Thursday, July 24, 2014

THE THEME SONG FROM THREE'S COMPANY (IS STUCK IN MY HEAD)

Sometimes, the theme song from the hit television show, "Three's Company" spontaneously gets stuck in your head. Other times, it gets stuck in someone else's head, but they post on the Internet how the theme from "Three's Company" is stuck in their head, and then it is stuck in yours, and you're like, "dammit."

"Come and knock on our door
(Come and knock on our door)
We've been waiting for you
(We've been waiting for you)
Somethin' somethin' somethin' his
Three's company, too!"

So anyway. There is is.

Monday, July 21, 2014

# WHICH DIPPING SAUCE WOULD JESUS PREFER?

Biblical scholars cannot tell us which dipping sauces Jesus would prefer, if given a choice of today's dipping sauces. He might choose "mild," for the meek shall inherit the earth, but maybe not. He might choose "honey-mustard," although this too is pure speculation.

The question over which dipping sauce Jesus would choose has plagued theologians for decades, and in 1972 almost caused a schism in Catholic Church, similar to the East-West schism of 1053. In 1972 Pope Paul VI declared that the preferred dipping sauce of Jesus Christ was "ranch," and that all teachings to the contrary was heresy.

Makarios III, Archbishop of Cyprus during that period, declared that no, in fact, Jesus preferred "honey-mustard" dipping sauce.

The question remains. What dipping sauce would Jesus prefer, if given a choice? Some of us believe that Jesus is open to all types of dipping sauces, not preferring one over the other.

What's your opinion? Which dipping sauce do you think Jesus would prefer, when having wings or maybe chicken strips?

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

#48 AND THEN YOU LOOK AT THE INTERNET

You live in a house,
You pay a bill,
You go to work,
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, there's stuff there on that screen

You drive your car
You buy some gas
You go back home
And then you look at the Internet

Type in some words and spell check what you wrote

You have a snack,
You take a poop,
You wash your hands,
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, there's stuff there on that screen

You take a nap
You wake back up
You watch tv
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, a cat or something else

You fry an egg
And drink your juice,
You drive to work
And then you look at the Internet

Oh my god, the wireless is down

You get real drunk
And you fall down,
You text your ex
And then you look at the Internet

Pictures of you, with something on your shirt

You take a trip
And snap some pics
You upload some
And then you look at the Internet

Clickety click, ya scroll some and you click

Monday, July 07, 2014

Tinea Versicolor

If you found this by searching tinea versicolor, then I assume you have it. It isn't fun having spots, and I had it for a long, long time,(I'm 47, and I've had it since childhood).

I figured out how to get rid of it. It is completely unscientific, but it has worked for me, so here it goes:

You will need three things:

  1. the cruelest, hardest bristle brush you can find.
  2. a bottle of dandruff shampoo
  3. a bathtub.

Find the hardest bristle brush you can stand, then find one with even stiffer bristles. Take a nice relaxing bath. Put the dandruff shampoo in the water. Make bubbles. Soak.

When your skin is nice and loosened up, scrub every inch as hard as you can stand. Get every bit of dead skin off. Rub your arms, your neck, your ribs, your back and anywhere else (not your private parts, that's crazy). Rub the bubbles from the dandruff shampoo in really hard. Then scrub some more. Make sure it hurts.

Do this once a week for two or three weeks.

This isn't a permanent cure, but it has worked for me. My skin, for the first time in forever, is clear. It's the only thing that has worked. Can't guarantee it will work for you, but what the heck: spots.

Good luck.

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

{The following includes extensive use of ellipsis.}

Sometimes, on television, or on the radio, actors will pause . . . as if they are thinking up their lines off the top of the head, impromptu, when talking about the careful consideration they took when choosing their bank, their insurance, or their laxatives. On television, they will look to the side . . . they will pause . . . as if trying to find the right word to say. These actors are trying to appear thoughtful, wise . . . reflective.

These lines are carefully crafted by writers who know what buttons to push, and what keywords to include . . . or exclude. But the actors will pause . . . as if thinking . . . usually ending with something like, "and that's important to me," or "shouldn't my bank/insurance/laxative do this or that?"

About Me

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I am the author of 8 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, Brain Giblets, The Cubicles of Madness, Booze and News, Get Your Zen On, Zen Happens, and most recently, Robot Stories. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at danmanning.com

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