Sunday, June 22, 2014


The ice-cream truck came by today, and I wondered, "Why is the music so loud?" The answer came to me immediately: kids don't play outside so much anymore. The music has to penetrate the walls of houses. The dens and bedrooms.  The music has to be loud enough to reach the iPad users, the video game players, the Minecrafters and the World of Warcrafters. The Facebookers and the ear-budders. The Neflixers and the Spotifiers. And the bloggers.

So. The obnoxiously loud "Popeye" music.

Good luck ice-cream truck guy, good luck.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014


If they made a movie about how Tom Hanks battles his addiction to "Hot Pockets," it isn't going to end with him crying into a plate of Hot Pockets, watching re-runs of "Facts of Life" in a poorly lit apartment, alone, estranged from his girlfriend, played by SofĂ­a Vergara, just shoveling "Hot Pockets" into his face, crying because he can't stop. He's addicted, and he gave up.

No. It wouldn't end like that. There would be a scene where his personal trainer (played by George Cloony ) says, "Tom, I've looked at this from ten different directions, and there's just no way you can eat on your budget without including Hot Pockets in your diet. It's just impossible.

And that's when Sofia Vergara walks out on him. And for a while, he eats "Hot Pockets", as his friends distance themselves from an ever-expanding Tom Hanks. "I don't know you anymore," his friend, played by Jonah Hill, says.

Finally, when all seems hopeless, he's standing in front of the Hot Pockets shelves at the grocery store, while "O Fortuna" plays in the background. A tight shot of the different brands, and Tom's bloated face, licking his lips, trying to decide, hating himself, when suddenly an obese woman in horrifying yoga pants elbows past him, shoveling entire shelves of Hot Pockets into her cart, breathing heavily. She looks like she's on death's door, and Tom decides then and there to change his ways.

He rolls his cart to the produce section.

Cut to six months later. A much slimmer Tom Hanks finishes his first half-marathon. He has a long way to go, but he won't give up. He'll get his life back together. And who is waiting at the finish line? Sofia Vergara, and their newborn child, a child Tom Hanks didn't even know about.


card, card credit card,
borrowing money isn't hard.
you need to buy a lot of stuff,
cause you're convinced it's not enough.

look, our truck,
it's so damn tough
look, our truck,
won some awards,
don't be a pussy,
are you a man?
buy our truck.
you need our truck.
our manly truck.

let us loan you money.
let us loan you cash.
usury is funny,
let us loan you cash

our insurance is better,
buying insurance is fun.
with lizards and weird ladies,
buying insurance is fun.
it isn't a big scam,
buying insurance is fun.


your skin is shit.
you're getting old,
your skin is saggy
you look like shit,
your skin's not tight.
we'll make it right,
just buy this cream,
and live the dream
of youthful skin
be young again!
this magic oil
will remove boils.
you're getting old.
{you're so damn old!}

beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.

our bank is more personal.
we want to make you rich.
just let us hold your money.
how will you retire?
we really love you, really.
give us your money.

tonight, a cop show,
cop show cop, a cop show
cop show cop show cop.
tonight a very special guest,
a talent show, and all the rest.

this gadget is new
this gadget is sleek,
this gadget is better
than one from last week
and if you don't buy it
you're going to die
of embarrassment,
buy it, or get left behind.

cook this for your family,
they'll love you, they will
they'll smile and be happy,
just trust us, cook this swill.

lawyer lawyer lawyer law.
law lawyer lawyer lawyer law

burger, burger, taco, steak
pizza, burger, chocolate shake
chocolate ice-cream, masticate
this crap and then regurgitate.

are you real fat?
imagine that.
we can fix that
we're standing by
to take your calls,
to make you thin
and masculine,
or feminine

happy pills
happy pills
are you sad? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills
still unhappy? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

chess game I played against my phone.


Just want to show you how I beat down my phone in a chess game:
That is all.

Sunday, June 08, 2014


Snacking time has come,
All the snacks are gone,
Children don't fear the Keebler,
Although he's small and he's kinda weird,
{He can fill the cookie jar}

Make some cookies...
Don't fear the Keebler,
{He's just makin' some snacks}
Don't fear the Keebler,
{Makes his home in a tree}
Don't fear the Keebler
{wears a little red hat}

La, la la, la la
La, la la, la la

Thursday, June 05, 2014


It seems like every day, we see more people doing and saying stupider things. Why does it seem like the world's population is getting stupider? I have four general theories, all completely impossible to prove, and probably stupid in themselves:

1. People are just getting stupider. Through the decline in education, our increased reliance on Frankenfood, and, among other things, the popularity of stupid things on television, it is possible that an increasing percentage of the population is becoming stupid, slack-jawed non-book-reading lazy slobs, lumbering around, doing and saying stupid shit.  People are simply getting stupider and stupider.

2. People aren't getting stupider, but there are more cameras to catch more stupid things happening. With so many television channels, more people must bloviate more often about stupider subjects. There is also the cheap way to make television: stupidity as entertainment. Find a group of idiots, put them on television, and viola! a hit television show.

With cameras in phones, on dashboards, buildings and traffic poles, more stupid things are caught on camera, and with the Internet, those stupid things caught on camera are disseminated to more people, thus making it seem like humans are getting stupider.

3. The percentage of stupid people is not increasing, but there are simply more people, and while the percentage of stupid people isn't going up, the sum total of stupid people walking around doing stupid shit is rising. And since the chance of hearing about stupid shit is increased by increased surveillance, (see point 2. above) it SEEMS like people are getting exponentially stupider.

4. People are just getting stupider.

About Me

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I am the author of 5 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, The Cubicles of Madness, Robot Stories, and most recently, Various Meats and Cheeses. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at