Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Salmon of Doubt
Today I invoked DSL connectivity to a garage downtown. Tomorrow I will put on the anti-virus software. I predict that in about a week I will end up going back to clean up all the spyware they got from dudes downloading wicked porn on the sly.

Today I chopped wood. Today I bought stamps.

I've been reading The Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams. for those of you who don't know, (shame! shame I say) Douglas Adams wrote The Hichhiker's Guide to The Galaxy. The Salmon of Doubt, published after his death, is a collection of essays and articles he wrote over his career. It's great reading. Better than the Hichhiker's series, I think.

Anywhooo, I'm sweating my naughty bits off because I was out in the humidity chopping wood.

Air Conditioner update: it's working fine, now that it's thawed out.

danmanning.com

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

traffic accident. magic ambulance.
Weird morning all the way around.

My first call today was to repair a receipt printer at the Zales jewelry store at Rivertown Mall. That involves a jaunt down I96. It was raining kind of hard, and traffic was heavy. So I’m tooling along in the slow lane, minding my own damn bidness, when this Semi changes lanes from the right lane to the left lane, cutting off a small blue car that was already in the left lane.

And so the fishtailing begins for the little blue car. It started out with a wobble to the right, a wobble to the left, etc., slowly getting more and more severe until it was perpendicular to traffic facing right, then the other way facing left, and then it. It seems like it took forever, and the entire time I’m slowing down nice and easy thinking “please don’t let me get caught up in the crash, I got shit to do.”

But the blue car, magically, doesn’t hit any other car, and it careens off the highway and down the embankment.

So I pull over and hit the hazard button. I check the mirror. Didn’t want to lose my door to the highway traffic tearing down the slick, rainy road. I get out and run across the two lanes of highway and down through the high wet weeds and the blue car is at the bottom of the ditch, front end crumpled against a tree.

I have the cell phone out and dial 911

I tap on the window, and this girl is just bawling her eyes out, her face is all cried-up and red, she’s shaking and holding her cell phone. She opens the door and says, “The truck cut me off,” and she’s bawling. I tell ask her if she’s okay and she says her shoulder hurts. I tell her I’m calling for help and wonder why it’s taking so long for them to answer the friggin’ phone.

Then I remember to hit “Send,” and my hands are shaking, even though she obviously isn’t hurt, I realize that while I can tell everything will be fine, this poor young woman thinks she almost died. She’s not hysterical, but she’s got that little girl scaredy voice, like she’s trying real hard not to cry, and I tell her she’ll be okay.

So the operator asks what the emergency is, and I tell her there’s been an accident on I96 west, and the operator informs me that I96 is a long highway, could she get a little information like, mile marker or exit?

I have no idea. I had been listening to XM radio “Chill” station just vegetating and driving when the whole fishtail dance started two car-lengths ahead of me. So I climb the embankment and look for a mile-marker. There’s one about twenty or thirty yards down the road, but like a jackass, I left my glasses in the car and I have no idea what the fuzzy shapes on the little sign say.

Cell phone to ear, I’m running down the shoulder until the fuzzy white shapes pull themselves together enough to say “72” I tell the operator.

So I run back down the embankment, and I ask the girl how her shoulder is, and she says she thinks she’s not hurt. I ask her name and she says “Becky,” and tell her everything is going to be fine, she’d not hurt, and help is on the way. I look up and the ambulance is already there, backing up on the shoulder, as if by magic. I swear three minutes didn’t pass between the accident and the ambulance getting there.

I go halfway up the embankment and meet the ambulance drivers. I asked if they needed me to hang around, and he says no, so I leave.

I go to the mall with soaking wet pants and boots covered with weed stuff, and I fix the receipt printer.

I am such a big friggin hero.

danmanning.com

Fun during W's war:
Here's a little detail the "president" probably won't be mentioning any time soon, involving the marines shooting those women and children:

"Since he was part of the cleanup crew, he had to carry that little girl's body, and her head was blown off," she said. "Her brains splattered on his boots. And that is what affected Brian the most." -link

Too bad W hid out in the Texas National Guard when all of the poorer dudes were seeing what war was about in Vietnam. Maybe he wouldn't have had such a hard-on to invade Iraq. Some of our guys lost their minds over there and blew some kid's brains out, along with a bunch of other innocent women and children. Any of us (even me) could be driven to madness by this bullshit.

Too bad this is all going on for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.

danmanning.com

Monday, May 29, 2006

four funny audio clips (clean!)

danmanning.com

CNN.com - Doc gives patient blood during surgery
CNN.com - Doc gives patient blood during surgery So a doctor is in El Salvador during a mercy-mission surgery for an 8 year old. They can't stop the bleeding. He finds out they are both B-neg, so he has his own blood drawn--during surgery--to save the boy's life. That's a friggin hero right there.

danmanning.com

I am the Neglector!

So far this year, my neglect to detail has cost me the underground sprinkler system, (I didn’t drain it, it froze and broke the pipes. I think anyway, I don’t have the courage to turn them on and check. Maybe we’ll get a lot of rain this year) and now, I didn’t change the air filter in the air-conditioner, and the thing froze over. It’s friggin hot outside, and we have to wait two days for the AC to defrost. It’s a solid block of ice downstairs. I discovered the filter myself, after running for two days and freezing it. I have a buddy who services AC and heating systems, and he told me to let it thaw out. So we have no AC for two days because I am a very primitive primate. Intelligent design my ass.

I went golfing this morning with Brian, Jay, and Sid. Great times. I didn’t golf so well, but had a good time nonetheless. We went to BW3s after, and I had a grilled chicken sandwich and a beer.

After that, it was chillin’ in the pool.

danmanning.com

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Happy Memorial Day Weekend
I love cnn.com. Today the "headline" is 3000+ killed in Indonesia quake. The big photo on their from page? Pat Tillman. A white, successful jock gets killed in Afghanistan two years ago, it's news. 3000 brown skinned people get killed YESTERDAY, and it doesn't rate a single photograph on the front page.

Always with the rich, attractive white people. They are so much more interesting than poor brown-skinned people. I know I still wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats asking, "My God! What happened to Natalie Holloway!?" Let me make it clear, Pat Tillman had the courage and ethics to do what he thought was right, and God bless him. I'm bitching about the media.

And while I'm bitching . . .

Every day brown skinned people are dying because of the actions of a spoiled, draft-dodging, ex-coke-head, ex-cheerleader bumbling idiot. Mr. My Pet Goat reading, "bring 'em on" spouting fake cowboy (who was born in Connecticut, not Texas), was sent through Yale and Harvard (because his rich daddy went there) and succeeded in failing at everything he ever did since then. Is GWB more important than the latest 4 year old Iraqi girl who is dead because of his irresponsible power grab for his corporate overlords?

This fake-ass, "good ol' boy", Clint-Eastwood-impersonating jackass who has never had to balance a checkbook or pay his own way for anything isn't more important than the Iraqi twelve year old boy who sees his parents killed by American bombs. What does that brown skinned person think of American policy? "Oh yeah, America, they killed my parents." Another satisfied customer.

Now that's how you get rid of terrorism. Nice going asshole. I hope they not only impeach this son-of-a-bitch, I hope they indict him afterward.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend. Memorize that.

danmanning.com

Friday, May 26, 2006

Thanks. No.
Thanks. No. tired of getting all those dumb-ass Fwd: emails and "virus warnings?" Just send them a link to ThanksNo.com, hopefully they'll get a clue. Of course, I'm not talking about you :)

danmanning.com

pool filling season again

pool filling season again
Originally uploaded by danmanning2001.
Yes, once again, it's time to set up the portable pond and fill er up. School ends in a week, and I'm ready. In other news, I propigated dial-up goodness to all cusomers today. I picked up dog poop. Tomorrow I may in fact mow the lawn.

danmanning.com

Thursday, May 25, 2006

this post has no title.
tried, and failed to read Douglas Adam's "Mostly Harmless". It was craptastic. wrote some filler for the local newspaper about crap on the internet. emailed it to the editor. heard nothing. i have horrible sinus congestion, due to pollen. Took some medicine, now feel like crap. girls are singing "everybody's working for the weekend . . ." in high-falsetto operatic voices. i'm not sure how this is happening. not sure where they heard a Loverboy song that was a hit in 1981, fifteen years before either one of them were born.

i've had no calls today, which makes me surly, and makes me wonder what's the difference between being self-employed and un-employed. it just matters if the friggin' phone rings. thing is i make more in one hour working for myself than i would working all day at Lowes, so I guess i'm stuck. plus i can play world of warcraft or work on my book when i'm not fixing other people's computer problems.

at least they convicted those Enron assholes.

danmanning.com

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

yet again, my stories are getting out there:

yet again, my stories are getting out there: this time on the podcast AIR OUT MY SHORTS episode number 46 (available on Itunes, or on theitspot.com's website.) click the "listen" link. Basically, they read 800 word stories on their show. So they read my story "The Wrong Excuse" and they liked it.

danmanning.com

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Oil Protest

Don't do it silhouette guy! Don't!

danmanning.com

writing about Monday on Tuesday:
Hola amigos! Kay Pasa? Ha ha. No, really, I suck at Spanish. The only thing I know how to say in Spanish is "Coronas."

Yesterday I unboxed a brand new Dell and set it up in a dentist office. I made a printer print. I wrote some words. I took Savannah to the library. I watched AeonFlux (2005, Charlize Theron) it sucked in a way a 92 minute music video would suck if it wasn't very good. Theron is super hot, so I watched it till the end.

Today slow computers will become suddenly fast after my skillfull administrations. I will golf erratically; my chip shots will fall short, and my drives will veer to the right, probably seeking the company of trees.

Life is good, my mind is clear, my teeth don't hurt, and the coffee is always hot at Denny's. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me . . . motherfuckers!

danmanning.com

Saddam's "Get Out of Here, Curse You!" Hits Bookstores in Japan
Saddam's "Get Out of Here, Curse You!" Hits Bookstores in Japan

I don't know how good a book by Uncle Saddam might be, but it's a catchy title.

danmanning.com

Sunday, May 21, 2006

six flags / choristers trip

Saturday we got up at five and drove 228 miles to Gurnee, IL for Savannah's choir competition. They took first place. Traffic wasn't bad. We went to Six Flags Great America after that. The weather was perfect, it wasn't too crowded. I stood in line for the "Superman" ride an hour and a half. (it broke down for five minutes while I was in line, but they fixed it.) It wasn't that good.

The best ride the Giant Drop, which is a free-fall ride. Scared the crap out of me.

The drive home was an butt-kicker, but i'm a driving pansy when it comes to long distances. Lucky I had my iPod loaded with lots of political talk shows and podcasts. Kept me wide awake, and shortened the drive. We got home about one in the morning. It was raining. I hate driving at night.

IN OTHER HUGE NEWS . . . When I got home, despite the late hour, I checked my email. I sold ANOTHER STORY to another SF magazine, this time for the March '07 issue of AOIFE'S KISS magazine.

danmanning.com

Friday, May 19, 2006

i survived
I got over the flu. That means I can get sick with Bird Flu with the rest of you. Thank goodness we'll all go through it together.

I made a XP installation genuine by some simple registry changes :) I declared a camera incapable of connecting to its computer.

I fished a shoe off of the roof of the school.

I have something VERY IMPORTANT to say to you all. Please get all your news from Ze Frank from now on. It is very important that you do this.

I played World of Warcraft. I read a book. I coughed up some phlem. I ate some bratwurst. I filled the van up with gas. (oh . . . my . . . God that sh*t's expensive!) I sat on the paito. I watched television. I typed this.

danmanning.com

Thursday, May 18, 2006

i still have the friggin flu
I'm not used to being sick three days in a row. I feel like hammered dog shit. God dammit this sux. thanks for listening.

danmanning.com

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

must . . . fight . . . flu . . .
While I am weak, I still maintain my dominance over all things technological. Aching joints and blocked cranium will not stop me from making my appointed rounds. Cleared computer viruses today, golfed poorly yesterday. My eyes are on fire!

danmanning.com

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

blablablabla
i have nothing to report. business is slow. it rained all weekend. it's Alex's birthday, i'd better go buy her a present. I got a sore throat. my novel sux. i'm sick of playing world of warcraft. i golf tonight. i'm cold. my nose is running. i have to take a shower.

blablabla

danmanning.com

Saturday, May 13, 2006

open letter to at&t

danmanning.com

Friday, May 12, 2006

TRAPPED!

There are nine grade-school girls watching "Garfield, The Movie" in my living room right now.

Hunkered down in my office, door closed, my only contact with the outside world is my cable modem internet connection, XM radio, and a hand-held portable TV. I'm not sure how long I can last. The dog is in the office with me because she'll eat all of the childrens' pizza, and we can't have that.

The reason there are so many childrens in my house is Alexandria's 8th b'day, which is on the 16th. She's having the big ta-do tonight because we have something or other going on that weekend, so it's all about scheduling.

Today I manifested AOL connectivity, Wireless hoo-ha, and reformat goodness. Long live Microsoft and their fragile, touchy OS.

In other news, Joey Harrington was traded to Miami. Thank God! Loser! Be Gone!

danmanning.com

you know those tampon applicators?
. . . well, when I was a little kid, too young to know what those tampon applicators were, I found some. Somewhere. Don't remember where. Anywho . . . I did what any little kid would do with little cardboard tubes: I filled them full of mud, set them out in the sun to dry, and then pretended that the little mud cylinders were grenades. Great fun. Happy Friday Ya'all!

danmanning.com

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

this is what happened today:
rich guys got tax cuts. guys got killed in Iraq. i fixed anti-virus software. two re-formats. went for a walk. had a big mac. had some root-beer candy.

danmanning.com

Monday, May 08, 2006

Britney Spears in Tip-Top Shape
Britney Spears in Tip-Top Shape <- you have to see this! thanks Barry!

danmanning.com

I golfed today.
Well, didn't have anything this afternoon, so I went golfing. Perfect weather. Hit a 50. I had a birdie putt on the 9th hole. It's a par 5 and I was on in two. Yikes! Check out my golf scores at my golf score web page

danmanning.com

sprinkler

sprinkler
Originally uploaded by danmanning2001.
Who's looking at my website from Indiana? Did I know you in High School? Give me an email so we can catch up.

This morning Alex was home from school, but she's feeling better and I'm going to walk her to the office so she can go this afternoon. She hates staying home from school. Savannah feels just the opposite.

Since I let my underground sprinkler system freeze over the winter, I have to sprinkle the lawn old school. (No, I don't pee on it, I use the garden hose and a sprinkler.

I had to change out a power supply at a Law Office. Otherwise, I'm making postcards and watering the lawn.

danmanning.com

Saturday, May 06, 2006

new axe

new axe
Originally uploaded by danmanning2001.
Today, I tried to have a yard sale and failed. dan + yardsale = failure. So I took the crap to Goodwill and went to the Hideout Brewery for a couple (2) beers. Savannah, Cassidy and I took walked to the library. On the way I talked with a fake lithp and pronounced all of my Rs as Ws and made funny. At the library, we picked up a couple of books. Then we walked home and discussed the meaning of life and the existential ideas. Then I came home to chop wood. The 2006 firewood project is going swimmingly. Plus, I kick ass at chopping wood.

danmanning.com

cut from web page
friday may 5, 2006

Today I had a yard sale. Sort of. I took a couple of tables, the weight bench and an old bicycle. We put some of the girls' old cloths on one table, and a bunch of books on the other. With various crappy toys. I made it quick to stow away in case I got any calls, which I did.

the dark lord re-emerges??

thursday may 4, 2006

check out the video on photographic memory. amazing.

danmanning.com

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Most annoying driving habits:


1. Distracted drivers talking on cell phones (28.5 percent)

2. Slow drivers in the fast lane (21.6 percent)

3. Pushy drivers who tailgate (18.1 percent)

4. Drivers who weave through traffic to gain one or two car lengths (12.5 percent)

5. Obnoxious drivers who speed up to keep you from changing lanes (5.5 percent)

6. Hasty drivers who change lanes without signaling (4.9 percent)

7. Road Rage (2.7 percent)

8. Motorcyclists who race down the middle of a lane, between cars (2.1 percent)

9. Women applying makeup and men shaving (1.7 percent)

10. Drivers who leave their turn signal on for miles (0.92 percent)

Source: Hagerty Insurance

danmanning.com

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

We had a talking cat for president?
"Did you know former President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other at the same time?" Leno said. "That was Garfield. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'We had a talking cat for president?"

I don't usually quote Leno, but that's friggin' funny. Last night I got to bed at nine. I slept good, and I actually felt RESTED this morning. I did a reformat, paid my quarterly sales tax, fixed some Windows Update stuff and Anti-virus stuff at a law office, sat out on the veranda deck and read, and generally had a good day. Savannah and I went to the dollar store and everything there was a dollar. We got poster paper, Slim-Jims, a chewy for the dog, little tiny screwdrivers for work, and some envelopes.

danmanning.com

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Stephen Colbert Has Brass Cojones
SFGate: Culture Blog! : Stephen Colbert Has Brass Cojones Watch Steve Rip W right in front of his confused face!

danmanning.com

Monday, May 01, 2006

dan weighs in on the issues: immigration
First off, we get exactly what we deserve. The government that YOU and I elected failed to control the borders. Because we failed to control the borders, people looking for a better life crossed the borders, because there is work on one side and not the other. No shit. More power to em.

Second off, the people coming over are doing exactly what we would do if we needed work. We'd go where the jobs are. Duh. More power to 'em. An open border, opportunity, bla bla bla. What the hell did we think would happen?

Third, since they're already here, we can't send them back. We're not going to round up millions of people and truck them back to Mexico. It's not going to happen. If that's the case, the Native Americans could kick all of us out--except they have no power. (Native Americans got exaclty what THEY deserved. They didn't secure their borders, and the white man took all of their land. Duh.)

Now we, the current crop of immigrants, US Citizens, have failed to secure our borders, and we will lose our shit if we don't watch it.

I have nothing against people coming here. My ancestors came here. Some folk's ancestors were FORCED to come here. Jesus, let's not bring that up. If the government that WE elected, or the government that WE didn't bother to vote for ("i was too busy to go vote."), for every letter WE never sent to our congressman (Do you even know who represents your district? Probably not dumb-ass.) For every time we ignored our lawmakers and sat on our asses watching American Idol or played video games, while our elected officials, from President Dip Shit all the way down to Congressman BribeMe took our tax money and flushed it away on pork, and then borrowed billions from the Chinese while we bought cheap shoes at Wal-Mart, while the borders were wide open and we were sucking the tit of middle Eastern oil, while we were fucking off and not paying attention, everything went to hell. Every time we elect a moron to office, we get what we deserve. And we deserve everything we get. So get out your Spanish-English translation book or start learning Spanish with an online course, cause we've opened the floodgates, and God bless the Mexicans for coming over here and giving us everything we deserve.

Dan's Solution: secure the border, document those who are already here, and then control the borders from now on. Maybe we should pay attention to stuff before it becomes a big friggin' issue.

danmanning.com