I am Dan the Prophet, and here is my message:

I'm in the coffee shop again, and again there's somebody within earshot talking about "fasting" and "bible study" and all this hocus pocus bullshit. The guy isn't annoying, he seems intelligent, he's sitting with a young woman and her child, and they're talking about a bunch of religious stuff. What a waste. What a total waste. What the hell could they possibly have to "study" about regarding kindness toward other people? How much study does that take? Here's a college class: "Don't be a dick."

That's it. The entire bible could be written on one page:

"Don't be a dick."

That's it. How is there an entire industry, colleges and books and CDs and churches based on constantly trying to remind people to be decent to each other? How much time does it take to figure that out?

How many trees have died for bibles, pamphlets, booklets, hymnals, tracts, worksheets and posters telling people to basically act with kindness toward one another?

The couple is talking about using a highlighter to "go through the booklet" to figure out the "teaching" involved in whatever hooba-jooba they're talking about.

Here's a religion:

"Don't be an asshole."

These four words will be the Old Testament.

Here's the New Testament:

"Be Nice."

Okay, bind that in leather and distribute it to the masses. It should be translated into every language.

I am Dan the Prophet, and here is my message:

"Don't be a douchbag!"
"Cut each other a break once in awhile!"

And yes, I've broken my own rule about a million times. I'm not perfect.

How hard is that to figure out? Every time I come here there are people are talking about the ins and outs of being kind to one another. It's not a science. How much time does it take to learn how to act decently with one another? You need some guy the sky looking over your shoulder to know better than to cheat and steal? You need something carved into stone in order to realize that killing is wrong?

I see the upside to going to church. Lots of people to spend time with. A support group. If it wasn't for the religious part, I'd probably go myself (as long as could skip the really long lecture part). But to be surrounded by people who believe all this crazy shit is too much.

And they only believe it because their PARENTS probably believed it, or their friends believe it. It's a crazy groupthink that is hard to get away from. It's a cult so gigantic that there is no one out there to deprogram all these cultists. It isn't that bad of a thing, I guess, but I wish there was a comparable thing except without the hocus pocus.

(Don't get me wrong, this young couple is not annoying like the paster-loud-cell-phone-talker yesterday. That guy was a total douchbag. At least these two people have discovered their inside voices. I am NOT annoyed by these two people).

If we were really a Christian nation . . .

If we were REALLY a Christian nation, or if all these "Christians" would read their friggin' bible, we wouldn't be in this credit crisis on the brink of a depression:

“He shall lend to you, but you will not lend to him; he shall be the head, and you will be the tail. So all these curses shall come on you and pursue you and overtake you until you are destroyed, because you would not obey the Lord your God by keeping His commandments and His statutes which He commanded you” (Deuteronomy 28:44-45).

Psalm 37:21, “The wicked borrows and does not pay back, but the righteous is gracious and gives.”

Proverbs 22: 26-27
Be not you one of them that strike hands, or of them that are sureties for debts. If thou hast nothing to pay, why should he take away thy bed from under thee?

The only biblical way to borrow:*

Probably the most misunderstood financial principle in God's Word is His prohibition against surety (Proverbs 22:26-27 above). Surety is assuming an obligation to pay indebtedness without a sure way to pay it. Non-collateralized loans and cosigning are examples of surety.

Surety means that we presume on the future. If everything goes as expected, we should be able to pay the money back. But, if something goes wrong and we are not able to repay, then we are left with a debt.

It is only when collateral has been placed as security against the loan that is equal in value to the loan that we can avoid surety. If we are unable to pay the loan back, the creditor can repossess and sell the collateral, which will satisfy the total amount of the loan.

The Bible cautions against any type of loan that is not totally collateralized. If Christians would observe this one caution associated with borrowing, the most they could lose would be the security they had pledged against the loan.

* everything from this point was lifted completely from (http://www.crown.org/LIBRARY/ViewArticle.aspx?ArticleId=683)

Picture of Toast appears on portrait of Jesus! It's a miracle!

swiped from: http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/comments/5132/

The Credit Crunch

If we were really a Chri$tian nation, and we're obviously not, we wouldn't have a credit crunch. Oh America, you nation of Chri$tians, are you really following your bible? I think not:

Exodus 22:25

New American Standard Bible
"If you lend money to My people, to the poor among you, you are not to act as a creditor to him; you shall not charge him interest.

King James Bible
If thou lend money to any of my people that is poor by thee, thou shalt not be to him as an usurer, neither shalt thou lay upon him usury.

Leviticus 25:36

Take thou no usury of him, or increase: but fear thy God; that thy brother may live with thee.

Take no interest from him or profit, but fear your God; that your brother may live among you.

Start growing it out boys and girls

“Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of your beard,” Leviticus 19:27

Read it and weep asswipes! If you cut your hair, you aren't a Christian. Ha ha ha ha ha. The bible says it, so let it be done you heathen bastards! Start growing it out boys and girls, or you will burn in the everlasting fires of Hell. Ha!

DETROIT -- The American Civil Liberties Union of Michigan won a religious liberty lawsuit Wednesday on behalf of a ninth-grader who refused to obey a school’s dress code that required boys to maintain “closely cropped” hairstyles.

Judge Kathleen Macdonald at the Wayne County Circuit Court ruled on Wednesday that Claudius Benson cannot be expelled and will return to the public charter school, Old Redford Academy in Detroit.

Benson, 14, was enrolled in Old Redford Academy for three days when he was suspended on grounds that he was not in compliance with the hair provisions of the school’s dress code.

Benson’s mother said she strictly abides by various Old Testament provisions, including a passage in the book of Leviticus that forbids the cutting of hair: “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of your beard,” Leviticus 19:27

I saw this on a tee-shirt . . . really.

CHRISTIANITY:

The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Makes perfect sense.

who said the bible wasn't funny?

Ezekiel 23:20 says, "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." <------ Now that's some soul-savin' stuff right there!