Most Ironic Advertising I've Seen in Awhile

 So we were watching a murder show, and there is an actual commercial for Life Insurance, and in the commercial, the wife is talking the husband into buying life insurance. And the plot of the murder show we are watching pretty much matches that setup exactly.

2018 in Review

This year that thing happened and we were all like, NO WAY! And some people wore suits or pant-suits and spoke into microphones. Then some political stuff happened, and we were like, NO WAY! ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE! But then something new happened, probably on television or in the news.

Some good TV series ended or began, and some people were like, THIS IS SO AWESOME, and others were like, "Meh."

There were some award shows, where men wore tuxedos and women showed off their fancy dresses, and everyone was like, "She looked this way or that!"

Then some science stuff happened, and robots. Just last year, we were all thinking, I can't believe 2016 is already over with, there was so much bullshit. What bullshit is going to happen next? And bullshit DID happen. This year we are all thinking, I can't believe 2017 is over with, there was so much bullshit, What bullshit is going to happen next?

Sports and award shows, and weather happened. There were some emergencies. Some people got all shot up and we were all sad for a few days, but then sports happened.

And economy. Gas prices were one price, and then another. There were jobs and stuff, or no jobs, and men in ties stood at microphones and said some stuff.

So anyway. Freedom 2018.

Tonight, on DUMBSHOW . . .

"Tonight on a very special episode of DUMBSHOW, we explore the hidden relationship between cable repair trucks and orange cones. What is the hidden meaning of their symbiotic existence?"

Cola Hubris

Those new Coca~Cola commercials are sad and incredibly stupid:

"Hey consumer! You are surrounded by an Internet filled with relentless, hate-filled trolls who will stop at nothing to make your life a living hell. Your only hope is that some reckless, clumsy network administrator who doesn't follow the rules (NO FOOD OR DRINKS IN THE SERVER ROOM, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD) spills his Coke on a MAGICAL SERVER that will allow the Internet, simply by the virtue of some freakish, impossible anomaly, to artificially cheer you up, by accident, by creating some kind of virtual AI "friend" that will boost your spirits, (which, by the way, you are unable to do yourself, as you are a complete victim of all the idiots on the Internet {stop staring into your phone!})."

Anyway, that's how I feel about Coca~Cola's new ad campaign. For the record, I like Coca~Cola. It is delicious and refreshing.  They should go back to the old, "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" hubris, and shitcan this "WE ARE YOUR A.I. FEEL-GOOD OVERLORDS" hubris.

{The following includes extensive use of ellipsis.}

Sometimes, on television, or on the radio, actors will pause . . . as if they are thinking up their lines off the top of the head, impromptu, when talking about the careful consideration they took when choosing their bank, their insurance, or their laxatives. On television, they will look to the side . . . they will pause . . . as if trying to find the right word to say. These actors are trying to appear thoughtful, wise . . . reflective.

These lines are carefully crafted by writers who know what buttons to push, and what keywords to include . . . or exclude. But the actors will pause . . . as if thinking . . . usually ending with something like, "and that's important to me," or "shouldn't my bank/insurance/laxative do this or that?"

#88 AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

card, card credit card,
borrowing money isn't hard.
you need to buy a lot of stuff,
cause you're convinced it's not enough.

look, our truck,
it's so damn tough
look, our truck,
won some awards,
don't be a pussy,
are you a man?
buy our truck.
you need our truck.
our manly truck.

let us loan you money.
let us loan you cash.
usury is funny,
let us loan you cash

our insurance is better,
buying insurance is fun.
with lizards and weird ladies,
buying insurance is fun.
it isn't a big scam,
buying insurance is fun.

PENIS PILLS, PENIS PILLS,
PENIS PENIS PENIS PILLS!
PENIS PILLS, PENIS PILLS,
PENIS PENIS PILLS!

your skin is shit.
you're getting old,
your skin is saggy
you look like shit,
your skin's not tight.
we'll make it right,
just buy this cream,
and live the dream
of youthful skin
be young again!
this magic oil
will remove boils.
you're getting old.
{you're so damn old!}

beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.

our bank is more personal.
we want to make you rich.
just let us hold your money.
how will you retire?
we really love you, really.
give us your money.

tonight, a cop show,
cop show cop, a cop show
cop show cop show cop.
tonight a very special guest,
a talent show, and all the rest.

this gadget is new
this gadget is sleek,
this gadget is better
than one from last week
and if you don't buy it
you're going to die
of embarrassment,
buy it, or get left behind.

cook this for your family,
they'll love you, they will
they'll smile and be happy,
just trust us, cook this swill.

lawyer lawyer lawyer law.
law lawyer lawyer lawyer law

burger, burger, taco, steak
pizza, burger, chocolate shake
chocolate ice-cream, masticate
this crap and then regurgitate.

are you real fat?
imagine that.
we can fix that
we're standing by
to take your calls,
to make you thin
and masculine,
or feminine

happy pills
happy pills
are you sad? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills
still unhappy? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills.

#37 Two Bathtubs

Two bathtubs,
Two bathtubs,
Why do they sit,
In two bathtubs?

Is there water in there?
Do they wear underwear?
Do they wear swimming suits?
Or hold hands in the nude?

Do they leave the tubs out,
When they aren't using them?
Does the plumbing connect,
So to fill them again?

Does the sun always set,
When they get in their tubs?
Will this marketing work,
When they're pushing their drugs?

# THE CORBOMITE MANEUVER, STAR TREK 1966

Oh my God, you guys, yesterday I was watching Star Trek, and the Enterprise was just cruising along, doing star mapping, and Spock was like, "prepare to photograph," and they were just taking pictures of stars and stuff, and then all of the sudden, George Takei was like, "object approaching," and the RED ALERT went off, and then this spinning cube comes up right in their grill, and Spock was like, "Captain Kirk to the bridge," but Kirk was on this weird exercise bike in sickbay, and Dr. McCoy ignored the red light, but then Kirk saw it and he was all walking around the ship without his shirt on. Kirk was like, "does anybody know what this is?" and they were all like, "I don't know," and Scotty was like, "I have no idea how it works, it's just a cube." So then, they try to get around the cube, but it kept following them, and then it started getting closer and Mr. Spock was like, "Oh no, the radiation is really bad," and they tried to get away, and one guy, the navigator, Bailey, was freaking out, and he was like, "let's shoot it," and Kirk said, "cool it mister," and then Spock was like, "the radiation is really bad you guys!" and then Kirk says, "lock phasers," and they shot it.

So then they were like, "Do we keep going on mapping and stuff?" and then the Yeoman brings Kirk a salad, cause Dr. McCoy had put Kirk on a diet, and then there's another red alert, this time a HUGE glowing sphere is in front of them, and a voice says, "I AM BALOK, COMMANDER OF THE FESARIUS, I'M GONNA BLOW YOU GUYS UP FOR DESTROYING THAT WARNING BUOY YOU GUYS! PRAY OR WHATEVER, YOU HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES" and then everybody's freaking out, Sulu keeps saying, like "eight minutes," and they can't move or do anything, and Bailey freaks out so bad that Kirk throws him off the bridge. Then they get "visual" contact, and Balok is a blue freaky looking alien with a giant head. I was so scared you guys! And they can't think of anything to do, Kirk asks Spock what he thinks and Spock says, "we're checkmated man, it's over," and then McCoy comes in, for some reason, even though they have five minutes to live, and starts complaining about how Kirk treated Bailey, and they argue and Kirk's like, "don't bluff me," and then he gets an idea: he says, "it isn't chess, it's poker!" and then he tells Balok that the ship is made of Carbomite, (it isn't) and the ship will reflect any energy back to Balok's ship and destroy them both if Balok blows up the ship. Then the countdown continues, but Balok doesn't blow up the ship, then Balok says, "okay, fine, I'm taking you to my planet, where you'll be prisoners," so Balok puts the Enterprise in a tractor beam with a tiny ship, but it overloads Balok's ship, and then Balok sends a distress signal, and then McCoy is like, "screw that guy, let's get out of here," but Kirk is like, "what's our mission?" and he takes Bailey with him, and they beam over to Balok's ship, and it turns out that the Balok they saw was just a puppet, but it was really a kid, played by Ron Howard's brother who says, "I was just testing you guys! HA HA HA HA!" And then they have orange juice, and Bailey stayed with him for a while as an exchange program, and then he gives them a tour of his tiny ship, and they were all friends. So anyway, it was a pretty good show. So don't give up, or whatever.

#79 THEY TELL US WHAT TO THINK

There are photogenic, sonorous people with cameras and microphones, and they tell us what to think.
They claim to tell us what is happening, but they tell us what to think.
They might be on the Left, and they might be on the Right, but they tell us what to think.
 They tell us what to buy and wear and drink and they tell us what to think.
Right and the Left work together to tell us what to think.
 If we think for ourselves we are told we are wrong and they tell us what to think.
They "inform" us by forming us and they tell us what to think.
 The news is not the news because they tell us what to think.
 By tone of voice and innuendo and background music they hide that they are telling us what to think while they tell us what to think.

In school they tell us what to think. In church they tell us what to think.
At work they tell us what to think.
On the campaign trail and in office they tell us what to think.
Rebellious groups are still groups and they tell us what to think.
In press releases and written statements they tell us what to think.
 In history books and police reports they tell us what to think.
Our families and friends tell us what to think.
 Commercials tell us we shrink and slink and stink and they tell us what to eat and drink and think.
Everywhere you turn people tell us what to think.

Why can't Chevy make lawn mowers?

Chevy has a commercial where Howie Long compares Chevys to Hondas. In the end he says, "Honda has one thing we can't compete with..." and they show a Honda lawn mower. I guess that was supposed to make some kind of point, but my first reaction was, "Why can't Chevy make lawn mowers?"

new blog post in 3...2...1...

How to make your dull day a little more interesting: On the show Mythbusters, before they do anything, they always announce what they're going to do and then count down from three: "Firing in 3...2...1..." and then they fire the gun or whatever. "Electrocution test in 3...2...1..." and then they pull the switch.

I think we can all incorporate this weird behavior in our own lives. "Saying grace in 3...2...1...", or "brushing teeth in 3...2...1..." or, "coffee break in 3...2...1..."

It might help break up a dull day (if you have those) or at least annoy or entertain those around you.

This has been a tip from Dan Manning, who is waiting for the damn phone to ring (in 3...2...1...)

On Canceling My WoW Account At 3 Something in The Morning

I woke up at three this morning thinking about one thing. Not the economic catastro-fnck in which we're all about to wallow. Not the book I'm supposed to be writing. No. I woke up thinking about how I was going to kill Baron Rivendare in Stratholme. When you wake up at three in the morning, and the first thing you think about is a role-playing game, even one as awesome as World of Warcraft, it's time to disable the account. (For awhile)

At the age of forty-two(1) I should be doing something besides slaying imaginary monsters, shouldn't I? Writing! Writing! I tell myself. The only overhead involved in writing is time, paper, and thought. Those come pretty cheap, even these days, yet I can't bring myself to commit to writing anything "kick-ass". I can't commit to jack-squat. It is this intrinsic laziness on my part, this absolute procrastination, this ridonkulous nerdic half-assedness that keeps you, dear reader, denied the pure genius that I, Dan Manning, might excrete from my brain-wrinkles if only motivated to do so.

That is the reason that I, Dan Manning, have cancelled my World of Warcraft subscription. The world needs greatness right now. This week, Barack Obama hit his head on the side of an airplane while waving to the press. I've cancelled the President's Weekly Radio Address from my iTunes, and I never actually listened to any. It's been what? three weeks since he took office? Turns out he is not the Messiah; he's just another guy in a suit.

The world needs a hero, and I, being the narcissist that I am, have come to the conclusion that out of the six-billion people(2) on this earth , I am the hero that this great nation, nay, the undeserving world itself, needs.

How many of us heroes have been distracted by Bread and Circuses? How many of us have given up reading only to watch another episode of "Mythbusters"? (Or "Destroyed in Seconds", "Southpark", or "Spongebob Squarepants") How many of us geniuses, thinkers, philosophers and scientists have watched one too many episodes of (INSERT FAVORITE TELIVISION SHOW HERE). Those half-hours can't be retrieved. That time is truly wasted. Our journey between cradle to grave is finite. Time does not wait for the dreamer, the idle, or the American Idol voter. Time does not give the Beanie-Babies collector a second chance. Those focused on hate, triviality, NASCAR, "This American Life" or Facebook have chosen to invest that time, that precious, unique, non-refundable block of time without reflecting on what they have lost: time.

What am I trying to say here? Oh yes. My World of Warcraft subscription. It drops off at 4:09 PM Thursday. Mark that down folks, that is the day the world gains a new Shakespeare. That is the moment a genius will embark on a story so heartbreaking, so inspired and true, so infused with the very universal essence of life itself, that all wars, hatred, prejudice, racism, strife and awkward silence will be lifted from this weary world.

Or I'll watch more television. Not sure which.
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(1)42 being the answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything according to Deep Thought. It only took the supercomputer, created by the hyperintelligent pan-dimentional beings, 1.5 million years to figure out

(2)many of them more educated; many of them more motivated, determined, and focused; some of them better looking; many with a lower BMI; many who rely less on Wikipedia and spell check; many with lower voices, less wrinkles, better haircuts; many more modest, talented, and loving; many more deserving; more caring and empathetic

the first starship Enterprise crewmember to be killed off

Michael Zaslow was the first red-shirt on Star Trek (original series) to get killed off. Wiki entry here. thanks Barry for that awesome info.

41 Years of Television Programming

Here's the List of Crap I've watched. It's off the top of my head and probably incomplete and inaccurate, but here it is:

Yogi Bear; Scoobie-Doo; Speed Buggy; Lost in Space; Bewitched; I Dream of Jeanie; Ultraman; Gilligan's Island; Green Acres; Leave It to Beaver; Grape Ape; Rocky & Bulwinkle; Kojack; Charlie's Angels; Brady Bunch; The Lawrence Welk Show; Dukes of Hazard; Mannix; Dr. Who; Star Trek; Sesame Street; Electric Company; Zoom; Nova; Battlestar Galactica; Twilight Zone; Night Gallery; Night Stalker; The Six Million Dollar Man; The Bionic Woman; The Incredible Hulk; Wonder Woman; The Incredible Hulk; Fantasy Island; The Price is Right; Name that Tune; Hollywood Squares; To Tell the Truth; The Gong Show; Dancing with The Stars; Sonny and Cher; Shields and Yarnell Show; Candid Camera; Cosby Show; Who's the Boss; Three's Company; All in The Family; Rhoda; Alice; Frasier; One Day At a Time; Cheers; Dallas; In Living Color; MadTV; Saturday Night Live; Austin City Limits; Second City Television (SCTV); Partridge Family; My Three Sons; Family Affair; Greatest American Hero; CSI; X-Files; Pee Wee Herman Show; Bugs Bunny Road Runner Show; Carol Burnett; Kids In the Hall; Seinfeld; Gunsmoke; The Cisco Kid; Bonanza; Kung Fu; The Simpsons; Futurama; 60 Minutes; Nightline; COPS; Survivor; American Idol; Hardy Boys; Nancy Drew; Drew Cary Show; Who's Line Is It Anyway; Reno 911; Sarah Silverman Program; Spongebob Squarepants; Dirty Jobs; Speed Racer; Charmed; 90210; Different World; Fat Albert; What's Happening; Maud; The Jeffersons; Good Times; Real World; Big Brother; The Bachelor; Joker's Wild; Who Wants to be a Millionaire?; American Gladiator; Ninja Warrior; Battle of the Network Stars; Acceptable TV; Roseanne; Flinstones; Jetsons; The Land of The Lost; Wonderful World of Disney; Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom; ; Quantum Leap; Petticoat Juntion; Donnie and Marie Show; Crocodile Hunter; David Letterman; Little House on The Prairie; The Saint; Emergency; Marcus Welby, M.D.; Doogie Houser; Allie McBeal; Boston Legal; C.H.I.P.S.; Columbo; Let's Make a Deal; Tonight Show; The Daily Show; Stephen Colbert; Different Strokes; Captain Kangaroo; Bozo the Clown; Kukla, Fran, and Ollie; Wheel of Fortune; Jeopardy; $64,000 Pyramid; Starsky and Hutch; Baretta; Facts of Life; H.R. Pufnstuf, Southpark; Monty Python's Flying Circus; Young Ones; Tom and Jerry; Underdog; Mighty Mouse; The Man From Atlantis; Three Stooges; Little Rascals; Abbot and Costello; Hawaii Five-O; Dragnet; Get Smart; Lassie; Munsters; Adams Family; Johnny Quest; Batman; Superman; Superfriends; Laugh-In; The Monkees; Josie and The Pussycats; Archie; Marries . . . With Children; The Wolfman Jack Show; Grizzly Adams; Flipper; Gomer Pyle; Andy Griffith; Hogan's Heroes.