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Cheese Bus

...What biblical scholars are wrestling with is how to inform the public and theological leaders that interpretations of ancient scripture must be re-examined after a mistake in translation, dating back to antiquity, has revealed that what has always been taken for the Lord's name, "Jesus," is really a mistaken translation for the two words, "Cheese Bus."

"It isn't figurative," Professor ______ of the _______ institute said on Friday. "An actual bus made of cheese, according to these new, more accurate translations, will ferry souls to the afterlife."

The type of cheese is unknown at this time. "We're working on newly discovered texts, but it may take several months to decipher."

In the meantime, the official announcement is proving difficult to make.

"People will not be happy about this," the professor said. "Believers around the world have been praying to a anthropomorphic deity, when really, it seems as if it is some sort of school bus made of cheese. There's no mention of a driver. I guess it drives itself."

When someone overshares:

"This has been fascinating. You know, a journal is a great, great place for private thoughts."

Stolen from the "Lady Dynamite" series (Netflix)

the price is too high

They say that if you listen to the song "Stayin' Alive" ten times in a row, the ghost of Maurice Gibb will materialize in your kitchen and make you a sandwich. But the price is too high.

My Commute was So Awesome, You Guys.

Yesterday when I was politely sharing the road with my fellow motorists, a miracle happened.
It had been raining all. damn. day.

But then the sun came out! The radio station played the following songs: "My Sharona," "Down Under," "Dancing Queen,*" and "I'm Alright."

And I thought, while sitting at a light with my polite, reasonable, undistracted fellow motorists, "God damn, this is Freedom. America is so awesome right now."
______________________________________________________

*The song "Dancing Queen" is a compositional masterpiece. It starts with the chorus, a hook that in itself has two parts, then goes to the verses. Other songs do that, even "I'm Alright," by musician and Jesus impersonator Kenny Loggins, but “I’m Alright” is no “Dancing Queen.” so anyway, Freedom, or whatever.

This is my travel coffee mug. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

This is my travel coffee mug. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My travel coffee mug is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

Without me, my travel coffee mug is useless. Without my travel coffee mug, I am useless. I must fill my travel coffee mug true.

My travel coffee mug and I know that what counts at work is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My travel coffee mug is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my travel coffee mug full and ready, even as I am ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before God, I swear this creed. My travel coffee mug and I are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace!

2015 In Review

This year that thing happened and we were all like, NO WAY! And some people were naked too much, and others were wearing suits and they spoke into microphones. Then some political stuff happened, and we were like, NO WAY! ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE! But then something new happened, probably on television or in the news.

Some good TV series ended or began, and some people were like, THIS IS SO AWESOME, and others were like, "Meh."

There were some award shows, where men wore tuxedos and women showed off their boobies, and everyone was like, "She looked this way or that!"

Then some science stuff happened, and robots. Just last year, we were all thinking, I can't believe 2014 is already over with, there was so much bullshit. What bullshit is going to happen next? And bullshit DID happen. This year we are all thinking, I can't believe 2015 is over with, there was so much bullshit, What bullshit is going to happen next?

Sports and award shows, and weather happened. There were some emergencies. Some people got all shot up and we were all sad for a few days, but then sports happened.

And economy. Gas prices were one price, and then another. There were jobs and stuff, or no jobs, and men in ties stood at microphones and said some stuff.

So anyway. Freedom 2016.

#67 HALF ASLEEP NONSENSE JOTTED DOWN

If I can find
Five things
That have never been—
I'll see them, then I'll know.

The customary
Things
That never were.

Down to the left
And down two rows
Is the place where the thing
With two noses goes.

Paul

FOUR CONTEXT- FREE POSSIBILITIES:

This clever-adjacent list has no meaning without context, but it occurred to me, so I'm provisionally adding it to the Internets. Perhaps you can provide some context for yourself:

1. You hate it and know you hate it.
2. You hate it but think you enjoy it.
3. You enjoy it but think you hate it.
4. You enjoy it and know you enjoy it.

#66 SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!

SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!

The Limits of Science

Science has taught us many things: There's water on mars, the human genome is really big, time and space are all bendy, and a golf ball hit on the surface of the moon will go really far.

But what has science told us about the sandwich? I have two specific questions:

1. Why does a sandwich taste better when someone else makes it?
2. Why does a sandwich taste better when cut in half diagonally?

Get on it, science!

Tonight, on DUMBSHOW . . .

"Tonight on a very special episode of DUMBSHOW, we explore the hidden relationship between cable repair trucks and orange cones. What is the hidden meaning of their symbiotic existence?"

OPINION TIME

What is your opinion about OPINION TIME?

Here is where we will have a frank and open discussion about our opinions about OPINION TIME.

If someone disagrees with you about OPINION TIME, make sure to let them know; tell them your opinion about them disagreeing with your opinion about OPINION TIME. This is constructive.

Do not change your opinion about OPINION TIME under any circumstances, but be certain that with a reasonable argument, you can change another person's opinion about OPINION TIME.

Remember, if someone disagrees with your opinion about OPINION TIME, they are wrong, and their disagreement with your opinion about OPINION TIME is a personal attack. It is best to respond in kind with a personal attack. Insult their character, heredity, or intelligence. This is a sound persuasive tactic that always works, and brings those of differing opinions around to your way of thinking.

OPINION TIME. What is your opinion?

RECEIPT DESIRED?

Today I stopped at a gas station I don't normally frequent because road construction. I filled the tank, replaced the nozzle, replaced the gas cap, and the fuel pump screen said:

RECEIPT DESIRED?

Desired? That's a strong word. It's creepy. It is amazing they were able to cram bad, passive writing into that tiny space. Just give me the receipt. It isn't like:

"Oh Gas Receipt, ever since I first saw you, I had to have you. You are so beautiful Gas Receipt. Run away with me, I must make love to you."

No. It isn't like that at all.

"Da-yum Gas Receipt, you're tight. I would very much like to hit that."

No. I think PRINT RECEIPT? would be the appropriate message.

SMART ANSWERS TO DUMB QUESTIONS

Q: "What's your favorite color?"
A: "Depends on the object."

I FORGOT MY SUNGLASSES

Man it's bright. Jesus, this sun is killing me. Oh man, I forgot my sunglasses. Why? I surf like, every day, and here I am without my friggin' sunglasses. Oh well, can't go back now. Ashley's in there doing that thing in the bathroom. I gotta tell her it's over. How am I gonna do that? Jesus, this sun is like, melting the side of that building. What the hell is going on up there? A crap, a text. Already with the texts. I left the apartment five minutes ago. She can't even spell it out? Three exclamation marks? I'm suffocated. Suffocated. I better text back. If I don't text back, she's gonna send another one. Christ. Terran was right. She's bad news. God, the way she screamed at Luke last night. One drink makes her insane. And that thing in the bathroom. That noise. Crap, another text. What does that even mean? Is she just putting random emojis in texts now? The sun is so friggin' bright. I got to stop drinking. I have to stop drinking, and I have to break up with Ashley right now. I'll text her. God, need some shade, can't see this friggin' phone. Okay, lemme see. crap, caps lock. Lemme try again. God, no. I can't break up with her by text. What's that lady looking at? "I'm just sending a text." Suspicious old woman. Look at that dog. I bet she doesn't pick up the poop when it goes. Probably just buries it in the sand. Jesus, this friggin sun. I wish I had my sunglasses. 

# DOG SKELETONS

And then people started seeing dog skeletons walking around at night. First there were reports of single skeletons, and then packs of ghastly animated skeletal dogs. No one believed the reports at first, but then the sightings were reported nationwide. Each skeleton walking in its own unique way, a permanent toothy snarl on each skull, heads down, as if the habit of sniffing persisted in ghoulish phantasms with no possible olfactory sense. The empty eye sockets were wide and expressionless.

Occasionally a dog collar was spotted, dangling off a short span of spinal chord between the skull and shoulders.

At first people were alarmed, claiming it was a portent of the "end times," but biblical scholars had to admit that packs of dog skeletons fit into no known prophetic writings, old testament or new.  Others conjectured that it was pollution, or radiation, but scientists had to admit they to could find no explanation.

As they passed through the streets at night, the dry, fleshless paws sounded like dry leaves skittering across the pavement, wind or no wind.

Motorists would see them crossing the street. Some would stop and watch the horrifying parade of dog skeletons cross the headlight beams, while others would hit the gas, scattering the bones everywhere, the satisfying crunch of bones sometimes costing them a chipped windshield if a particularly large skull impacted the glass. Later no bones would be found, as the skeletons, animated by some unknown supernatural force, would recombine and continue on toward whatever mysterious destination draws packs of dog skeletons.

CELESTIAL EMPORIUM OF BENEVOLENT KNOWLEDGE

Supposedly taken from an ancient Chinese encyclopædia entitled Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge.

The list divides all animals into one of 14 categories:

1. Those that belong to the emperor
2. Embalmed ones
3. Those that are trained
4. Suckling pigs
5. Mermaids (or Sirens)
6. Fabulous ones
7. Stray dogs
8. Those that are included in this classification
9. Those that tremble as if they were mad
10. Innumerable ones
11. Those drawn with a very fine camel hair brush
12. Et cetera
13. Those that have just broken the flower vase
14. Those that, at a distance, resemble flies

source: wikipedia