# THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH THAT THING

"There's a problem with that thing."

"No there isn't."

"Yes there is. That thing is happening all the time. We could fix the problem. It would take a lot of work, but..."

"No. There isn't a problem. I do not see a problem."

"But what about X, Y, and Z? We need to fix this stuff. Something needs to change."

"Those are isolated incidents. They are not connected in any way. All circumstances and events exist in a vacuum."

"They are a trend. They are a symptom of a bigger issue."

"No they aren't. Can you give me a specific example?"

"A couple, but there are so many..."

"If you can't give me twenty specific examples, right now, off the top of your head, there isn't a problem. If you give me twenty examples, I'll ask for twenty-one examples."

"This Thing is a problem. It's complicated and involves..."

"I don't see it. It isn't affecting me, so it isn't a problem..."

"It's a problem."

"Do you have a specific solution, that you can describe completely, right now? Is it foolproof and perfect, as all plans are foolproof and perfect?"

"Well no..."

"See? Then there is no problem, and even if there was a problem, which there isn't, it can't be fixed because there is no perfect solution that is easy, and involves no sacrifice. No problem."

"But..."

"Nope. End of discussion. I have to go do things now. Also, booze now. I do not have time for this. Things are going well for me, so there is no problem. Booze now, and sports. Booze now?"

"Yes, booze I suppose."

~~~  LATER ~~~

"Can you believe that thing that happened on the news!? It is awful and terrible! This will briefly make me somewhat sad, for a few days, or hours!!"

"Yes. I can believe it. I don't see why you are surprised. It is part of the thing we were talking about the other day, these things are connected."

"No. There is no problem. That is not a real problem. We don't need to fix it, it isn't a problem."

"You don't see how that led to this?"

"No. It is another isolated incident. I have to go do things now that are important to me. Work stuff now. Booze later, and also, sports."

2013 in Review

This year that thing happened and we were all like, NO WAY! And some people were naked too much, and others were wearing suits and they spoke into microphones. Then some political stuff happened, and we were like, NO WAY! ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE! But then something new happened, probably on television or in the news.

Some good TV series ended or began, and some people were like, THIS IS SO AWESOME, and others were like, "Meh."

There were some award shows, where men wore tuxedoes and women showed off their boobies, and everyone was like, "She looked this way or that!"

Then some science stuff happened, and robots. Just last year, we were all thinking, I can't believe 2012 is already over with, there was so much bullshit. What bullshit is going to happen next? And bullshit DID happen. This year we are all thinking, I can't believe 2013 is over with, there was so much bullshit, What bullshit is going to happen next?

Sports and award shows, and weather happened. There were some emergencies. Some people got all shot up and we were all sad for a few days, but then sports happened.

And economy. Gas prices were one price, and then another. There were jobs and stuff, or no jobs, and men in ties stood at microphones and said some stuff.

So anyway. Freedom 2014.

DOG WALKING TIPS:

When walking your dog, put two Snickers bars (wrapped) in a white plastic grocery bag. It looks like you picked up dog poop, but really, they're just two snickers bars. Then if your dog poops, PRETEND to pick up the poop. It will look like you are a responsible dog owner, when really, you are inconsiderate and lazy. After the walk, enjoy a Snickers bar!

#85 THE PISSED OFF WITH GUNS SONG

Pissed off white guys with guns,
Pissed off white guys with guns,
Pissed off white guys with guns,
Oh yeah, Oh yeah.

Pissed off Muslims with guns,
Pissed off Muslims with guns,
Pissed off Muslims with guns,
Oh yeah, Oh yeah.

Pissed off soldiers with guns,
Pissed off soldiers with guns,
Pissed off soldiers with guns,
Oh yeah Oh yeah.

Pissed off police with guns,
Pissed off police with guns,
Pissed off police with guns,
Oh yeah, Oh yeah.

Pissed off humans with guns,
Pissed off humans with guns,
Pissed off humans with guns,
Oh yeah, Oh yeah.

{repeat, ad infinitum}

#81 WITH THE ANGRY SUN

Humans love their frozen treats,
As they drive along
On the sizzling streets.
Packed at the light,
Their engines run,
And they wonder what's up
With the Angry Sun.

Carlin!

No, you can't have your day in court. Now shut the f**k up and pay your parking ticket.

~ ~ ~

Cities Eliminate Right to Contest Parking Tickets
Boston, Massachusetts and Washington, DC effectively eliminate the right to contest parking tickets.

In an attempt to stem the loss of revenue from motorists contesting parking tickets, cities are effectively eliminating the traditional due process rights of motorists to defend themselves at an impartial hearing. By the end of next year, Washington, DC's Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) will not allow anyone who believes he unfairly received a citation to have his day in an administrative hearing.

"DMV will complete the phase-out of in-person adjudication of parking tickets in favor of mail-in and e-mail adjudication by December 2008," the Fiscal Year 2008 DMV plan states.

The move is intended to allow automated street sweeper parking ticket machines to boost the number of infractions cited well beyond the 1.6 million currently handed out by meter maids. As one-third of those who contest citations in the city are successful, the hearings cut significantly into the $100 million in revenue tickets generate each year.

Under the DMV's plan, motorists will only be able to object to a ticket by email or letter where city employees can ignore or reject letters in bulk without affected motorists having any realistic recourse. That's not good enough for residents like Emily Miller, who told us that being able to present her case in person was essential. The Sunday school teacher was found not guilty at an administrative DMV hearing in June of driving with an open container of coffee. She was so thrilled with her victory that she decided to fight a parking ticket issued to her in a location where the parking signs were contradictory.

Motorists in many cities besides DC complain about unfair citations. So far, Baltimore, Maryland's Inspector General has uncovered 10,000 bogus parking tickets issued to innocent motorists. In Boston and other cities in Massachusetts, motorists cannot challenge a $100 parking ticket in court without first paying a $275 court fee. If found innocent, the motorist does not receive a refund of the $275.

found here

Source: FY08 Performance Plan (Washington DC Department of Motor Vehicles, 11/9/2007)

We Were Civilians

~ ~ ~

We were civilians.

The war didn't rage really; there was just a steady flow of dead and dismembered soldiers whose names were on the Internet and on the news programs. The soldiers were black, Hispanic, white and Asian. Some of us paid attention and some of us didn't and some of us were devastated. If you didn't know any of the unlucky ones, then they were only statistics.

These statistics were given on the network news between the school shooting and the celebrity scandal stories. The numbers were tallied with somber patriotic video graphics. Maybe it was an American flag waving slowly, or maybe a combat boot-rifle-helmet combo. These graphics looked great on our high-def wide screen televisions. "What a shame," we said, shaking our heads. When the story about the latest breakthrough in the treatment of osteoporosis came on, we changed the channel to VH1 or ESPN and forgot all about the war.

We were civilians.

Some of us didn't think about the war at all.

With no draft, it was a voluntary thing to go to Iraq and get blown up. It was okay that those brave men and women were getting mangled because they were volunteers; no one was forcing them to enlist and reenlist.

If you could get a job and make decent money, there was no reason to go. If you came from a wealthy family, it didn't make any sense to go. And with the advent of yellow-ribbon car magnets, we had a convenient way to ease our conscience and support the troops at the same time.

That was our attitude anyway, and we went on with our lives as if nothing was wrong. Those were fascinating times, and we couldn't fit it into our busy schedules to enlist. We played newer and better video games, we surfed more rich and interactive websites on ever shinier and faster computers. If we didn't like the war, we could always say so on our blogs. We carried fancier, more feature-rich phones. We drove more technologically advanced cars, and while those cars were all built overseas, we didn't care because they had Ipod docks to give us music, GPS to give us direction, and DVD players to give us a break from the kids. Some of those vehicles got decent gas mileage, but most of them did not.

We were civilians.

Some of us drove massive pickup trucks and SUVs with shiny grills, and those things take gas. What a sense of awesome power these behemoths bestowed upon us as we moved between desk and cubicle and home and hearth. These machines carried us back and forth to work so we could pay our crazy mortgages.

We were civilians.

We didn't have time to go fight a war. Reality shows were coming up with more interesting twists. Starlets and singers were in and out of rehab. These were interesting times.

There were new drugs to keep us thin and happy. They put us to sleep at night. They calmed our restless legs and gave us everlasting erections. We had a pill for everything, so we were happy.

We were civilians.

Were other people making sacrifices? Sure, but we were willing to pay that price. Now we had a military base over the precious, sweet, life-giving Middle East oil.

With no draft, the rest of us could take it easy. There were sporting events to watch and alcohol to drink. We were civilians, and we did what our President asked us to do.

We went shopping.

the letter I sent to my congressman

This is what I wrote to my Congressman:

May 9, 2007

Congressman Vernon J. Ehlers
1714 Longworth House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515-2203

Subject: Habeas Corpus

The Military Commissions Act cancelled habeas corpus. (I know that’s an oversimplification, but I’m a simple taxpayer.)

Could you please talk to Congressman Jerrold Nadler and find out what he’s doing to restore habeas corpus and help him do it? It will make you look like one of the good guys.

Can’t the USA go through one crisis without shredding the Constitution? Please don’t sit back and let our rights be chipped away every time we’re faced with a difficult patch.

How about sending a real letter back instead of a form letter? This is kind of important.


Sincerely,

. . . .

Hey kids: Don't know who your congressman is? Simply Google this: "congressman for 12345" where 12345 is your zip code. Then find out what the f*ck is going on and write a letter. You'll get a form letter back, because YOU aren't a big-time lobbyist for an big corporate interest.