Sunday, December 28, 2014

2014 In Review

This year that thing happened and we were all like, NO WAY! And some people were naked too much, and others were wearing suits and they spoke into microphones. Then some political stuff happened, and we were like, NO WAY! ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE! But then something new happened, probably on television or in the news.

Some good TV series ended or began, and some people were like, THIS IS SO AWESOME, and others were like, "Meh."

There were some award shows, where men wore tuxedoes and women showed off their boobies, and everyone was like, "She looked this way or that!"

Then some science stuff happened, and robots. Just last year, we were all thinking, I can't believe 2013 is already over with, there was so much bullshit. What bullshit is going to happen next? And bullshit DID happen. This year we are all thinking, I can't believe 2014 is over with, there was so much bullshit, What bullshit is going to happen next?

Sports and award shows, and weather happened. There were some emergencies. Some people got all shot up and we were all sad for a few days, but then sports happened.

And economy. Gas prices were one price, and then another. There were jobs and stuff, or no jobs, and men in ties stood at microphones and said some stuff.

So anyway. Freedom 2015.

Monday, December 22, 2014


In CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, in the scene where they're setting up the giant Lite-Brite keyboard to contact the aliens, and everyone very busy getting all the gear ready, if the keyboard guy would have plunked out a couple of lines from David Bowie's SPACE ODDITY, the part that goes, "This is ground control to Major Tom..." and all the workers kind of looked up from their work for a second, realized what they had heard, and had a little chuckle, that would have been so awesome, you guys

Friday, December 05, 2014

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Scraping Ice, Thinking Chess

Scraping ice from the driveway, thinking about chess.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014


Every snowflake is unique and special.
Every driveway is unique and special.
Every snow shovel is unique and special.
Every shovel full of snow is unique and special.

The Mobius Driveway is a driveway in which no matter what end you start shoveling, you never reach the end, because by the time one end is shoveled, the other end is full of snow.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Friday, October 24, 2014

Lazy Americans for Equal Representation

Another dumb election season, another barrage of advertisements touting how this or that candidate hurt or helped "hard working families." Always with the "hard working families." What about the rest of us? What about the families that are just doing the bare minimum? The "slacker families?" Who's looking out for us?

Why are their no ads pandering to "lazy families," the "shiftless, borderline narcoleptic families?" Who is representing the "lackadaisical families?"
What candidate is looking out for the "lethargic families?"

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Friday, October 10, 2014

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

You Aren't Going to Get Ebola

You aren't going to get Ebola. Terrorists aren't going to cut off your head. You won't be shot by a random gunman at the mall/theater/church/school. What annoys you is a symptom of a bigger problem. 9/11 wasn't an inside job. That new gadget won't fix it. (There's nothing to fix.) The government isn't going to take your guns. Gun owners aren't taking over the world. Your party won't fix anything. The government isn't watching you; you aren't that interesting. Cops can't help it. Criminals can't help it. You (probably) won't end up homeless, but if you do, you'll figure something out. Stop watching the news. You aren't crazy. You're doing the best you can. God isn't threatened by science. Be kinder than you have to be. Creationists won't destroy science. Legalized gay marriage won't turn you gay. Yes, stupidity is everywhere, but not everyone is stupid on the same frequency. Things aren't unraveling, they're changing, just like always. The slope isn't that slippery. Stop taking selfies. People are not getting dumber. Most Christians don't care if you're gay. Most atheists don't care if you're Christian. Christmas isn't under attack. Your ________ is less interesting than you think. Booze isn't going to fix it. Stop trying to fix it. Rich people can't help it. Poor people can't help it. You don't need a new _____ unless the one you have is broken. You don't need a new _____. Nativity scenes do not lead to theocracy. The world economy will keep tottering along. You annoy somebody. You look fine. Your clothes are fine. Your car is fine. Your booze is fine. Your phone is fine. It's good enough. You don't need pills from the TV. The Internet isn't harming your kids. Everything is going to work itself out. Relax.

Saturday, October 04, 2014


Be-cause the great-est
Toast of all,
Is easy to achieeeeeeeeeve,
Learn how to maaaake French toast,
It's the greatest, toaaast of all.

Crack two eggs into some milk,
And mix it up with any utensil,
Add some bread, a frying pan,
You can't take away my dignity!

Be-cause the great-est
Toast of all,
Is easy to achieeeeeeeeeve,
Learn how to maaaake French toast,
It's the greatest, toaaast of all.

Friday, October 03, 2014


Click to learn more.
Click to learn more, you guys.
Call or click to learn more.
Learn more at our website.
Learn more, you guys.
Call or click today to learn more.
Learn more.
Learn more.
Learn more about the thing we're trying to sell you.
Call or click to learn more.
Learn more.
You don't know enough. Learn more.
Learn more, stupid. Call or click to learn more.
Learn more.
Learn consumer, learn.
You will learn.
We'll teach you.
Learn more.
Click to learn more.
You can't avoid it. Learn more.
Learn more.

Thursday, October 02, 2014

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Still Carving a Chess Set

Pawn embryos:

Pawns. New design: left, Old design: right

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Reading Ayn Rand To My Dog

I've been reading Ayn Rand's /Introduction to Objectivist Epistemology/ (which I got for a buck at the Salvation Army) to my dog, Ginger. She won't pay attention, and I don't think any of it is sinking in. {please note: I am not a Rand Kool-Aid drinker, I'm just curious to see what affect this information will have on my dog. Will she abandon her dog-like tendencies and follow a path of ruthless Machiavellian selfish motivation?}

How Venn Diagrams are Born

"Sometimes, when two circles love each other very much, they share a special hug..."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

#47 The Greatest Nap of All

I believe that napping's in my future,
Close the door and nap the day away
Show them all the snoozes I possess inside
Because I'm tired, I'm getting sleepier
Let the voicemail take my calls, because I'm sleeping
All day long.

I decided long ago, to take a nap, my head on a pillow
If I fail, if I succeed,
At least I'll get the sleep I need!
No matter what I'm sposta do,
It has to wait 'til after Three!

Because the great-est, nap of all,
Is happening to me.
Learning to nap all day
Is the greatest nap of all.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Still carving a chess set out of firewood

"Can you change the temp to 78 and did phil colins die?"

Think how it must be for me, with the horrifying 1986 hit, "Invisible Touch" stuck in my head. It has reached in, and grabbed "right hold" of my mind. It crawls under my skin. It is taking control of me, and slowly tearing me apart. I know other people are dealing with real issues right now, and this seems like a minor thing, but I can't escape it. It echoes through my mind. It casts a cheesy pallor on everything I do and everything I see. It is there; it will not go away. I've looked at the lyrics. This song is f**king terrible. But I can't get that scrap of tune out of my head. This piece of shit was the first #1 single in the US for the band Genesis.

Why? Why you ask? Because I received this ACTUAL text this morning: "Can you change the temp to 78 and did phil colins die?"

I changed the thermostat and I checked the news for "Phil Collins."

I responded, "I changed the temperature, and I find no evidence that Phil Collins is dead. He seems very much alive."

But then, a few minutes later, it started:  "duh duh duh an invisible touch yeah, duh duh duh duh... slowly tears you apart...."

And it's still there. I wouldn't want to pass this on to anyone. I wouldn't want anyone to read this and go, "Oh shit, now it has infected me!"

I don't want that on my conscience. I don't want you walking around all day, "duh duh duh an invisible touch yeah, duh duh duh duh... slowly tears you apart...."

Saturday, August 30, 2014

We Could Put An Unnecessary Blinking Light On It

So the power company put new meters on all the houses in our neighborhood for some reason. Fine, whatever. But this evening, walking around the block, it turns out there's a blinking red light on the side of everybody's house now, because you can't just put in a new meter, you have to put a blinking red light on it, because _________ wtf, I don't know. You've got to put a blinking light on everything, for some reason. God forbid you put up a power meter without a blinking red light. It's a red light, and it blinks. On every house.

 "Bob, I like the design on the new meters, but is there any way we could make them obnoxious, somehow?"

"Well, we could put an unnecessary blinking light on it, you know, to tell the customer, 'hey, don't forget, we're the Power Company. We can make your house blink.'"

 "I like it. It makes it more complicated, for no reason. And obnoxious. Make it red. And make sure it blinks."

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Saturday, August 02, 2014


A week or so ago, I introduced two words that should not be put together:


Now, I've come up with two more words that don't go together:


Thursday, July 24, 2014


Sometimes, the theme song from the hit television show, "Three's Company" spontaneously gets stuck in your head. Other times, it gets stuck in someone else's head, but they post on the Internet how the theme from "Three's Company" is stuck in their head, and then it is stuck in yours, and you're like, "dammit."

"Come and knock on our door
(Come and knock on our door)
We've been waiting for you
(We've been waiting for you)
Somethin' somethin' somethin' his
Three's company, too!"

So anyway. There is is.

Monday, July 21, 2014


Biblical scholars cannot tell us which dipping sauces Jesus would prefer, if given a choice of today's dipping sauces. He might choose "mild," for the meek shall inherit the earth, but maybe not. He might choose "honey-mustard," although this too is pure speculation.

The question over which dipping sauce Jesus would choose has plagued theologians for decades, and in 1972 almost caused a schism in Catholic Church, similar to the East-West schism of 1053. In 1972 Pope Paul VI declared that the preferred dipping sauce of Jesus Christ was "ranch," and that all teachings to the contrary was heresy.

Makarios III, Archbishop of Cyprus during that period, declared that no, in fact, Jesus preferred "honey-mustard" dipping sauce.

The question remains. What dipping sauce would Jesus prefer, if given a choice? Some of us believe that Jesus is open to all types of dipping sauces, not preferring one over the other.

What's your opinion? Which dipping sauce do you think Jesus would prefer, when having wings or maybe chicken strips?

Tuesday, July 08, 2014


You live in a house,
You pay a bill,
You go to work,
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, there's stuff there on that screen

You drive your car
You buy some gas
You go back home
And then you look at the Internet

Type in some words and spell check what you wrote

You have a snack,
You take a poop,
You wash your hands,
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, there's stuff there on that screen

You take a nap
You wake back up
You watch tv
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, a cat or something else

You fry an egg
And drink your juice,
You drive to work
And then you look at the Internet

Oh my god, the wireless is down

You get real drunk
And you fall down,
You text your ex
And then you look at the Internet

Pictures of you, with something on your shirt

You take a trip
And snap some pics
You upload some
And then you look at the Internet

Clickety click, ya scroll some and you click

Monday, July 07, 2014

Tinea Versicolor

If you found this by searching tinea versicolor, then I assume you have it. It isn't fun having spots, and I had it for a long, long time,(I'm 47, and I've had it since childhood).

I figured out how to get rid of it. It is completely unscientific, but it has worked for me, so here it goes:

You will need three things:

  1. the cruelest, hardest bristle brush you can find.
  2. a bottle of dandruff shampoo
  3. a bathtub.

Find the hardest bristle brush you can stand, then find one with even stiffer bristles. Take a nice relaxing bath. Put the dandruff shampoo in the water. Make bubbles. Soak.

When your skin is nice and loosened up, scrub every inch as hard as you can stand. Get every bit of dead skin off. Rub your arms, your neck, your ribs, your back and anywhere else (not your private parts, that's crazy). Rub the bubbles from the dandruff shampoo in really hard. Then scrub some more. Make sure it hurts.

Do this once a week for two or three weeks.

This isn't a permanent cure, but it has worked for me. My skin, for the first time in forever, is clear. It's the only thing that has worked. Can't guarantee it will work for you, but what the heck: spots.

Good luck.

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

{The following includes extensive use of ellipsis.}

Sometimes, on television, or on the radio, actors will pause . . . as if they are thinking up their lines off the top of the head, impromptu, when talking about the careful consideration they took when choosing their bank, their insurance, or their laxatives. On television, they will look to the side . . . they will pause . . . as if trying to find the right word to say. These actors are trying to appear thoughtful, wise . . . reflective.

These lines are carefully crafted by writers who know what buttons to push, and what keywords to include . . . or exclude. But the actors will pause . . . as if thinking . . . usually ending with something like, "and that's important to me," or "shouldn't my bank/insurance/laxative do this or that?"

Sunday, June 22, 2014


The ice-cream truck came by today, and I wondered, "Why is the music so loud?" The answer came to me immediately: kids don't play outside so much anymore. The music has to penetrate the walls of houses. The dens and bedrooms.  The music has to be loud enough to reach the iPad users, the video game players, the Minecrafters and the World of Warcrafters. The Facebookers and the ear-budders. The Neflixers and the Spotifiers. And the bloggers.

So. The obnoxiously loud "Popeye" music.

Good luck ice-cream truck guy, good luck.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014


If they made a movie about how Tom Hanks battles his addiction to "Hot Pockets," it isn't going to end with him crying into a plate of Hot Pockets, watching re-runs of "Facts of Life" in a poorly lit apartment, alone, estranged from his girlfriend, played by SofĂ­a Vergara, just shoveling "Hot Pockets" into his face, crying because he can't stop. He's addicted, and he gave up.

No. It wouldn't end like that. There would be a scene where his personal trainer (played by George Cloony ) says, "Tom, I've looked at this from ten different directions, and there's just no way you can eat on your budget without including Hot Pockets in your diet. It's just impossible.

And that's when Sofia Vergara walks out on him. And for a while, he eats "Hot Pockets", as his friends distance themselves from an ever-expanding Tom Hanks. "I don't know you anymore," his friend, played by Jonah Hill, says.

Finally, when all seems hopeless, he's standing in front of the Hot Pockets shelves at the grocery store, while "O Fortuna" plays in the background. A tight shot of the different brands, and Tom's bloated face, licking his lips, trying to decide, hating himself, when suddenly an obese woman in horrifying yoga pants elbows past him, shoveling entire shelves of Hot Pockets into her cart, breathing heavily. She looks like she's on death's door, and Tom decides then and there to change his ways.

He rolls his cart to the produce section.

Cut to six months later. A much slimmer Tom Hanks finishes his first half-marathon. He has a long way to go, but he won't give up. He'll get his life back together. And who is waiting at the finish line? Sofia Vergara, and their newborn child, a child Tom Hanks didn't even know about.


card, card credit card,
borrowing money isn't hard.
you need to buy a lot of stuff,
cause you're convinced it's not enough.

look, our truck,
it's so damn tough
look, our truck,
won some awards,
don't be a pussy,
are you a man?
buy our truck.
you need our truck.
our manly truck.

let us loan you money.
let us loan you cash.
usury is funny,
let us loan you cash

our insurance is better,
buying insurance is fun.
with lizards and weird ladies,
buying insurance is fun.
it isn't a big scam,
buying insurance is fun.


your skin is shit.
you're getting old,
your skin is saggy
you look like shit,
your skin's not tight.
we'll make it right,
just buy this cream,
and live the dream
of youthful skin
be young again!
this magic oil
will remove boils.
you're getting old.
{you're so damn old!}

beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.

our bank is more personal.
we want to make you rich.
just let us hold your money.
how will you retire?
we really love you, really.
give us your money.

tonight, a cop show,
cop show cop, a cop show
cop show cop show cop.
tonight a very special guest,
a talent show, and all the rest.

this gadget is new
this gadget is sleek,
this gadget is better
than one from last week
and if you don't buy it
you're going to die
of embarrassment,
buy it, or get left behind.

cook this for your family,
they'll love you, they will
they'll smile and be happy,
just trust us, cook this swill.

lawyer lawyer lawyer law.
law lawyer lawyer lawyer law

burger, burger, taco, steak
pizza, burger, chocolate shake
chocolate ice-cream, masticate
this crap and then regurgitate.

are you real fat?
imagine that.
we can fix that
we're standing by
to take your calls,
to make you thin
and masculine,
or feminine

happy pills
happy pills
are you sad? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills
still unhappy? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

chess game I played against my phone.


Just want to show you how I beat down my phone in a chess game:
That is all.

Sunday, June 08, 2014


Snacking time has come,
All the snacks are gone,
Children don't fear the Keebler,
Although he's small and he's kinda weird,
{He can fill the cookie jar}

Make some cookies...
Don't fear the Keebler,
{He's just makin' some snacks}
Don't fear the Keebler,
{Makes his home in a tree}
Don't fear the Keebler
{wears a little red hat}

La, la la, la la
La, la la, la la

Thursday, June 05, 2014


It seems like every day, we see more people doing and saying stupider things. Why does it seem like the world's population is getting stupider? I have four general theories, all completely impossible to prove, and probably stupid in themselves:

1. People are just getting stupider. Through the decline in education, our increased reliance on Frankenfood, and, among other things, the popularity of stupid things on television, it is possible that an increasing percentage of the population is becoming stupid, slack-jawed non-book-reading lazy slobs, lumbering around, doing and saying stupid shit.  People are simply getting stupider and stupider.

2. People aren't getting stupider, but there are more cameras to catch more stupid things happening. With so many television channels, more people must bloviate more often about stupider subjects. There is also the cheap way to make television: stupidity as entertainment. Find a group of idiots, put them on television, and viola! a hit television show.

With cameras in phones, on dashboards, buildings and traffic poles, more stupid things are caught on camera, and with the Internet, those stupid things caught on camera are disseminated to more people, thus making it seem like humans are getting stupider.

3. The percentage of stupid people is not increasing, but there are simply more people, and while the percentage of stupid people isn't going up, the sum total of stupid people walking around doing stupid shit is rising. And since the chance of hearing about stupid shit is increased by increased surveillance, (see point 2. above) it SEEMS like people are getting exponentially stupider.

4. People are just getting stupider.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

#49 Twice So Doubly Apt to Say

My everything is anything,
Twice so doubly apt to say.
When reason-thinking's sillified,
By half-thought silence by the way.

A half-glimpsed secret nullified
By twice distracted green-light goes
When dust-mote sunbeam silent house
A weekday slow solidified.

My everything is anything,
Twice so doubly apt to say.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


Fill your mind with yesterdays,
And you're gonna miss today.
Fill it with tomorrows,
And you're gonna miss today.

Today's the only day that counts,
Like it did yesterday.
Today's the only day that counts,
Just like it will tomorrow.

Empty out that bucket head,
That's filled with so much stuff,
That's piled up since you were a kid,
Isn't it full enough?

Empty out that bucket head,
Fill it with today.
Empty it of yesterdays,
Empty of tomorrows,

Empty it of bank accounts
And nerve-wrack yester-sorrows,
Empty it of failing states and
Beg buy steal and borrows.

Empty it of Holy Ghosts
And patriotic slogans,
And left-right-red-blue stupid shit
And television dumb-shows.

Your entire lifespan,
However long it's been,
Has led up to this very day
Don't miss it yet again.

So empty out that head of yours
That's filled with so much shit,
Look around and take a breath
And realize: this is it.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014


And yea, though you find the allen wrench set, after looking in the Five Places, thou shalt not find the one of the proper size, for Lo! There are two missing. And again thou shalt search, and Yea! You shall, in that other toolbox with the stuff you don't use very often, thou shalt find yet another allen wrench set, different from the first, yet similar. But nay, thou shalt not find the one of the proper size, and there will be much gnashing of teeth.

Search in vain, thou shalt not find what you seek, and the Bristles from the Wire Brush will stab thine fingers, and the tiny drawers with various screws, nuts and bolts shalt confound you, you shall not find the allen wrench, the One True Allen Wrench, proper for the task, and thou shalt weep. Yea, you will find loose allen wrenches hither and yon, but not the One True Allen Wrench of Power.

But Lo! Those little allen-wrench tipped screwdriver thingies you got at the Dollar Store, in an age past shalt be discovered unlooked for, and the proper size shalt be revealed, and the little set screw to hold the wheel on the axle shalt be turned clockwise, as it was written.

Friday, May 09, 2014

Wrote a new book

Hey now. I wrote another book, Robot Stories (Ten Stories for Humans). It is available on, and you should get a copy.

You can find it here:

Saturday, April 05, 2014

#51 Get Out of the Way, Squirrel!

Get out of the way, squirrel!
You're standing on the yellow line!
Why are you doing that?
What's wrong with you?
There are no snacks there.
Go! Get out of the way!
No, not that way!
First left, then right: you are so indecisive.
Your brain is ridiculously small.
I don't want to run you over.
But I will not swerve. I will not vary my speed!
Oh, if I crush you with my car: The inner twinge!
The horrible noise.
The wince, the closed eyes (one open, for driving!)
So gross.
The glance in the mirror to see
If you are twitching.
Please don't force me to vehicular murder you!
Yes, yes! That way. Yes! To the grass!
You made it! Oh, thank God.
Stay out of the street, stupid squirrel.

Monday, February 24, 2014

#52 The half-sleep Fever Dream

The half-sleep
Fever Dream
of drowse-eyed
Winter Nap

Afternoon dust motes
Dance slowly
In a beam
Of cold Sunlight.

Friday, January 31, 2014

#53 Time To Time Some Dark Before

Time to time,
Some dark before,
I wish I could,
Remember more.

When that One Thing
That happened then,
Was time to time,
Some dark before.

I wish I could
Remember more.
Helped the neighbor
Off the floor.

Was time to time,
Some dark before,
The whispering
neck-ache distant road.

Helped the neighbor
Off the floor.
She sat there two days
Dark before.

The whispering
Neck-ache distant road.
The sound of highway
Dark before.

She sat there two days
Dark before.
She sat there two days
On the floor.

The sound of highway
Dark before.
Next night ambulance,
At her door.

She sat there two days
On the floor.
They took her somewhere

Next night ambulance,
At her door.
It was at night,
Took her away.

They took her somewhere
Time to time
Some dark before.

Monday, January 27, 2014


Some Christians are assholes.
Some Atheists are assholes.
Some Muslims are assholes.
Some Jews are assholes.
Some Christians are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some Atheists are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some Muslims are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some Jews are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some whites are assholes.
Some blacks are assholes.
Some Asians are assholes.
Some whites are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some blacks are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some Asians are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some homosexuals are idiots.
Some heterosexuals are idiots.
Some homosexuals are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some heterosexuals are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
The jerk at work has issues.
The cool guy at work has issues.
The President of the United States has issues.
The last President of the United States has issues.
America is flawed.
China is flawed.
Russia is flawed.
Those other countries are flawed.
This planet is flawed.
Capitalism is not perfect.
Socialism is not perfect.
Some liberals are idiots.
Some conservatives are idiots.
Some liberals are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some conservatives are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some rich people are assholes.
Some poor people are assholes.
Some rich people are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some poor people are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some young people are idiots.
Some old people are idiots.
Some young people are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some old people are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some fans of your sports team are idiots.
Some fans of their sports team are idiots.
Some preachers are idiots.
Some scientists are idiots.
Some people are horrible.
Some people are wonderful, but not always.

About Me

My photo
I am the author of 5 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, The Cubicles of Madness, Robot Stories, and most recently, Various Meats and Cheeses. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at