We Could Put An Unnecessary Blinking Light On It

So the power company put new meters on all the houses in our neighborhood for some reason. Fine, whatever. But this evening, walking around the block, it turns out there's a blinking red light on the side of everybody's house now, because you can't just put in a new meter, you have to put a blinking red light on it, because _________ wtf, I don't know. You've got to put a blinking light on everything, for some reason. God forbid you put up a power meter without a blinking red light. It's a red light, and it blinks. On every house.

 "Bob, I like the design on the new meters, but is there any way we could make them obnoxious, somehow?"

"Well, we could put an unnecessary blinking light on it, you know, to tell the customer, 'hey, don't forget, we're the Power Company. We can make your house blink.'"

 "I like it. It makes it more complicated, for no reason. And obnoxious. Make it red. And make sure it blinks."

Alan Hovhaness: The Rubaiyat (of Omar Khayyam) Op. 308

I'm carving a chess set out of firewood.

I have my work cut out for me.

This Land is Mine, by Nina Paley

This Land Is Mine from Nina Paley on Vimeo.

DISHWATER SHOTS

A week or so ago, I introduced two words that should not be put together:

LITTERBOX HARVEST

Now, I've come up with two more words that don't go together:

DISHWATER SHOTS

THE THEME SONG FROM THREE'S COMPANY (IS STUCK IN MY HEAD)

Sometimes, the theme song from the hit television show, "Three's Company" spontaneously gets stuck in your head. Other times, it gets stuck in someone else's head, but they post on the Internet how the theme from "Three's Company" is stuck in their head, and then it is stuck in yours, and you're like, "dammit."

"Come and knock on our door
(Come and knock on our door)
We've been waiting for you
(We've been waiting for you)
Somethin' somethin' somethin' his
Three's company, too!"

So anyway. There is is.

# WHICH DIPPING SAUCE WOULD JESUS PREFER?

Biblical scholars cannot tell us which dipping sauces Jesus would prefer, if given a choice of today's dipping sauces. He might choose "mild," for the meek shall inherit the earth, but maybe not. He might choose "honey-mustard," although this too is pure speculation.

The question over which dipping sauce Jesus would choose has plagued theologians for decades, and in 1972 almost caused a schism in Catholic Church, similar to the East-West schism of 1053. In 1972 Pope Paul VI declared that the preferred dipping sauce of Jesus Christ was "ranch," and that all teachings to the contrary was heresy.

Makarios III, Archbishop of Cyprus during that period, declared that no, in fact, Jesus preferred "honey-mustard" dipping sauce.

The question remains. What dipping sauce would Jesus prefer, if given a choice? Some of us believe that Jesus is open to all types of dipping sauces, not preferring one over the other.

What's your opinion? Which dipping sauce do you think Jesus would prefer, when having wings or maybe chicken strips?

#48 AND THEN YOU LOOK AT THE INTERNET

You live in a house,
You pay a bill,
You go to work,
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, there's stuff there on that screen

You drive your car
You buy some gas
You go back home
And then you look at the Internet

Type in some words and spell check what you wrote

You have a snack,
You take a poop,
You wash your hands,
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, there's stuff there on that screen

You take a nap
You wake back up
You watch tv
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, a cat or something else

You fry an egg
And drink your juice,
You drive to work
And then you look at the Internet

Oh my god, the wireless is down

You get real drunk
And you fall down,
You text your ex
And then you look at the Internet

Pictures of you, with something on your shirt

You take a trip
And snap some pics
You upload some
And then you look at the Internet

Clickety click, ya scroll some and you click

audio of me singing this awesomeness...

Tinea Versicolor

If you found this by searching tinea versicolor, then I assume you have it. It isn't fun having spots, and I had it for a long, long time,(I'm 47, and I've had it since childhood).

I figured out how to get rid of it. It is completely unscientific, but it has worked for me, so here it goes:

You will need three things:

1. the cruelest, hardest bristle brush you can find.
2. a bottle of dandruff shampoo
3. a bathtub.

Find the hardest bristle brush you can stand, then find one with even stiffer bristles. Take a nice relaxing bath. Put the dandruff shampoo in the water. Make bubbles. Soak.

When your skin is nice and loosened up, scrub every inch as hard as you can stand. Get every bit of dead skin off. Rub your arms, your neck, your ribs, your back and anywhere else (not your private parts, that's crazy). Rub the bubbles from the dandruff shampoo in really hard. Then scrub some more. Make sure it hurts.

Do this once a week for two or three weeks.

This isn't a permanent cure, but it has worked for me. My skin, for the first time in forever, is clear. It's the only thing that has worked. Can't guarantee it will work for you, but what the heck: spots.

Good luck.

Worst Name for a Breakfast Cereal

"Litterbox Harvest"

{The following includes extensive use of ellipsis.}

Sometimes, on television, or on the radio, actors will pause . . . as if they are thinking up their lines off the top of the head, impromptu, when talking about the careful consideration they took when choosing their bank, their insurance, or their laxatives. On television, they will look to the side . . . they will pause . . . as if trying to find the right word to say. These actors are trying to appear thoughtful, wise . . . reflective.

These lines are carefully crafted by writers who know what buttons to push, and what keywords to include . . . or exclude. But the actors will pause . . . as if thinking . . . usually ending with something like, "and that's important to me," or "shouldn't my bank/insurance/laxative do this or that?"

WHY IS THE ICE-CREAM TRUCK MUSIC SO LOUD?

The ice-cream truck came by today, and I wondered, "Why is the music so loud?" The answer came to me immediately: kids don't play outside so much anymore. The music has to penetrate the walls of houses. The dens and bedrooms.  The music has to be loud enough to reach the iPad users, the video game players, the Minecrafters and the World of Warcrafters. The Facebookers and the ear-budders. The Neflixers and the Spotifiers. And the bloggers.

So. The obnoxiously loud "Popeye" music.

Good luck ice-cream truck guy, good luck.

# KICKING THE HOT POCKETS HABIT

If they made a movie about how Tom Hanks battles his addiction to "Hot Pockets," it isn't going to end with him crying into a plate of Hot Pockets, watching re-runs of "Facts of Life" in a poorly lit apartment, alone, estranged from his girlfriend, played by Sofía Vergara, just shoveling "Hot Pockets" into his face, crying because he can't stop. He's addicted, and he gave up.

No. It wouldn't end like that. There would be a scene where his personal trainer (played by George Cloony ) says, "Tom, I've looked at this from ten different directions, and there's just no way you can eat on your budget without including Hot Pockets in your diet. It's just impossible.

And that's when Sofia Vergara walks out on him. And for a while, he eats "Hot Pockets", as his friends distance themselves from an ever-expanding Tom Hanks. "I don't know you anymore," his friend, played by Jonah Hill, says.

Finally, when all seems hopeless, he's standing in front of the Hot Pockets shelves at the grocery store, while "O Fortuna" plays in the background. A tight shot of the different brands, and Tom's bloated face, licking his lips, trying to decide, hating himself, when suddenly an obese woman in horrifying yoga pants elbows past him, shoveling entire shelves of Hot Pockets into her cart, breathing heavily. She looks like she's on death's door, and Tom decides then and there to change his ways.

He rolls his cart to the produce section.

Cut to six months later. A much slimmer Tom Hanks finishes his first half-marathon. He has a long way to go, but he won't give up. He'll get his life back together. And who is waiting at the finish line? Sofia Vergara, and their newborn child, a child Tom Hanks didn't even know about.

#88 AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

card, card credit card,
borrowing money isn't hard.
you need to buy a lot of stuff,
cause you're convinced it's not enough.

look, our truck,
it's so damn tough
look, our truck,
won some awards,
don't be a pussy,
are you a man?
buy our truck.
you need our truck.
our manly truck.

let us loan you money.
let us loan you cash.
usury is funny,
let us loan you cash

our insurance is better,
buying insurance is fun.
with lizards and weird ladies,
buying insurance is fun.
it isn't a big scam,
buying insurance is fun.

PENIS PILLS, PENIS PILLS,
PENIS PENIS PENIS PILLS!
PENIS PILLS, PENIS PILLS,
PENIS PENIS PILLS!

your skin is shit.
you're getting old,
your skin is saggy
you look like shit,
your skin's not tight.
we'll make it right,
just buy this cream,
and live the dream
of youthful skin
be young again!
this magic oil
will remove boils.
you're getting old.
{you're so damn old!}

beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.

our bank is more personal.
we want to make you rich.
just let us hold your money.
how will you retire?
we really love you, really.
give us your money.

tonight, a cop show,
cop show cop, a cop show
cop show cop show cop.
tonight a very special guest,
a talent show, and all the rest.

this gadget is new
this gadget is sleek,
this gadget is better
than one from last week
and if you don't buy it
you're going to die
of embarrassment,
buy it, or get left behind.

cook this for your family,
they'll love you, they will
they'll smile and be happy,
just trust us, cook this swill.

lawyer lawyer lawyer law.
law lawyer lawyer lawyer law

burger, burger, taco, steak
pizza, burger, chocolate shake
chocolate ice-cream, masticate
this crap and then regurgitate.

are you real fat?
imagine that.
we can fix that
we're standing by
to take your calls,
to make you thin
and masculine,
or feminine

happy pills
happy pills
are you sad? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills
still unhappy? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills.

chess game I played against my phone.

Hi,

Just want to show you how I beat down my phone in a chess game:
That is all.

#89 DON'T FEAR THE KEEBLER

Snacking time has come,

All the snacks are gone,

Children don't fear the Keebler,

Although he's small and he's kinda weird,

{He can fill the cookie jar}

Make some cookies...

Don't fear the Keebler,

{He's just makin' some snacks}

Don't fear the Keebler,

{Makes his home in a tree}

Don't fear the Keebler

{wears a little red hat}

La, la la, la la

La, la la, la la

# IS THE WORLD GETTING STUPIDER?

It seems like every day, we see more people doing and saying stupider things. Why does it seem like the world's population is getting stupider? I have four general theories, all completely impossible to prove, and probably stupid in themselves:

1. People are just getting stupider. Through the decline in education, our increased reliance on Frankenfood, and, among other things, the popularity of stupid things on television, it is possible that an increasing percentage of the population is becoming stupid, slack-jawed non-book-reading lazy slobs, lumbering around, doing and saying stupid shit.  People are simply getting stupider and stupider.

2. People aren't getting stupider, but there are more cameras to catch more stupid things happening. With so many television channels, more people must bloviate more often about stupider subjects. There is also the cheap way to make television: stupidity as entertainment. Find a group of idiots, put them on television, and viola! a hit television show.

With cameras in phones, on dashboards, buildings and traffic poles, more stupid things are caught on camera, and with the Internet, those stupid things caught on camera are disseminated to more people, thus making it seem like humans are getting stupider.

3. The percentage of stupid people is not increasing, but there are simply more people, and while the percentage of stupid people isn't going up, the sum total of stupid people walking around doing stupid shit is rising. And since the chance of hearing about stupid shit is increased by increased surveillance, (see point 2. above) it SEEMS like people are getting exponentially stupider.

4. People are just getting stupider.

#49 Twice So Doubly Apt to Say

My everything is anything,
Twice so doubly apt to say.
When reason-thinking's sillified,
By half-thought silence by the way.

A half-glimpsed secret nullified
By twice distracted green-light goes
When dust-mote sunbeam silent house
A weekday slow solidified.

My everything is anything,
Twice so doubly apt to say.

#50 BUCKET HEAD

Fill your mind with yesterdays,
And you're gonna miss today.
Fill it with tomorrows,
And you're gonna miss today.

Today's the only day that counts,
Like it did yesterday.
Today's the only day that counts,
Just like it will tomorrow.

Empty out that bucket head,
That's filled with so much stuff,
That's piled up since you were a kid,
Isn't it full enough?

Empty out that bucket head,
Fill it with today.
Empty it of yesterdays,
Empty of tomorrows,

Empty it of bank accounts
And nerve-wrack yester-sorrows,
Empty it of failing states and
Beg buy steal and borrows.

Empty it of Holy Ghosts
And patriotic slogans,
And left-right-red-blue stupid shit
And television dumb-shows.

Your entire lifespan,
However long it's been,
Has led up to this very day
Don't miss it yet again.

So empty out that head of yours
That's filled with so much shit,
Look around and take a breath
And realize: this is it.

# ONE TRUE ALLEN WRENCH

And yea, though you find the allen wrench set, after looking in the Five Places, thou shalt not find the one of the proper size, for Lo! There are two missing. And again thou shalt search, and Yea! You shall, in that other toolbox with the stuff you don't use very often, thou shalt find yet another allen wrench set, different from the first, yet similar. But nay, thou shalt not find the one of the proper size, and there will be much gnashing of teeth.

Search in vain, thou shalt not find what you seek, and the Bristles from the Wire Brush will stab thine fingers, and the tiny drawers with various screws, nuts and bolts shalt confound you, you shall not find the allen wrench, the One True Allen Wrench, proper for the task, and thou shalt weep. Yea, you will find loose allen wrenches hither and yon, but not the One True Allen Wrench of Power.

But Lo! Those little allen-wrench tipped screwdriver thingies you got at the Dollar Store, in an age past shalt be discovered unlooked for, and the proper size shalt be revealed, and the little set screw to hold the wheel on the axle shalt be turned clockwise, as it was written.