feel doubts. A thought might flutter through you mind, even for a moment, "I should have gone to college like my parents wanted me to," or, "What am I compensating for, trying to bend this spoon? Isn't there some better way to spend my time?" or "I think this 'guru' is taking advantage of me. I've never seen him bend a spoon." Ignore these distractions. Focus. Focus on that god-damned spoon. That spoon that insists on being so solid. Convince it that it is not solid. "You are a spoon, bend already. Jesus Christ, the embarrassment alone should bend you in half. Everybody's thinking this isn't going to happen. Why didn't I practice this alone? They already think I'm a freak, and now this." Make excuses, and after the awkwardness, don't leave right away, or everyone will think it is because you are embarrassed. Have a drink, laugh it off, make some small talk, and then get the hell out of there and try to regroup.

Okay: how to bend a spoon with your mind: This is serious this time, so pay close attention to every word I'm about to lay down, because this is some mind-expanding stuff right here.

Hold the spoon as described in the above paragraphs. BY THE NECK. Got it? Okay. Now: picture someone who is dead. Patrick Swayze is a good choice, because he helps people with various arts and crafts, but he isn't the only choice. What you need is someone from "the other side" to bring a blowtorch from "the other side." I know it sounds fantastic, but if you don't believe in spiritual stuff like ghosts and afterlives, why don't you open up your mind and stop being such a damned nihilist? I mean, if there's no afterlife, what's the point of all this? You always do this! You're always so negative about stuff, no wonder you can't bend the spoon. Can't there be any mysteries in life? Does everything have to be a lab experiment with you? So cold. So god damned cold and clinical. Wait, where was I? Oh yes. Other suggestions would be people who were famous for welding . . . did I just open my web browser and Google "famous welders?" Possibly. Did I find any? Not really. As far as I can tell, there are no seriously "famous" welders you could summon from the Indescribable Paradox of The Afterscape to bring a welding torch to heat the spoon enough to allow you to bend it. Summoning a demon is always a bad idea, although they bring their own heat and could melt the spoon in a snap, but they always want something in return, and I'm not about to go into it, but it is bad news. Believe me. So demon summoning is out. So you are stuck with a spirit of the dead, and I'm thinking the only dead person that could help would be Patrick Swayze, who, as far as I can tell (from his Wikipedia page) has no welding experience, but he does things in clay, and even though that doesn't apply here, for all we know, he could have taken welding in shop class in high school. Anywhoo, summon the spirits of the dead to bend the spoon, somehow.

I think that covers the basics. After reading this essay, you should be able to perform the following tasks:

1. bend spoons with your mind.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013


I would like to write some vehement propaganda. I would like it to be widely read and influential. Not only on the Internet, but also in newspapers, books, universities, churches, and discussed at length on television. My vehement propaganda will be controversial, at first. But with the right combination of well reasoned arguments, jingoistic nationalism, junk science, pop psychology, magical thinking, and neuro-linguistic programming, I want it to influence a vast majority of both the reading and non-reading public. Influential think tanks and shadowy groups of paranoid conspiracy theorists will huddle together to discuss the precepts of my vehement propaganda. Various television personalities and influential thinkers will argue, scream, and come to blows while debating the various sublime aspects of my vehement propaganda.

My vehement propaganda will create unexpected alliances between formerly diametrically opposed groups, who will consolidate and simultaneously obliterate political and economic power based on the theories and clear incremental planning that will be found within the dense, massive volumes of my vehement propaganda. Vast worldwide upheavals in the socio-economic framework in which we currently live will leave society unrecognizable. Some who are great will fall, and others who are obscure will triumph in the unpredictable aftermath of my vehement propaganda. Who can question it? My vehement propaganda will defy logic. It will redefine logic in its own image. Conventional ideas about gender, class, race, creed, wealth and poverty, day and night, up and down will be rendered obsolete by the sheer weight of the towering arguments found in the hallowed pages of my vehement propaganda.

Will there be marching? Possibly. Armbands? Perhaps. But only if, decades after I am dead, or at least rumored dead, with those enduring rumors that I am really alive even after the span of my mortal years are long past, only when my vehement propaganda can be twisted by wicked men who rise to power after I am no longer around, only then will come the marching and the armbands and the military parades. But until that unfortunate (and unavoidable) time, my vehement propaganda is for the people. You know who you are. For you! The backbone of what makes society work! Those of you capable of understanding. Those of you who are awake! You are the ones who get it; my vehement propaganda is for you. Without you, it is nothing. Alone, we are helpless. But together, you, me, the magna populorum, and my vehement propaganda, we will unmake and make the world. I would like to write some vehement propaganda. I would like it to be widely read and influential.

About Me

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I am the author of 5 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, The Cubicles of Madness, Robot Stories, and most recently, Various Meats and Cheeses. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at danmanning.com