Tuesday, March 28, 2006

owchi-wa-wa!

Uhhhh

Let's see: This weekend, didn't do much of anything. I don't think I even got out of my pajamas for most of the time. It's just warm enough to consider going outside, but cold enough to make you say, "oh screw it."

Yesterday I sent postcards, got some data off a hard-drive for somebody, and went to a nowaterball meeting.

Today I got nothing planned, but it's just now 8 AM, and I'm thinking my phone HAS to ring. I mean, come on, did everybody simultaniously figure out their computers in some mass evelutionary jump?

Have you all been seeing the news about the global warming? They're thinking it's some kind of feedback thing. For every square mile the polar ice-caps melt, you've got twice as much water absorbing heat (bad) and half as much ice reflecting heat back into space (good) which means, we're fucked. But the good thing is, we get to see the end of the world as we know it. That will cure that boredom, I guesse. Welcome to the future!

guy lives in wal-mart for spring break

this guy lived in a wal-mart for 41 straight hours.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

What up home dogs, and welcome to another exciting edition of my freshhhhhh web log. Yesterday somebody told me that you can actually lose your shoes if you go to a Beastie Boys concert, and his friend actually duct-taped his shoes to his feet.

I saw three deer cross the road on 68th street.

um, that's about it. It's Saturday, and I got nothing but writing and cleaning to do this weekend, and I plan to enjoy it. Peace.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Express your answer in furlongs per fortnight

I made big bucks today. Worked, swapping machines and networking data and doin' the do. I found much spyware on one machine, and manifested print-powers on another.

There are a slew of different State Quarters. Why do I have two "NEVADA" ones? I'm trying to fill up my little State Quarters book dammit! I blame the Government.

Okay, I got no time for this crap. I got a bestseller two write. As a good friend of mine said recently, "Express your answer in furlongs per fortnight."

Monday, March 20, 2006

hi everybody, it's me, dan manning. Did you all miss me? Hey, i found a new website, www.missingmoney.com, and found some money one of my relatives was missing. We found it at the state of michigan website. Check it out for yourself. You might be able to get some money back.

In other news: Welcome to Spring, and Welcome to the Year 4 of the Per$ian Excur$ion, compliments of W and the Krew. Word.

I had a rough 3 days last week, NO CALLS. But then Friday, at Exactly AT FIVE, when I was getting my beer-ration, my phone started ringing. Today I got another two calls, and all is well. I go through the caniptions when my phone doesn't ring. Jesus. I even thought about getting (God forbid) a job!!

But today I worked. All is well.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

D&W grocery store is closing

Today on a very special danmanning.com; Dan discovers that the corner D&W grocery store is closing. After his initial shock and horror, he stocks up on stuff marked 30% off. Now will he be forced to shop at Meijer, the very place that kicked him to the curb only three seasons ago?

Stay tuned for these exciting developments.

The BEAST: America's Best Fiend

The BEAST: America's Best Fiend: "The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005"

The link above leads to some of the best writing I've seen in a long time. Hilarious, fast paced, and dead-on. Click it. I command you . . . click it . . .

more bla bla

hey now. yesterday I discovered GarageBand and lost my friggin' mind messing with the music mixer. DJ Dan and His Funky Grooves. Whatever. I made some creepy music that might make a good soundtrack for a serial killer movie. May get head examined.

Today's lunch menu, pancakes, sausage, and hash browns.

We're out of coffee, so I may actually have to leave the house today. Shower? Hm. . . that's a lot of work. Stay tuned.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Never Type Drunk

okay. it happened today: brian beat me in chess. He beat me fair and square, and I . . . I . . . congratulate him for that. But I swear to you, on my last breath . . . it will never happen again (here he squinted his eyes over the keyboard) . . .

In other, less disturbing news . . . had a great time with Brian, Joe, and Don at the Hideout drinking beers and (ahem) playing chess and generally bullshitting about this and that. Picked up 1 machine for a most timely reformat. Oh the reformat, a new beginning, a wiping clean of the slate . . .

Meanwhile, in a humble abode in Plainfield . . . Savannah takes the Ipod as her own . . . listening to it whilst doing her homework. I rent some movies . . . and pick up a great champagne. Life is good. Let all peoples rejoice in the fact that March Madness is upon us, Spring beckons, and the Roller Derby is coming to the DeltaPlex. Let the four winds blow, let the seven seas sigh, and let brewers everywhere harness the power of barley and hops.

Rejoice! Spring is on the way.

Let this blog entry be a warning for those who come after me: Never Type Drunk.

PEACE!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

thunderstorm

there's a thunderstorm outside. Right now. Spring is on the way baby.

these things happened today.

1. Heard muzak version of "Don't Fear the Reaper" while taking a piss in a public restroom.
2. Saw fat guy trying to play one of those foot-pad video games @ Circuit City, running in place like an idiot, jiggling in all the wrong places.
3. Almost side-swiped by a Molson truck.
4. Missed Ipod delivery by Fedex by 3 minutes. They'll try again tomorrow.
5. "Geek-Squad" sighting @ downtown parking garage. I did not key their car.

HOW-TO: Use your Gmail account as a personal file server - Engadget

Tested.

This works. My Gmail account is another drive under (my computer). I can drag and drop files to my gmail account. More storage. Can get to files from anywhere. Sweet.

The following was inferred from viewing the Fedex tracking page:

The little feller took off on the mean streets of ShenZhen China, where it took a Rickshaw to the Fedex place, crawled into a little box, and waited.

Then it heard a noise outside, strange voices. He heard boxes being moved around outside, but not his. He waited, and he dreamed of living in America.

Then it happened. His box moved, and he felt himself being lifted into the air. With a crash he fell still again, a little shaken up.

It took them over an hour to load the plane, and then, the engines roared to life. He felt the vibration under where his toes would be, had he toes.

Comfortable in his plastic sleeve and pressed in on both sides by Styrofoam, he fell asleep.

Then he was in Anchorage Alaska, where thieves, one of them helped by an airport employee, took my little Ipod ice-fishing. They caught a halibut, spent the night in an abandoned igloo, and drank Captain Morgan's all night.

He woke up in a pile of seal furs on a bed with a teenage hooker named Kirima. Her skin was white, and she was built like a woman. Big hips. He lay there for awhile and listened to her breath. Her apartment was tiny. A poster of 50 Cent hung on the wall. He crept outside while she slept off her hangover. He was impervious to alcohol; he had no mouth.

And then, "Back-In-The-Box" for my little Ipod. The plane took off, and for hours he stayed awake, feeling the plane dip and bank, and finally the wheels touched down, in Indianapolis IN. He was in America at last. He was free.

It was around midnight. His plane wasn't due to leave until 4:30 in the morning. The ol' red-eye. He got off the plane and looked around the Fedex facility. Nothing but fork-lifts and boxes. The fork-lifts were driven by night-shift workers, who in turn were driven by coffee. He shook his head and made his way to the front gate. The security guard, just a kid really with a tattoo on his arm and a nose-ring, nodded without saying anything.

"Shouldn't you be in school kid," Ipod wanted to say, but he didn't. Hell, if a kid that young had to take a crummy job like this, guarding some shipping facility in Indianapolis, he probably dropped out of school.

The streets were abandoned. He walked for an hour before he found a place open. It was a little all night diner, "Happy Chef," where, at this hour, there were nothing but cops and drunks out on the streets, and a few truckers.

And Ipod.

He sat down. The waitress, a girl in her late twenties, he imagines, gloomily came to his end of the bar. He ordered coffee.

"Here from the Shipping place?" She asked, not really caring.

"Four hour layover," Ipod said. "I'm headed for Grand Rapids."

The girl shrugged her shoulders. She didn't care. "What'll you have?"

"That depends on when you get off work sweetheart," Ipod said. He was thinking of the girl in Anchorage. That seemed like such a long time ago. He might not get a chance again. Once he got to his destination, it would be nothing but MP3s and image files. USB connections weren't as sexy as the connection he was trying to make with the waitress.

"I already got an Ipod," she said, "And I don't get off 'til six. You probably take off long before that. "but she smiled for the first time, and he realized there was a pretty girl behind the tough, bored waitress facade.

"Maybe I won't take off at all. I could stay here. With you."

"Yeah right, I've heard that before. A Samsung plasma was in here just last night, probably said the same thing. They all make these promises."

She looked hurt. What electronics device had she fallen in love with? Who had broken her heart?

I'm tired and this is stupid, he thought to himself. He paid and left.

But before he left, he turned and looked around. She was watching him leave. If he had had arms, he would have given her a little wave.

He went back to the Shipping Facility. The guard was reading something, a thick book for a stupid kid, Ipod thought. Maybe he'd read the guy wrong.

The conveyor belt was humming out the side of his plane, so he hopped on and waited to be sorted. He'd just got there, and he was quickly placed in the right bin and released for shipment at 2:36 AM.

He boarded the plane with a heavy heart. He thought about the girl from Indianapolis. What brand of electronics had hurt her? He would never find out. But he would never forget.

He was seated next to a noisy box of kids books from Amazon.com, headed to Grand Rapids also, the box said. Ipod turned the other way and tried to get back to sleep. Next stop, Grand Rapids Michigan. He wondered who he'd be working for.

He didn't wake up until the plane landed. A bleary-eyed Mexican scanned him at 5:30 AM. The trucks were lined up like soldiers, ready to deliver their toys, good news, bad news, and money to the citizens of a sleeping city.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

girl scout peanut butter cookies!

girl scout peanut butter cookies!
girl scout peanut butter cookies!
girl scout peanut butter cookies! la la la la la la la
girl scout peanut butter cookies!
They are the greatest / cookies in the world!
girl scout peanut butter cookies! la la la la la la la
Rejoice! Rejoice! They are here! They are here!
My life is now Complete!
girl scout Peanut Butterrrrrrrr COOKIES!

so i ordered an Ipod

so i ordered an Ipod. . . for research! my customers ask me questions, bla bla bla.

so they give me a fedex tracking number, and it starts out like this:

Mar 6, 2006 9:26 PM


Left origin


SHENZHEN CN

and I'm thinking, "cool, it's in Connecticut . This won't take long."

and then I see:


Arrived at FedEx location


ANCHORAGE, AK

Alaska? Connecticut to Alaska? Their taking the long route. And I said. "oh." CN=China. Duh.

yesterday i did the following:

woke up. went to bank. returned movies. cancelled YMCA membership (we never go, so why pay) went for walk with Deb to library. paid bills. played video games. finished reading book. walked with Alex to library. played an Ancient Egyptian board game. played video games. read. went to sleep. thank you for visiting this web page.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

moving crap from one place to another

Started out the day right, by writing. Then we went to the mall, where I tried to get my watch resized, but the girl at the watch repair place had no idea how to repair it, so I’m going to do it myself.

Right now, or at least just now, I was “straightening” the office, the type of mindless straightening which really only amounts to moving crap from one place to another. I need to throw half of my stuff out, but I never will. I’m trying to load World of Warcraft on my iMac, which will turn me into another video game zombie for the next six months, until I realize what a mistake I’ve made.

I hope it works because I was going to spend hundreds of dollars building another machine just for the stupid game, but I was looking up the system requirements, and it said “OSX” and I said, “well hell, why not give it a shot?” I already have the machine, might as well load something on it.

I’ve been working on this book about clones. It’s going okay. I’ve been reading Philip K. Dick, he’s a minimalist writer, I suppose that’s how you’d describe him. He writes good stories that get to the point, and he stays out of the way.
I ordered an Ipod Nano this morning. I figure I have to have one because my customers are always asking me to hook them up. Research you know. Deb’s asked me to go out and get a bottle of wine, and that sounds pretty good to me.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

I use that post title when I can't think of anything else: Saturday revisited. Slept in. Read. Wrote. Unstopped slow-draining tub. Drove to Best Buy. Decided not to buy anything. Drove back. Alex fell in ice when on walk with Deb. Deb called and I raced van to lake to retrieve Alex. She fell in to her knees. She was unhurt. Raced back so she could take hot shower.

Watched "The Aristocrats." Crying-Funny. Hilarious. Documentary about Very Dirty Joke. Do not view with children or people uncomfortable with disgusting jokes. Lots of famous funny people.

And now, I sleep.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Capote

Deb and I went to the movie "Capote". I highly recommend it. It was a great movie. The lead actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman needs an Oscar for pulling that role off.

Otherwise, I fixed a bio-feedback machine, and went to a hair-extension place to fix another machine.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

nothing to report. only had 1 call; i had to explain how to use to use the Internet without AOL for a lady who got a new computer and switched to a dial-up providor. A web browser and an internet connection. What more could one possibly ask for.

I played XBox and worked on my new website. I'm writing a database site so people can display their products, or whatever. I've sold two websites, but they've been straight HTML. This database website will be my finest achievement having to do with websites. (Except for www.danmanning.com, which is the greatest website on the internet with my name in it.

I have untethered my laptop, and i'm actually out of my office, which, although it is in my house, has become my workplace, and I'm sick of being in my office all the time.

Yesterday I bought stamps for my postcards. As many of my loyal readers know, I send out postcards to advertise my technological genius to the masses. So I'm at the post office, and they STILL don't have 24 cent stamps. They raised the rate in January. The lady at the post office suggested that they probably already have the stamps, but they're trying to get rid of 1 cent stamps, so they're not releasing them yet. Meanwhile, I have to put two f*cking stamps on every postcard in order to get them sent. The government sucks ass.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

i am not samson. "samson" is not spelled "sampson".

Okay, it is decided. I'm going to see how long I can go without getting a haircut. So let it be written, so let it be done. Peace!

About Me

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I am the author of 8 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, Brain Giblets, The Cubicles of Madness, Booze and News, Get Your Zen On, Zen Happens, and most recently, Robot Stories. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at danmanning.com

this is my website:
danmanning.com

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