Monday, July 31, 2006

What more could a primate want?

you can totally get HIGH off a cigar—Billy Thorp’s “Children of The Sun” cranked on the Ipod, sittin’ on the front porch, puffin’ on a big stinkin’ turd of a cigar, two beers in the belly, wife and kids off at a kids’ movie, neighbor’s sprinkler somehow in sync with the guitars, newspaper and Weird Tales magazine, temperature a taught 90 degrees . . I am HIGH right now!

Yeah baby.

Bills paid, clients happy, belly full, no bombs going off; just getting and spending. What more could a primate want?

Peace in the Middle East Motherfuckers!

Oh Crap, I gotta call my Dad. His B-day was two days ago.

Photo gallery: Dust art

This guy does more than just write "WASH ME" on the back of dusty cars. He's an artist.

i didn't do anything . . .

Damn, I can’t even remember what I did this weekend. Um . . . Nothing. I got in the pool. I mowed the lawn, but that was last week . . . Let methink . . . I didn’t do anything this weekend. That’s the report. 0 0 0 oh wait, I remember. Saturday morning, there were kids left over from my daughter's sleepover Friday night, so I fled the house.

Sunday I had to drop the kids off at Chunky Cheese's. A massive storm, with low, black clouds boiling in from the West came upon Alpine Avenue, and it was super creepy. It was almost as Creepy as Chunky Cheese. Luckily, I didn't have to stay, as their was another parent throwing the party.

Friday, July 28, 2006

I am the Lyrical Jesse James. . . . not

XM radio “Sweet Caroline” by a young new artist named Neil Diamond. You’ll be hearing more about this new talent . . . no, wait, it’s the 60’s station on XM Radio. Any-woo . . . I’m in my office, my Fortress of Solitude. Reason: Savannah’s 10.5 birthday party/sleepover is in full effect. Eleven 10/11 year old girls are in my house, and I’m hiding out in the office with the door closed, typing words and playing video games and listening to (now) James Brown, “Mother Popcorn!” Listen to me white people: Get yourself some James Brown in your collection and get your groove on. It’s okay, it won’t hurt. I promise. James Brown kicks ass.

Earlier today, we split the kids into two groups for a Scavenger Hunt. I had to escort one group around the neighborhood, Deb escorted the other group. Deb’s group won, but on a misunderstanding on the rules. I thought she said we could only get ONE item per house, Deb’s group got as many of the 18 items they could from each house. Needless to say, they won. After the mistunderstanding, it was declared a tie and both groups jumped in the pool for a victory lap and had a great time.

(Kenny Rodgers, “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town”)

After that, I fled to the Hideout Brewery.

The Hideout is the greatest bar in the world (within three miles of my house) and they have great beer that travels less than ten yards from the spot it was brewed. I talked with another patron, Jeff, about old cars, car audio, and we watched Texas Hold-em’ on the TV. I smoked a cigar and had a few beers and relaxed after a relatively slow week.

Check out my new Ted Stevens Explains the Internets page. It kicks ass, and shows you that some of our congressmen are really, really f!cked up. Jesus H. Christ, somebody put this old man in a headlock and take him to the old-folks home already.

(Blood, Sweat & Tears: “Spinning Wheel”)

Any-whoo: I got an appointment tomorrow to fix somebody’s Outlook Express. Yah-hoo.

Luckily, I’m writing again, with a vengeance. My prose are all powerful. My rewrites are astronomical. I am the Lyrical Jesse James. . . . not.

The story I’m writing is pretty good. It’s about demons who tailgate in Dodge Ram pickups, and the guy who “exercises” them out of existence. Uh, that’s a terrible description. Got to read it. When I sell it, I’ll tell you what magazine you need to buy.

Peace in the Middle East Motherf*ckers! Got to go, the fake-ass Wolfman Jack show is on.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

How to Reach 100,000 People for Under $1.00

How to Reach 100,000 People for Under $1.00

cats that look like hitler

why does this website exist? Not sure, but it's a website all about cats that look like Hitler. Jeez. Read the "hate mail" page.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

the thumbs of the gloves

Last night, I got bit by a bat. The girls cleaned out the tree-house and brought in a folding chair that had been up there for along time. We guess that a bat was either hanging off of it or living inside the chair, because we found it huddled in the corner of the living room. I put on my work gloves to pick it up, but the thumbs of the gloves are ripped out, and I got bit.

Last night I dreamed I was a wolf running through the woods, and I want red meat really bad. Not sure if that’s related to the bat or not.

Today I dropped a machine off, pronounced it dead due to lightning strike. I cleaned out the storage room. It was full, but now it has four plastic containers in it, nothing else. We threw out a bunch of stuff.

Tonight I golf. It’s hot out.

Monday, July 24, 2006

I dropped the toilet cover

Did I mention that I dropped the toilet cover (over the back part, where you take it off to see why the toilet ain’t filling or whatever)and it fell on the tiles in the downstairs bathroom? It broke off the corner of it. I put a towel over it and swept up the pieces and Deb hasn’t noticed yet. Let’s see if she’s reading my blog or not. Probably not.

Today I set up a new laptop. I was smart enough to bring the older machine back, and sure enough, I hadn’t backed up the “family tree” software data. But I got it back thanks to my trusty usb-ide converter cable. that thing kicks ass.

Then, I was off to drop off Mr. 5-Gig-of-music machine. The guy had so much music, it took over 8 hours to copy it down in order to format his virus-laden HD.

After that I had to help some lady download some crap software from Comcast, or they wouldn’t let her connect to the Internet. We were on hold so long, I finally just downloaded it and got her on the Internet.

Now I’m working on a crap E-machine. They don’t put the fucking drivers on their website, and the restore “image” is giving me fits. I hate everything and everybody right now.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

the popular poop-putting spot

This week as been trade-show booths, golf-outings, work, and other life-related activities.

Today, finally, a day where I did nothing. Well, I did drain the pool and refill it. It is refilling now. I did crank out a couple of pages in my newest bestselling sci-fi thriller. I did make some pork-rib stew, which is stewing right now.

I did surf the Internets.

Otherwise, nothing. I did play catch with Alex. I did (without raising my voice) tell two kids to get off the roof of the school. I said, “Do I have to make a big stink and call the cops, or would you guys get down?” and they got down. I was calm, non-yelling, cool about the whole thing. My yelling at kids days are over as of last year.

I picked up a trash can at the school that was tipped over, put the trash back in, and dumped it in the dumpster so it wouldn’t end up all over again. It was extra stinky, cause you know when you see people walking their dogs and they have those little bags of poop? Well guess where the popular poop-putting spot is? That trash can at the school. Dis-gust-ing!

Needless to say, when I was done, vigorous hand-washing ensued.

Now I’m going to smoke a cigar and read a little.

Friday, July 21, 2006 booth booth
Originally uploaded by danmanning2001.
this is the nowaterball booth. We are cool.

I'm never reading again!

Tonight I “finished” reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. Why should I write a review, when a perfectly good one has already been given by Officer Barbrady from South Park: “And then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of shit I'm never reading again!” I think that about sums it up for me. Her writing is fantastic, but it’s melodramatic and overblown. She’s long-winded and too full of herself. I stopped on page 580. I don’t care if they build the motor. I don’t care if the industrialists are allowed to go about their business again. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care! The only thing I care about is the brain hemorrhage I felt brewing from reading this crap! I’m going to read Stephen King’s Night Shift and get a handle on things again. Damn.

Earlier this evening we set up the Nowaterball trade-show tent at the “amped @ the ampetheater” event, there were some pretty good bands there, I liked radio messiah myself. We didn’t sell much, but we got the booth up and down with no problems, and everything went smooth, so all we need now is an event that has a bunch of golfers, and we’ll all be rich.

Otherwise, not much else went on today. bla bla

Thursday, July 20, 2006

up late and up early

Saw Pirates of the Caribbean II last night. I can say one thing for it, it was LONG. It was action-packed, over the top at times, pretty creepy. I’ll give it an “okay”. Of course, Keira Knightley is smokin’ hot. more reviews

We’re finishing up the Nowaterball trade booth, of course, it looks like the event might get rained out. We’ll have to see what happens.

My laptop is acting buggy, might have to reformat on general principle.

I stayed up too late and got up too early. I’ll type at ya later.

Monday, July 10, 2006

stuff i typed in my car waiting to go golfing.

I just noticed a booger stuck to my finger.

I'm at the golf-course waiting on Brian so we can pre-golf. The reason I have to pre-golf is because I have to pick my sister up from the airport tomorrow. Picking people up from the airport is one of my least favorite things to do.

The reason I'm here early is because my last appointment was on this side of town.

So I'm typing this up on the PPC on this foldable keyboard.

Earlier today I had to clean up a few PCs, hooked up a wireless router and things of that nature. Nothing too exciting.

I guess I could practice my chip shots or something.

This is kind of cool. I put the keyboard on the trunk of the car, and it's the perfect height for typing. I can type standing up, and it is a lot more fun, and easier on my back.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

The Grand Rapids Park Project

Weekend Update: Friday I dropped off email data for a machine that crashed. I had to export to a .csv file bla bla bla, but anyways, there was much exporting and importing of files into outlook, cause the user had a different folder for every possible category of email you could think of. Thus it took more time, thus a larger bill.

After that, I jetted off to some crazy place around 64th street for a PC pickup (hard-drive crash) and the confirmation that yes, we have no cable internet signal. Call Comcast, tell them that yes, they have to come out and check the lines or whatever, because the modem no workie.

Then we drove to Davison to visit with my Brother-in-Law Tony, his wife and kids. Tony, his boy Travis and I went to Grand Blanc Golf Country Club and golfed. Fun times. Travis has a good golf swing.

Then there was “ball tag” in the backyard with Savannah, Alex and their cousins. All that running made me sore because I am old.

When we got back yesterday, Deb had to work. Savannah, Alex and I have started a new project: The Grand Rapids Park Project. The purpose is pretty simple: visit every park in Grand Rapids, hopefully by the end of the summer.

And that’s about it. This morning I’m playing catch-up on some work. I have to go make some coffee now. Goodbye.

Friday, July 07, 2006

They are like my electronic children.

I don't understand why there are still a handful of you who don't download my podcasts. Maybe you don't understand what a podcast is. A podcast is just a sound file. It's an .MP3 file that I made, with my own hands. It is a hand-crafted podcast. It's not an illegal file. It's legal. You can download it even if you don't have an ipod.

Podcasts are like little radio shows. It's just a file. There's no reason to be scared. You don't need a "pod" or an "ipod" or a "mac" or an "imac" or anything special. You can listen to it on a windows PC.

You just go to the podcast page and download it.

How can you resist? It's ME for God's sake. It's ME yapping into a microphone talking about dumb shit. Some people find it hilarious.

These are not just any podcasts. These podcasts are special. They are the finest podcasts that I know of. Quality podcasts. I've sweated and worked over 56 of these beauties. Each one a perfect expression of performance art. I've heard other podcasts, but this one is mine. I made them. They are like my electronic children.

Yet you don't go. I don't understand it at all. My poor podcasts, like #56, my baby, or like number #6, my Star Wars episode. Or the legendary #44, the "upset" episode, which has been downloaded, as of this writing, over 15,354,125,145 times. That's right. Over 15 BILLION times.

Go to my Podcast Page and download all of my podcasts. It is very important that you tell all of your friends about it. It is important that we all listen to them together. The fate of humanity hangs in the balance.

This has been a Public Service Announcement.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

It's 5 minutes past eleven.

Today I reformatted a PC at a home builder’s place. I had it back within hours, cause they didn't have any backups whatsoever. Of course I saved all crucial information. I saved their bacon.

Otherwise, after work I took the girls to a couple of parks to get them away from the television. I got the idea to get a map of the city, and we could put a red X on each city park we visit until we visit each and every park in the city.

There is an ice cream place on West River Drive that must be a hundred years old. Buying ice cream there is like going back in time.

After that we came home and watched a movie I downloaded on my laptop from I hooked the laptop to the television with an s-Video cable for the first time. It worked like a champ. No more going to blockbuster.

Right now I'm sitting on the front porch enjoying a cigar and listening to my Ipod. It's 5 minutes past eleven. There's a great podcast called "The Diner". It's kind of old time radio.

Well, that podcast is over, now I'm hitting the sack. Nighty-night Internet.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

today I just loved all of humanity

Today was a fantastic day. I got a call from the one of my regular customers, a garage. Their new E-Machine wouldn’t start. I drove downtown, stopping at Denny’s for a coffee, under a blue sky, cool temperatures, and new tires. The poor E-Machine must have taken a power-spike (I actually have no idea) because when you hit the power button, the power light came on for just a second, and then went out. I performed magic (that will not be revealed here) and it was working in less than thirty seconds.

But then, as they were writing me a check, a miracle happened: One of the mechanics walked in holding a tiny, cute, white and gray kitten. A stray from somewhere. The gal who runs the place said, “Where’d you get that?” and the mechanic said, it just wandered in. So now they have a shop cat. I suggested they call it “shop cat.”

When I got home I finished up one machine on the bench, and took it to one of my other repeat customers. Somehow their “SYSTEM” folder got wiped out, so it was reformat city. But today I took it back. My customer was a pregnant woman and her husband. She was “glowing.”

For some reason, today I just loved all of humanity, and I have a good attitude. That’s good for me, but bad for you, because people in good moods are BORING!

After that I picked up toner for my printer, along with my favorite pen and some invoices. Later, after Deb goes to work, I might go purchase a couple of my favorite cigars.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

happy 4th ya'all

smoke bombs
Originally uploaded by danmanning2001.
Space shuttle launched today. Mentos in Diet Pepsi experiment was a success. Dropped off one machine, bought some more fireworks, and had some beers. Lit smoke bombs in the driveway. Lots of fireworks in the school behind the house. Another lazy day taking it easy.

Monday, July 03, 2006

kid’s big wheel sitting on the shoulder of I96

Today I drove 120 miles, picked up two machines for emergency lobotomies, drove all the way to Byron Center to retrieve data from a machine that had already given up its hard drive to the great beyond. An old Sony VIAO that should have stopped working around ’02.

Weird thing: I saw some kid’s big wheel sitting on the shoulder of I96. That was creepy enough, you know the kind of Stephen King creepy where you wonder if the kid was on it or got lost in those woods next to the highway or whatever. Then, later on, there were kids’ toys strewn down the shoulder of 131. What the heck is going on here?

So I bought a new pool filter, chlorine, and shock for the pool that is looking a little green. I stopped by the bank, and again, there were people outside the door wondering if it was closed. I pulled on the door and it opened. People just can’t pull hard enough on that door or something, that’s the second time it’s happened.

And finally, I didn’t get anything to eat until 2:30. I drove like a madman to OCB (Old Country Buffet), the family silently praying that we wouldn't be killed on the way. My blood sugar was so low my hands were shaking, and I was HANGRY! (Hungry and ANGRY) I would have bitten the head off a small child if it wasn’t illegal. But luckily I got to the buffet before I saw any infants or toddlers, or I would by writing this with a crayon in a padded cell somewhere, and I’m not sure if I’d be able to post to Blogger from there.

So. I ate food, all is well. After that we bought fireworks. Just sparklers and snakes and punks and smoke bombs and those snapper thingys. We saw big fireworks last night, thanks to the neighbors. Plus the rich people by the lake shoot off fireworks every year a couple blocks from here, like, ooh, look at how rich we are, we can afford these expensive fireworks, woo woo woo look at us . . . oh, did I type that out loud? I might sound a little jealous.

I got two machines on the bench, the pool is clearing up, it’s the holidays, Deb’s picking up some booze. Let all peoples of Earth live in Peace and Harmony, and may the Spirit of Elvis Serve and Protect you.

Turns out it was Jupiter

Last night one of the neighbors set off $400.00 worth of illegal fireworks he bought in PA. Takes the pressure off me to put on a show! Now I can just buy some sparklers and snakes and call it good.

A couple of years ago, I bought a telescope at a garage sale that sat has since sat in the garage for a couple of years. For the last few nights, Savannah has taken an interest in looking at the moon with it, and it’s been fun to do some amateur astronomy. So we had it out last night, and the neighbor with the fireworks says they also have a telescope, and he pointed out a planet they had been looking at, and he said he saw some moons around it. He didn’t know what planet it was.

So Savannah and I look at it with the telescope, and it looked like this: link Turns out it was Jupiter. We had to do a little looking on the Internet later, but it is Jupiter.

About Me

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I am the author of 5 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, The Cubicles of Madness, Robot Stories, and most recently, Various Meats and Cheeses. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at