Still Carving a Chess Set

You Aren't Going to Get Ebola

You aren't going to get Ebola. Terrorists aren't going to cut off your head. You won't be shot by a random gunman at the mall/theater/church/school. What annoys you is a symptom of a bigger problem. 9/11 wasn't an inside job. That new gadget won't fix it. (There's nothing to fix.) The government isn't going to take your guns. Gun owners aren't taking over the world. Your party won't fix anything. The government isn't watching you; you aren't that interesting. Cops can't help it. Criminals can't help it. You (probably) won't end up homeless, but if you do, you'll figure something out. Stop watching the news. You aren't crazy. You're doing the best you can. God isn't threatened by science. Be kinder than you have to be. Creationists won't destroy science. Legalized gay marriage won't turn you gay. Yes, stupidity is everywhere, but not everyone is stupid on the same frequency. Things aren't unraveling, they're changing, just like always. The slope isn't that slippery. Stop taking selfies. People are not getting dumber. Most Christians don't care if you're gay. Most atheists don't care if you're Christian. Christmas isn't under attack. Your ________ is less interesting than you think. Booze isn't going to fix it. Stop trying to fix it. Rich people can't help it. Poor people can't help it. You don't need a new _____ unless the one you have is broken. You don't need a new _____. Nativity scenes do not lead to theocracy. The world economy will keep tottering along. You annoy somebody. You look fine. Your clothes are fine. Your car is fine. Your booze is fine. Your phone is fine. It's good enough. You don't need pills from the TV. The Internet isn't harming your kids. Everything is going to work itself out. Relax.

#93 THE GREATEST TOAST OF ALL

Be-cause the great-est
Toast of all,
Is easy to achieeeeeeeeeve,
Learn how to maaaake French toast,
It's the greatest, toaaast of all.

Crack two eggs into some milk,
And mix it up with any utensil,
Add some bread, a frying pan,
You can't take away my dignity!

Be-cause the great-est
Toast of all,
Is easy to achieeeeeeeeeve,
Learn how to maaaake French toast,
It's the greatest, toaaast of all.

#87 "LEARN MORE"

Click to learn more.
Click to learn more, you guys.
Call or click to learn more.
Learn more at our website.
Learn more, you guys.
Call or click today to learn more.
Learn more.
Learn more.
Learn more about the thing we're trying to sell you.
Call or click to learn more.
Learn more.
You don't know enough. Learn more.
Learn more, stupid. Call or click to learn more.
Learn more.
Learn.
Learn consumer, learn.
You will learn.
We'll teach you.
Learn more.
Click to learn more.
You can't avoid it. Learn more.
Learn more.

De-Evolution

from here: http://frankart.com.au/de-evolved/

Still Carving a Chess Set

Pawn embryos:

Pawns. New design: left, Old design: right

Reading Ayn Rand To My Dog

I've been reading Ayn Rand's /Introduction to Objectivist Epistemology/ (which I got for a buck at the Salvation Army) to my dog, Ginger. She won't pay attention, and I don't think any of it is sinking in. {please note: I am not a Rand Kool-Aid drinker, I'm just curious to see what affect this information will have on my dog. Will she abandon her dog-like tendencies and follow a path of ruthless Machiavellian selfish motivation?}

How Venn Diagrams are Born

"Sometimes, when two circles love each other very much, they share a special hug..."

#47 The Greatest Nap of All

I believe that napping's in my future,
Close the door and nap the day away
Show them all the snoozes I possess inside
Because I'm tired, I'm getting sleepier
Let the voicemail take my calls, because I'm sleeping
All day long.

I decided long ago, to take a nap, my head on a pillow
If I fail, if I succeed,
At least I'll get the sleep I need!
No matter what I'm sposta do,
It has to wait 'til after Three!

Because the great-est, nap of all,
Is happening to me.
Learning to nap all day
Is the greatest nap of all.

Still carving a chess set out of firewood

"Can you change the temp to 78 and did phil colins die?"

Think how it must be for me, with the horrifying 1986 hit, "Invisible Touch" stuck in my head. It has reached in, and grabbed "right hold" of my mind. It crawls under my skin. It is taking control of me, and slowly tearing me apart. I know other people are dealing with real issues right now, and this seems like a minor thing, but I can't escape it. It echoes through my mind. It casts a cheesy pallor on everything I do and everything I see. It is there; it will not go away. I've looked at the lyrics. This song is f**king terrible. But I can't get that scrap of tune out of my head. This piece of shit was the first #1 single in the US for the band Genesis.

Why? Why you ask? Because I received this ACTUAL text this morning: "Can you change the temp to 78 and did phil colins die?"

I changed the thermostat and I checked the news for "Phil Collins."

I responded, "I changed the temperature, and I find no evidence that Phil Collins is dead. He seems very much alive."

But then, a few minutes later, it started:  "duh duh duh an invisible touch yeah, duh duh duh duh... slowly tears you apart...."

And it's still there. I wouldn't want to pass this on to anyone. I wouldn't want anyone to read this and go, "Oh shit, now it has infected me!"

I don't want that on my conscience. I don't want you walking around all day, "duh duh duh an invisible touch yeah, duh duh duh duh... slowly tears you apart...."

We Could Put An Unnecessary Blinking Light On It

So the power company put new meters on all the houses in our neighborhood for some reason. Fine, whatever. But this evening, walking around the block, it turns out there's a blinking red light on the side of everybody's house now, because you can't just put in a new meter, you have to put a blinking red light on it, because _________ wtf, I don't know. You've got to put a blinking light on everything, for some reason. God forbid you put up a power meter without a blinking red light. It's a red light, and it blinks. On every house.

 "Bob, I like the design on the new meters, but is there any way we could make them obnoxious, somehow?"

"Well, we could put an unnecessary blinking light on it, you know, to tell the customer, 'hey, don't forget, we're the Power Company. We can make your house blink.'"

 "I like it. It makes it more complicated, for no reason. And obnoxious. Make it red. And make sure it blinks."

Alan Hovhaness: The Rubaiyat (of Omar Khayyam) Op. 308

I'm carving a chess set out of firewood.

I have my work cut out for me.

This Land is Mine, by Nina Paley

This Land Is Mine from Nina Paley on Vimeo.

DISHWATER SHOTS

A week or so ago, I introduced two words that should not be put together:

LITTERBOX HARVEST

Now, I've come up with two more words that don't go together:

DISHWATER SHOTS

THE THEME SONG FROM THREE'S COMPANY (IS STUCK IN MY HEAD)

Sometimes, the theme song from the hit television show, "Three's Company" spontaneously gets stuck in your head. Other times, it gets stuck in someone else's head, but they post on the Internet how the theme from "Three's Company" is stuck in their head, and then it is stuck in yours, and you're like, "dammit."

"Come and knock on our door
(Come and knock on our door)
We've been waiting for you
(We've been waiting for you)
Somethin' somethin' somethin' his
Three's company, too!"

So anyway. There is is.

# WHICH DIPPING SAUCE WOULD JESUS PREFER?

Biblical scholars cannot tell us which dipping sauces Jesus would prefer, if given a choice of today's dipping sauces. He might choose "mild," for the meek shall inherit the earth, but maybe not. He might choose "honey-mustard," although this too is pure speculation.

The question over which dipping sauce Jesus would choose has plagued theologians for decades, and in 1972 almost caused a schism in Catholic Church, similar to the East-West schism of 1053. In 1972 Pope Paul VI declared that the preferred dipping sauce of Jesus Christ was "ranch," and that all teachings to the contrary was heresy.

Makarios III, Archbishop of Cyprus during that period, declared that no, in fact, Jesus preferred "honey-mustard" dipping sauce.

The question remains. What dipping sauce would Jesus prefer, if given a choice? Some of us believe that Jesus is open to all types of dipping sauces, not preferring one over the other.

What's your opinion? Which dipping sauce do you think Jesus would prefer, when having wings or maybe chicken strips?

#48 AND THEN YOU LOOK AT THE INTERNET

You live in a house,
You pay a bill,
You go to work,
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, there's stuff there on that screen

You drive your car
You buy some gas
You go back home
And then you look at the Internet

Type in some words and spell check what you wrote

You have a snack,
You take a poop,
You wash your hands,
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, there's stuff there on that screen

You take a nap
You wake back up
You watch tv
And then you look at the Internet

Look at the screen, a cat or something else

You fry an egg
And drink your juice,
You drive to work
And then you look at the Internet

Oh my god, the wireless is down

You get real drunk
And you fall down,
You text your ex
And then you look at the Internet

Pictures of you, with something on your shirt

You take a trip
And snap some pics
You upload some
And then you look at the Internet

Clickety click, ya scroll some and you click

audio of me singing this awesomeness...

Tinea Versicolor

If you found this by searching tinea versicolor, then I assume you have it. It isn't fun having spots, and I had it for a long, long time,(I'm 47, and I've had it since childhood).

I figured out how to get rid of it. It is completely unscientific, but it has worked for me, so here it goes:

You will need three things:

1. the cruelest, hardest bristle brush you can find.
2. a bottle of dandruff shampoo
3. a bathtub.

Find the hardest bristle brush you can stand, then find one with even stiffer bristles. Take a nice relaxing bath. Put the dandruff shampoo in the water. Make bubbles. Soak.

When your skin is nice and loosened up, scrub every inch as hard as you can stand. Get every bit of dead skin off. Rub your arms, your neck, your ribs, your back and anywhere else (not your private parts, that's crazy). Rub the bubbles from the dandruff shampoo in really hard. Then scrub some more. Make sure it hurts.

Do this once a week for two or three weeks.

This isn't a permanent cure, but it has worked for me. My skin, for the first time in forever, is clear. It's the only thing that has worked. Can't guarantee it will work for you, but what the heck: spots.

Good luck.

Worst Name for a Breakfast Cereal

"Litterbox Harvest"

{The following includes extensive use of ellipsis.}

Sometimes, on television, or on the radio, actors will pause . . . as if they are thinking up their lines off the top of the head, impromptu, when talking about the careful consideration they took when choosing their bank, their insurance, or their laxatives. On television, they will look to the side . . . they will pause . . . as if trying to find the right word to say. These actors are trying to appear thoughtful, wise . . . reflective.

These lines are carefully crafted by writers who know what buttons to push, and what keywords to include . . . or exclude. But the actors will pause . . . as if thinking . . . usually ending with something like, "and that's important to me," or "shouldn't my bank/insurance/laxative do this or that?"

WHY IS THE ICE-CREAM TRUCK MUSIC SO LOUD?

The ice-cream truck came by today, and I wondered, "Why is the music so loud?" The answer came to me immediately: kids don't play outside so much anymore. The music has to penetrate the walls of houses. The dens and bedrooms.  The music has to be loud enough to reach the iPad users, the video game players, the Minecrafters and the World of Warcrafters. The Facebookers and the ear-budders. The Neflixers and the Spotifiers. And the bloggers.

So. The obnoxiously loud "Popeye" music.

Good luck ice-cream truck guy, good luck.

# KICKING THE HOT POCKETS HABIT

If they made a movie about how Tom Hanks battles his addiction to "Hot Pockets," it isn't going to end with him crying into a plate of Hot Pockets, watching re-runs of "Facts of Life" in a poorly lit apartment, alone, estranged from his girlfriend, played by Sofía Vergara, just shoveling "Hot Pockets" into his face, crying because he can't stop. He's addicted, and he gave up.

No. It wouldn't end like that. There would be a scene where his personal trainer (played by George Cloony ) says, "Tom, I've looked at this from ten different directions, and there's just no way you can eat on your budget without including Hot Pockets in your diet. It's just impossible.

And that's when Sofia Vergara walks out on him. And for a while, he eats "Hot Pockets", as his friends distance themselves from an ever-expanding Tom Hanks. "I don't know you anymore," his friend, played by Jonah Hill, says.

Finally, when all seems hopeless, he's standing in front of the Hot Pockets shelves at the grocery store, while "O Fortuna" plays in the background. A tight shot of the different brands, and Tom's bloated face, licking his lips, trying to decide, hating himself, when suddenly an obese woman in horrifying yoga pants elbows past him, shoveling entire shelves of Hot Pockets into her cart, breathing heavily. She looks like she's on death's door, and Tom decides then and there to change his ways.

He rolls his cart to the produce section.

Cut to six months later. A much slimmer Tom Hanks finishes his first half-marathon. He has a long way to go, but he won't give up. He'll get his life back together. And who is waiting at the finish line? Sofia Vergara, and their newborn child, a child Tom Hanks didn't even know about.

#88 AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS

card, card credit card,
borrowing money isn't hard.
you need to buy a lot of stuff,
cause you're convinced it's not enough.

look, our truck,
it's so damn tough
look, our truck,
won some awards,
don't be a pussy,
are you a man?
buy our truck.
you need our truck.
our manly truck.

let us loan you money.
let us loan you cash.
usury is funny,
let us loan you cash

our insurance is better,
buying insurance is fun.
with lizards and weird ladies,
buying insurance is fun.
it isn't a big scam,
buying insurance is fun.

PENIS PILLS, PENIS PILLS,
PENIS PENIS PENIS PILLS!
PENIS PILLS, PENIS PILLS,
PENIS PENIS PILLS!

your skin is shit.
you're getting old,
your skin is saggy
you look like shit,
your skin's not tight.
we'll make it right,
just buy this cream,
and live the dream
of youthful skin
be young again!
this magic oil
will remove boils.
you're getting old.
{you're so damn old!}

beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.
beer makes you happy.

our bank is more personal.
we want to make you rich.
just let us hold your money.
how will you retire?
we really love you, really.
give us your money.

tonight, a cop show,
cop show cop, a cop show
cop show cop show cop.
tonight a very special guest,
a talent show, and all the rest.

this gadget is new
this gadget is sleek,
this gadget is better
than one from last week
and if you don't buy it
you're going to die
of embarrassment,
buy it, or get left behind.

cook this for your family,
they'll love you, they will
they'll smile and be happy,
just trust us, cook this swill.

lawyer lawyer lawyer law.
law lawyer lawyer lawyer law

burger, burger, taco, steak
pizza, burger, chocolate shake
chocolate ice-cream, masticate
this crap and then regurgitate.

are you real fat?
imagine that.
we can fix that
we're standing by
to take your calls,
to make you thin
and masculine,
or feminine

happy pills
happy pills
are you sad? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills
still unhappy? happy pills.
happy happy happy pills.

chess game I played against my phone.

Hi,

Just want to show you how I beat down my phone in a chess game:
That is all.

#89 DON'T FEAR THE KEEBLER

Snacking time has come,

All the snacks are gone,

Children don't fear the Keebler,

Although he's small and he's kinda weird,

{He can fill the cookie jar}

Make some cookies...

Don't fear the Keebler,

{He's just makin' some snacks}

Don't fear the Keebler,

{Makes his home in a tree}

Don't fear the Keebler

{wears a little red hat}

La, la la, la la

La, la la, la la

# IS THE WORLD GETTING STUPIDER?

It seems like every day, we see more people doing and saying stupider things. Why does it seem like the world's population is getting stupider? I have four general theories, all completely impossible to prove, and probably stupid in themselves:

1. People are just getting stupider. Through the decline in education, our increased reliance on Frankenfood, and, among other things, the popularity of stupid things on television, it is possible that an increasing percentage of the population is becoming stupid, slack-jawed non-book-reading lazy slobs, lumbering around, doing and saying stupid shit.  People are simply getting stupider and stupider.

2. People aren't getting stupider, but there are more cameras to catch more stupid things happening. With so many television channels, more people must bloviate more often about stupider subjects. There is also the cheap way to make television: stupidity as entertainment. Find a group of idiots, put them on television, and viola! a hit television show.

With cameras in phones, on dashboards, buildings and traffic poles, more stupid things are caught on camera, and with the Internet, those stupid things caught on camera are disseminated to more people, thus making it seem like humans are getting stupider.

3. The percentage of stupid people is not increasing, but there are simply more people, and while the percentage of stupid people isn't going up, the sum total of stupid people walking around doing stupid shit is rising. And since the chance of hearing about stupid shit is increased by increased surveillance, (see point 2. above) it SEEMS like people are getting exponentially stupider.

4. People are just getting stupider.

#49 Twice So Doubly Apt to Say

My everything is anything,
Twice so doubly apt to say.
When reason-thinking's sillified,
By half-thought silence by the way.

A half-glimpsed secret nullified
By twice distracted green-light goes
When dust-mote sunbeam silent house
A weekday slow solidified.

My everything is anything,
Twice so doubly apt to say.

#50 BUCKET HEAD

Fill your mind with yesterdays,
And you're gonna miss today.
Fill it with tomorrows,
And you're gonna miss today.

Today's the only day that counts,
Like it did yesterday.
Today's the only day that counts,
Just like it will tomorrow.

Empty out that bucket head,
That's filled with so much stuff,
That's piled up since you were a kid,
Isn't it full enough?

Empty out that bucket head,
Fill it with today.
Empty it of yesterdays,
Empty of tomorrows,

Empty it of bank accounts
And nerve-wrack yester-sorrows,
Empty it of failing states and
Beg buy steal and borrows.

Empty it of Holy Ghosts
And patriotic slogans,
And left-right-red-blue stupid shit
And television dumb-shows.

Your entire lifespan,
However long it's been,
Has led up to this very day
Don't miss it yet again.

So empty out that head of yours
That's filled with so much shit,
Look around and take a breath
And realize: this is it.

# ONE TRUE ALLEN WRENCH

And yea, though you find the allen wrench set, after looking in the Five Places, thou shalt not find the one of the proper size, for Lo! There are two missing. And again thou shalt search, and Yea! You shall, in that other toolbox with the stuff you don't use very often, thou shalt find yet another allen wrench set, different from the first, yet similar. But nay, thou shalt not find the one of the proper size, and there will be much gnashing of teeth.

Search in vain, thou shalt not find what you seek, and the Bristles from the Wire Brush will stab thine fingers, and the tiny drawers with various screws, nuts and bolts shalt confound you, you shall not find the allen wrench, the One True Allen Wrench, proper for the task, and thou shalt weep. Yea, you will find loose allen wrenches hither and yon, but not the One True Allen Wrench of Power.

But Lo! Those little allen-wrench tipped screwdriver thingies you got at the Dollar Store, in an age past shalt be discovered unlooked for, and the proper size shalt be revealed, and the little set screw to hold the wheel on the axle shalt be turned clockwise, as it was written.

Wrote a new book

Hey now. I wrote another book, Robot Stories (Ten Stories for Humans). It is available on Amazon.com, and you should get a copy.

You can find it here: http://amzn.com/1499164793

#51 Get Out of the Way, Squirrel!

Get out of the way, squirrel!

You're standing on the yellow line!

Why are you doing that?

What's wrong with you?

There are no snacks there.

Go! Get out of the way!

No, not that way!

First left, then right: you are so indecisive.

Your brain is ridiculously small.

I don't want to run you over.

But I will not swerve. I will not vary my speed!

Oh, if I crush you with my car: The inner twinge!

The horrible noise.

The wince, the closed eyes (one open, for driving!)

So gross.

The glance in the mirror to see

If you are twitching.

Please don't force me to vehicular murder you!

Yes, yes! That way. Yes! To the grass!

You made it! Oh, thank God.

Stay out of the street, stupid squirrel.

#52 The half-sleep Fever Dream

The half-sleep
Fever Dream
of drowse-eyed
Winter Nap

Afternoon dust motes
Dance slowly
In a beam
Of cold Sunlight.

#53 Time To Time Some Dark Before

Time to time,
Some dark before,
I wish I could,
Remember more.

When that One Thing
That happened then,
Was time to time,
Some dark before.

I wish I could
Remember more.
Helped the neighbor
Off the floor.

Was time to time,
Some dark before,
The whispering
neck-ache distant road.

Helped the neighbor
Off the floor.
She sat there two days
Dark before.

The whispering
Neck-ache distant road.
The sound of highway
Dark before.

She sat there two days
Dark before.
She sat there two days
On the floor.

The sound of highway
Dark before.
Next night ambulance,
At her door.

She sat there two days
On the floor.
They took her somewhere
Nevermore.

Next night ambulance,
At her door.
It was at night,
Took her away.

They took her somewhere
Nevermore.
Time to time
Some dark before.

#40 SOME PEOPLE

Some Christians are assholes.

Some Atheists are assholes.

Some Muslims are assholes.

Some Jews are assholes.

Some Christians are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some Atheists are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some Muslims are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some Jews are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some whites are assholes.

Some blacks are assholes.

Some Asians are assholes.

Some whites are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some blacks are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some Asians are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some homosexuals are idiots.
Some heterosexuals are idiots.

Some homosexuals are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some heterosexuals are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

The jerk at work has issues.

The cool guy at work has issues.

The President of the United States has issues.

The last President of the United States has issues.

America is flawed.

China is flawed.

Russia is flawed.

Those other countries are flawed.

This planet is flawed.

Capitalism is not perfect.

Socialism is not perfect.

Some liberals are idiots.

Some conservatives are idiots.
Some liberals are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some conservatives are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some rich people are assholes.
Some poor people are assholes.
Some rich people are thoughtful and kind, but not always.
Some poor people are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some young people are idiots.

Some old people are idiots.

Some young people are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some old people are thoughtful and kind, but not always.

Some fans of your sports team are idiots.

Some fans of their sports team are idiots.

Some preachers are idiots.

Some scientists are idiots.

Some people are horrible.

Some people are wonderful, but not always.

2013 in Review

This year that thing happened and we were all like, NO WAY! And some people were naked too much, and others were wearing suits and they spoke into microphones. Then some political stuff happened, and we were like, NO WAY! ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE! But then something new happened, probably on television or in the news.

Some good TV series ended or began, and some people were like, THIS IS SO AWESOME, and others were like, "Meh."

There were some award shows, where men wore tuxedoes and women showed off their boobies, and everyone was like, "She looked this way or that!"

Then some science stuff happened, and robots. Just last year, we were all thinking, I can't believe 2012 is already over with, there was so much bullshit. What bullshit is going to happen next? And bullshit DID happen. This year we are all thinking, I can't believe 2013 is over with, there was so much bullshit, What bullshit is going to happen next?

Sports and award shows, and weather happened. There were some emergencies. Some people got all shot up and we were all sad for a few days, but then sports happened.

And economy. Gas prices were one price, and then another. There were jobs and stuff, or no jobs, and men in ties stood at microphones and said some stuff.

So anyway. Freedom 2014.

#39 THE POOPY SONG

That dog made a poopy!
A poopy in the USA!
And the man who walks beside it,
Picked it up and put it in a bag!

That dog made a poopy,
Just as I was driving by,
And its human looked so silly,
With a bag of poop in hand!

That white bag is swinging,
And it is filled with poop!
That dog made a poopy,
A poopy in the USA!

Is it two snickers bars in a bag?
It's a pile of poop in a bag!
That dog made a poopy!
A poopy in the USA!

So many dogs in the USA,
Pooping and pooping their lives away,
And it's all scooped up and thrown away,
In white bags with square knots,
IN THE USA!!

WHY THE RICH CAN RUN OVER THE POOR

Recently in the news, you may have read that a rich kid ran over four people and for his drunken crime, gets to spend time in a half-million dollar a year resort for rich people. You may be annoyed by this. But you must understand that the rich cannot possibly be expected to be thrown in jail, because they are rich. These are the aristocracy, and they are better than you and me, in every way, and the law is on their side.

It is a law that they have created in their own image, with their money, which God has bestowed on them because They are his favorite children.

They work very hard in their fancy schools to which their parents, whom God loves very much, sent them in order for them to take their rightful places in society.

It is a society in which you must struggle. You will continue to exist in this system, which works just fine, and although you may work much harder for much less, it is because you did not have the forethought to slide out of a rich lady's vagina in an expensive hospital when you were born. They had that foresight, and they are rewarded for it with all the riches in the world.

They are organized. They can pay people to devote entire careers to promote their interests in the halls of power, by giving money to their friends in the halls of power. This might seem like "bribery," but that is a vulgar term. They prefer to call it freedom of speech, so it becomes freedom of speech, and who in their right mind has a problem with freedom of speech? They can shape the laws to make sure they remain happy and rich! Would you deny them this right? You could organize too, if you had time, and since time is money, you don't have time. If only you had more money, you could take time off to organize. But who has time for that? Those bills aren't going to pay themselves.

Is it fair? Of course. The rich are organized and powerful. You could organize too, but if you do, it is probably against the law somehow, and if it isn't, it will be, because laws can be changed. If you organize enough, armored thugs with utility belts filled with torture devices will spray poison in your poor, proletariate faces and electrocute you with stun guns because you will learn your place. You live in the time of the Oligarchs, but you don't know it yet because of patriotic songs about "freedom" and "bravery," and you believe it: oh yes, you had better believe in it, because if you start to think about it too much, you might realize where you are. You will believe it until you get a whiff of pepper spay, and then you back off, for freedom.

Once you learn to know your place, it will be easier to take. But like it or not, you will take it. So know your place already.

The Rich can run over the poor because they must deal with the overwhelming burden of money and power, to which they are entitled. Being obscenely wealthy has its side effected, so how can they possibly be held responsible for their actions?  Why would they take responsibility? Who would hold them responsible? Other rich people? The law? The law belongs to them. They are above the law because they own the law. They write the law.

Now get back to work Proles. Know your place and be thankful the incredibly wealthy are out there, running people over, writing laws, fixing elections, gerrymandering, closing factories and speaking to you on giant screens.

Because Freedom.

AMATEUR SPOONBENDING FOR BEGINNERS

Spoonbending is coming back! You've read about it all over the Internet, you've seen it on the news. Perhaps you've seen the flyers in the coffee shops! Everyone is spoonbending, and of course, you want to get in on this hot new trend!

Spoonbending is simple. Get an ordinary spoon. Hold the spoon by the "neck," that supple, narrow part of the spoon under the spoon part where the soup goes. Don't put soup in it. This is a clean spoon. Don't put it in your mouth. No. We are repourposing the spoon to amaze and astound our friends and family.

Hold the spoon between your thumb and forefinger, so the handle hangs down (by gravity!) and the scoopy part is up above where you're holding it, which is the neck (See the above paragraph, above).

Now you've got it by the neck. That spoon knows who is in charge. Yet the neck of the spoon remains stubbornly solid. It is its solidity we must tackle, and we'll do it by this one simple trick:

Simply empty your mind of all conscious thought and completely vaporize your ego, so that you are empty phenomenon, holding what? Nothing! The spoon is gone, and so are you! Now the spoon bends . . . in your mind. The spoon is still exactly as it was before, but will anyone see it? No! You no longer want to impress anyone by spoonbending, because you are now selfless phenomena, one with the universe, and the spoon! Get it?

But that is a cop out. Let's get real. Let's really bend that spoon: How to really bend spoons: First, you need a guru. Perhaps you know some bearded gentleman in your neighborhood. If you are picturing an old, wise Asian gentleman, or some sort of turbaned Hindu mystic, you should check yourself. That's total stereotyping, and you should stop it. God, you are such a racist sometimes, I swear. You need a guru of some sort to teach you mental disciplines and physical calisthenics, yoga or perhaps deep breathing exercises.

Then, after months or years of training, you are ready to bend the spoon. Now: hold the spoon as described above in the above paragraphs (above). Focus all of your mental energy on the neck of the spoon, and as you do so, move the two fingers, between which you have grasped the neck of the spoon, and make tiny circles, focusing all of your mental and physical energies on that point, heating it with friction and the psionic powers you developed over your months of training with your guru, who may or may not have charged you money in the form or "donations," or "dinner," or outright fees. He has to eat, you know. "All of the guru powers in the world don't change the fact that people have rent. I mean Jesus Christ, I can't live on good vibes you know. Why are you always such a tight ass? We talked about that. Your materialism is what's holding you back. And the issues you have at work." So anyway. Make small circles. You will feel your life-force focused exclusively on that point of the neck of the spoon. You might feel doubts. A thought might flutter through you mind, even for a moment, "I should have gone to college like my parents wanted me to," or, "What am I compensating for, trying to bend this spoon? Isn't there some better way to spend my time?" or "I think this 'guru' is taking advantage of me. I've never seen him bend a spoon." Ignore these distractions. Focus. Focus on that god-damned spoon. That spoon that insists on being so solid. Convince it that it is not solid. "You are a spoon, bend already. Jesus Christ, the embarrassment alone should bend you in half. Everybody's thinking this isn't going to happen. Why didn't I practice this alone? They already think I'm a freak, and now this." Make excuses, and after the awkwardness, don't leave right away, or everyone will think it is because you are embarrassed. Have a drink, laugh it off, make some small talk, and then get the hell out of there and try to regroup.

Okay: how to bend a spoon with your mind: This is serious this time, so pay close attention to every word I'm about to lay down, because this is some mind-expanding stuff right here.

Hold the spoon as described in the above paragraphs. BY THE NECK. Got it? Okay. Now: picture someone who is dead. Patrick Swayze is a good choice, because he helps people with various arts and crafts, but he isn't the only choice. What you need is someone from "the other side" to bring a blowtorch from "the other side." I know it sounds fantastic, but if you don't believe in spiritual stuff like ghosts and afterlives, why don't you open up your mind and stop being such a damned nihilist? I mean, if there's no afterlife, what's the point of all this? You always do this! You're always so negative about stuff, no wonder you can't bend the spoon. Can't there be any mysteries in life? Does everything have to be a lab experiment with you? So cold. So god damned cold and clinical. Wait, where was I? Oh yes. Other suggestions would be people who were famous for welding . . . did I just open my web browser and Google "famous welders?" Possibly. Did I find any? Not really. As far as I can tell, there are no seriously "famous" welders you could summon from the Indescribable Paradox of The Afterscape to bring a welding torch to heat the spoon enough to allow you to bend it. Summoning a demon is always a bad idea, although they bring their own heat and could melt the spoon in a snap, but they always want something in return, and I'm not about to go into it, but it is bad news. Believe me. So demon summoning is out. So you are stuck with a spirit of the dead, and I'm thinking the only dead person that could help would be Patrick Swayze, who, as far as I can tell (from his Wikipedia page) has no welding experience, but he does things in clay, and even though that doesn't apply here, for all we know, he could have taken welding in shop class in high school. Anywhoo, summon the spirits of the dead to bend the spoon, somehow.

I think that covers the basics. After reading this essay, you should be able to perform the following tasks:

1. bend spoons with your mind.

# VEHEMENT PROPAGANDA

I would like to write some vehement propaganda. I would like it to be widely read and influential. Not only on the Internet, but also in newspapers, books, universities, churches, and discussed at length on television. My vehement propaganda will be controversial, at first. But with the right combination of well reasoned arguments, jingoistic nationalism, junk science, pop psychology, magical thinking, and neuro-linguistic programming, I want it to influence a vast majority of both the reading and non-reading public. Influential think tanks and shadowy groups of paranoid conspiracy theorists will huddle together to discuss the precepts of my vehement propaganda. Various television personalities and influential thinkers will argue, scream, and come to blows while debating the various sublime aspects of my vehement propaganda.

My vehement propaganda will create unexpected alliances between formerly diametrically opposed groups, who will consolidate and simultaneously obliterate political and economic power based on the theories and clear incremental planning that will be found within the dense, massive volumes of my vehement propaganda. Vast worldwide upheavals in the socio-economic framework in which we currently live will leave society unrecognizable. Some who are great will fall, and others who are obscure will triumph in the unpredictable aftermath of my vehement propaganda. Who can question it? My vehement propaganda will defy logic. It will redefine logic in its own image. Conventional ideas about gender, class, race, creed, wealth and poverty, day and night, up and down will be rendered obsolete by the sheer weight of the towering arguments found in the hallowed pages of my vehement propaganda.

Will there be marching? Possibly. Armbands? Perhaps. But only if, decades after I am dead, or at least rumored dead, with those enduring rumors that I am really alive even after the span of my mortal years are long past, only when my vehement propaganda can be twisted by wicked men who rise to power after I am no longer around, only then will come the marching and the armbands and the military parades. But until that unfortunate (and unavoidable) time, my vehement propaganda is for the people. You know who you are. For you! The backbone of what makes society work! Those of you capable of understanding. Those of you who are awake! You are the ones who get it; my vehement propaganda is for you. Without you, it is nothing. Alone, we are helpless. But together, you, me, the magna populorum, and my vehement propaganda, we will unmake and make the world. I would like to write some vehement propaganda. I would like it to be widely read and influential.

TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS, FAMILY, HEALTH AND WORK.

I am also thankful that tomorrow we can all once again start taking everything for granted.

# TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR GENERAL DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER

General Eisenhower was the Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces in Europe, and I don't know about you, but I think that is one kick-ass job description.

As a boy growing up in Kansas, Eisenhower converted a small barn into a makeshift laboratory, where he invented the Internet, the National Highway System, and NASA. Young Dwight was a childhood friend of Clark Kent and Dorothy Gale.

But then, a threat emerged in Europe, and our three young friends joined the army, fighting the Nazis and having adventures. Who can forget the stirring images of Eisenhower, Superman and Dorothy Gale leading the charge onto the beaches of Normandy?

Finally, on April 30th 1945, Eisenhower tracked Das Feuer to the Berlin bunker and killed Adolf Hitler after an exhausting shirtless knife fight while a terrified Eva Braun looked on. It ended with Eisenhower slowly pushing his Bowie knife into a wheezing Hitler. Eisenhower said. "Shhh, shh. It will be over soon. Shhhh." Hitler's disgraceful last words were, " Ich habe gerade gekackt ein wenig." ("I just pooped a little.") With this knife fight, Eisenhower won World War II, launching the careers of a both Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg.

On his Internet blog, IKE'S PLACE, Eisenhower warned: "In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist." And we totally guarded against that, and whew, we dodged a bullet on that one. No misplaced power here. No way.

He once punched Joseph McCarthy in the face and said, "Cool it with the witch hunt stuff man, this is America."

Eisenhower had absolutely nothing to do with 1953 coup in Iran and all of its unintended consequences. Nope.

Moving on: He proclaimed that, "Blacks and whites should be able to go to school together. Stop being such racist dicks you guys," and everyone was like, "General Eisenhower killed Hitler, we better do what he says," and so ended racism.

After WWII, General Eisenhower was Army Chief of Staff for Harry S. Truman, but after killing Hitler, ending racism, averting the police state, and inventing the Internet, being a "Chief of Staff" was a letdown. "I used to be Supreme Allied Commander, by comparison, this sucks," so he pursued his destiny and went on to become the 13th President of Columbia University.

# TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR VARIOUS MEATS AND CHEESES!

The only thing better than bacon is more bacon. I am thankful for Ham. Hamburger. Steak. Salisbury steak. Sausage. Sausage links with bacon. Salmon. Those red circles on pizza. Fish sticks. Catfish. Chicken. Large chicken (known as LC, or turkey). Fried chicken. Chicken nuggets. Buffalo. Buffalo wings. Pork roast. The various meats found in various chilies and stews. Bacon.

I am thankful for cheese. Aged cheese, American cheese, Swiss cheese. I am thankful for the shredded and wheeled cheeses. Also the various wedges of fancy aged cheese.

I am thankful that various meats and cheeses can be combined to make various foods, like cheeseburgers, pizzas, and various lasagnas. Sometimes various meats and cheeses can be placed in a basket, and given as a tasty gift. They can be placed gently on crackers (even saltines!), and the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Various meats and cheeses later went on to become our 34^th President. 

# TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR BRUCE, THE GROCERY CART GUY

I am thankful for Bruce, the guy who brings in the grocery carts at the supermarket where food comes from. He is always cheerful. He always greets everybody with "HI, THANKS FOR COMING BY" or "HAVE A NICE DAY," or sends them off with a "COME AGAIN SOON," or "THANKS FOR SHOPPING" or some variation like that. He's very enthusiastic. He's there every day. He's got a bit of a limp. He seems mentally challenged, but I don't know, I could be wrong. Thing is, he's happy doing what he's doing, he's as dependable as an atomic clock, and I'm just glad he's there. At first, I found him annoying. STOP BEING SO GOD DAMNED CHEERFUL, I would scream at him (in my mind), but now I wouldn't have it any other way. We need more people like Bruce, and less people who don't even bother to put their carts back in those collection racks because they're too busy being "successful" and "busy" and "fulfilled," or whatever self-centered bullshit they're up to. Bruce is everything good and hopeful in this world. Unstressed by the news, or politics, or "the economy," he lives his life day to day. What bliss. He alone is immune to the bullshit churned in overactive brains. What merciful disregard for all of the dumb things that nag at us. Here is an example of a kindhearted soul. Bruce should be in charge. Not a cruel thought in his head. Here is compassion and wisdom. He minds his own business. He cares about others. Collecting shopping carts when he should robed and revered as a holy man. He should sit on a throne, and people would come to him and say, "Bruce, tell us your wisdom," and he would say, "Be nice."

He would later go on to become our 34th President.

# TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR FRUIT LOOPS AND CARTOONS

Today is Saturday, and that means sugary cereal, footie pajamas, and violent cartoons! I am thankful for sugar, harvested by machete in the cane fields of Hawaii, and the corn flour blend fields of Nebraska, where corn flour blend plants stand taller than a man for miles and miles. I am thankful for the whole grain yellow corn flour paddies of Asia, and the degerminated yellow corn flour mines of Moria, where degerminated yellow corn flour is mined by the stoic dwarves of Middle Earth. I am thankful for wheat flour from Kansas, and whole grain oat flour from the whole grain trees of Florida. I am thankful for oat fiber from the Hanging Oat Flour Gardens of Babylon, and soluble corn fiber, harvested by the corn fiber divers of Japan: a corn fiber diver of Japan can stay underwater for seven or eight minutes at a time. 

I am thankful for the hydrogenated vegetable oil drillers of Texas, who drill thousands of feet below the earth to extract this precious resource. I am thankful for salt, collected by following absentminded girls on rainy days. I am thankful for "red 40", painstakingly harvested through backbreaking labor by immigrant workers under harsh conditions from the beautiful yet deadly red 40 poinsettias. I am thankful for Natural Flavor, which is the indefinable essence brought into being by meditating monks in Tibetan temples. Natural Flavor is collected like dew from the low ceilings of their solitary cells, and carted down mountain trails by Sherpas in handcrafted glass bottles with cork stoppers inscribed with mysterious koans. I am thankful for Blue 2, extracted from the ice below Superman's Fortress of Solitude by Intuit villagers rowing outrigger canoes. I am thankful for turmeric color, mined from the surface of the planet mars by blind robots that worship a forgotten god. I am thankful for yellow 6, rubbed patiently from the Lotus flowers of Nepal by virgin Buddhist nuns. 

I am thankful for annatto color, which is dreamed by four Precogs floating in a nutritional bath in a futuristic police headquarters. The elusive annatto color is captured by computer and converted from digital to analog signal, which is then scraped from the solder joints of circuit boards within the Metabase computer. Annatto color isn't actually a physical thing, but a concept brought forth by complicated algorithms within the Metabase, a byproduct of pre-crime screening. Annatto color is very rare, difficult to harvest, and you should be damned lucky it is in your Fruit Loops, for which I am thankful. God Bless America. I am thankful for blue 1, which is scraped from the surface of blueberries by Army widowers, and mixed with their tears to enhance flavor. 

And finally, I am thankful for BHT, as everyone knows, is Butylated hydroxytoluene, also known as butylhydroxytoluene, is a lipophilic organic compound, chemically a derivative of phenol, that is useful for its antioxidant properties. European and U.S. regulations allow small percentages to be used as a food additive. While there may be some dispute in BHT's use in the human diet, the chemical is widely used in industry wherever oxidation in fluids (e.g. fuel, oil) and other materials must be treated, and free radicals must be kept in check and I totally did not just cut and paste that last part from Wikipedia. BHT was developed in the childhood laboratory of our 34^th President.

TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR THE INTERSTATE HIGHWAY SYSTEM

Without our Interstate Highway System, there would be no Smoky and The Bandit. Smoky and The Bandit launched the career of a fresh-faced former Nun named Sally Field. Jackie Gleason was great in that movie. If you don't remember the line, "Daddy, the top came off!" you're missing out on a great movie line. Plus, with our Highway system, you can drive all over the place. Texas. You could drive to Texas. Or Washington (the state or the capital) or any of the other states. Construction was authorized in 1956, and ya'll know what that means: It is the brainchild of our 34^th President. So DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency ) created the Internet, which led to Google Maps. And the Internet Highway System is INSIDE GOOGLE MAPS, which is INSIDE THE INTERNET. Mind. Blown. And you are reading this ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB instead of from a Xeroxed paper in a coffee shop (with no WIFI) in the early nineties. You are welcome. 

# TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR SLEEP.

When everyone sleeps, the combined weight of billions of heavy eyelids pulls the sun down, and that's why we sleep at night, or that’s why it is night while we sleep. Science doesn't know. Sleep researchers say stuff, I suppose, but I'm too lazy to look that up right now.

If everyone stayed awake at the same time, all of the open eyes would use up all the sunlight, and the sun would burn out, and no one wants that. The stars shine for those who stand the watches of the ungodly hours, and those who fret and lie awake and yearn for the solace of sleep.

I am thankful for the one thing we all agree on, besides breathing and food: sleep. CEOs and drifters are equalized for a few hours. Their material things are equally uselessness. Muslims, Christians and Jews, all believe, for a few hours, nothing, and are at peace. No one is so busy, hateful, or stupid to not sleep.

I am thankful for the death rehearsal.
I am thankful for the ultimate peace before the ultimate peace.
I am thankful for the innocence of unconsciousness.
I am thankful for temporary oblivion before permanent oblivion.
I am thankful for sleep. The universal reset. The snuggled snooze of billions of temporarily harmless souls.

When we dream, our relaxed brains pick up the thoughts of people on the other side of the planet because of gravity and earthworms, and that's how thoughts are recycled, so we do some of the stuff people ran out of time for on the other side of the earth. But what about the excess dreams? The moon acts as a sponge to soak up all the dreams. That's why there are dark spots on the moon. Those are dreams. The moon is held up by dreams, and it scoots—moved by the same force that moves Ouija board thingies—to the edge of the sky at some point because the sun is waiting to come up, and they have this awkward thing (they used to date) so she hides whenever he shows up, although everybody thinks they should get back together, but—oh, it's a whole thing, I'm not going to rehash it—so anyway, the story is that the moon goes down to make room for the sun. When you see the moon during the day, that means somebody is taking a nap and slacking off!

By now you're wondering, what does this have to do with our 34th President? Well, as you know, in the 1950s, everything was in black and white. (That's why photos from that time are black and white. duh) and we dreamed in color. Well not anymore. Not after our 34th President. Coincidence? You decide.

TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR SALTINE CRACKERS

Saltine crackers are delicious. They are good under sardines, smoked oysters, little squares of cheese, ham, jalapeno peppers, and peanut butter. The "manna from heaven," in the bible was packages of saltines. The "ambrosia," in Greek mythology was also saltine crackers. Saltine crackers have thirteen holes in them. Saltines later went on to become our 34^th President.

TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR THE HIVEMIND

The Hivemind is everywhere. It watches us. It connects us. It keeps us safe. It sells us products. It fixes our spelling. It forgives our bad grammar. It shortens our focus. It guesses our intentions. It predicts our actions. It helps us remember birthdays. With the Hivemind, we are never alone. We think about it when we are not participating in it, and we bask in its glow when we connect with it. It gives us a feeling of accomplishment. The Hivemind was developed in the sixties. When someone "likes" something we have done, it stimulates the nucleus accumbens,[1] and who doesn't want the nucleus accumbens stimulated? Am I right ladies? And gentlemen? lol.

It gave us "lol."

With the Hivemind, all information is accessible. Communication is instantaneous. We are all one with the Hivemind. The Hivemind is safe, non addictive, and provides accurate, non-biased information at all times. The Hivemind is the brainchild of our 34^th President. *

-------------------

1.  http://healthland.time.com/2013/08/31/this-is-your-brain-on-facebook/

* by pure coincidence, this is sort of true.

# TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR "EVERYTHING SUBTLE, COMPLEX, ABSTRACT, AND PROFOUND"

I am thankful for a thousand forgotten Thursdays. I am thankful for unobserved dew covered spider webs on spring mornings near dilapidated barns. I am thankful for routing tables, IP addresses, the unrecorded thoughts of Shakespearean characters, the question of existence vs. non-existence, and medieval drawings of imaginary creatures. I am thankful for unheard trees falling in remote forests. I am thankful for languages I won't know, religions I won't follow, and various kinds of welding. I am thankful for engineering and medicine. I am thankful for the violins in the song "Kashmir." I am thankful for the sighs of aging strangers on distant continents. Empty sunlit afternoon sidewalks. I am thankful for untaken photographs and the airy space in the lower boughs of well formed trees. The unspoken names of all the sparrows in the world. I am thankful that somewhere, someone is being born who I will never know, who will live out a complex, unique life and never know that you or I or anyone reading this ever existed. I am thankful for the smell of library books. I am thankful for weekday waves on deserted Caribbean beaches. I am thankful for questions about free will and determinism. I am thankful for the Latin terms for rare medical conditions. I am thankful for slide rules, multiplication tables, old tide charts, almanacs, and forgotten hand-silhouette turkeys in Big Chief tablets. I am thankful for the pretentious hackwork of listing unrelated things, and the calculated cowardice of false humility. I am thankful for half remembered phrases of classical music. I am thankful for the souls of forgotten spreadsheets and the sad memories of empty filing cabinets. I am thankful for dust motes in sunbeams in for-lease office spaces. I am thankful for the forgotten chance genius of drunks and stoners. I am thankful for solitary nuns in desolate suburban afternoon churches. I am thankful for thirty-year-old copies of TV Guide in abandoned Arizona desert doublewide trailers. I am thankful for the olfactory scheme of dogs, the Dewey Decimal System, and scientific discoveries that will happen a thousand years from today. I am thankful for comedy sketches yet unwritten. I am thankful for unwanted glass knick-knacks in Goodwill and Salvation Army stores. I am thankful for new music I will never appreciate. I am thankful for changing fashion and geologic time. I am thankful for esoteric terms used by pompous wine tasters. I am thankful for Euclidean geometry and the Earth's rotation. I am thankful for tinnitus and the DNA damage theory of aging. I am thankful for the New York Stock Exchange, solar flares, and whatever is beyond observable space. I am thankful for the failures and achievements our 34^th President. I am thankful for quiet moments of contemplation happening everywhere. I am thankful for "everything subtle, complex, abstract and profound." I am thankful for the countless things and unthings for which I am unaware that I should be thankful.

-----------------------

Full disclosure: the phrase "everything subtle, complex, abstract and profound" is lifted directly from the Epilogue of a book:

Dobelli, Rolf. The Art of Thinking Clearly. New York, Harper Collins, 2013. Print 

TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR "CALLING IT IN"

Today I am thankful for not having to be over the top every day. Sometimes you can't always bring your "A" game, you know? Sometimes you just need to take it easy and coast a little. It's a long month. Gotta pace yourself. I'm thankful for being able to "half-ass" it once in awhile, and no one really noticing. Don't want to burn out halfway through. You know who else knew this? Our 34th President.

TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR CHICKEN

Chicken comes from stores and restaurants, and can be found in various shapes and configurations. Nugget chickens are raised at various smaller stores that sell hot food. I am thankful for chicken because chicken is the default "meat" taste. When viewing sporting events, chicken becomes naturally spicy. Chicken is an important part of the food triangle. Chicken is important to me because without chickens, we would have no eggs. Without eggs, there would be no scrambled eggs, or cake, or scrambled cake. Also, I am thankful for eggs, because without eggs, there would be no chicken, and without chicken, there wouldn't be LARGE CHICKEN (LC) otherwise known by its street name, "turkey." No turkey, no Thanksgiving. Also, chicken went on to become our 34th President.

TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU!

Why? Because you have a great need for other people to like and admire you. You have a tendency to be critical of yourself. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them. Disciplined and self-controlled outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You pride yourself as an independent thinker and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic. Security is one of your major goals in life. You went on to become our 34th President.

I am also thankful for the Forer Effect.

War Stuff for Freedom or Whatever

This Veterans day, lets not stop at honoring Vets who have already dealt with War Bullshit; lets be sure in the fact that some asshole in a suit somewhere is cooking up some new War Bullshit, so our children and eventually, their children will get to deal with some War Bullshit. It'll probably involve getting oil or China or something. Then we'll convince ourselves it was totally worth it. And then they'll make movies about it and do ceremony stuff before sporting events. For freedom or whatever.

TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR FIRE

Bob Newhart, our 34th
President, established
the Fire Dept. System.

"Fire Good!" Even the Frankenstein monster finally realized that fire is good. Without fire, it would be winter both outside AND inside, and no one wants that. Fire was invented in 1933 by Nikola Tesla in response to the rising threat of Communism.

Today we use fire for many useful pastimes, such as cooking, home heating, and the combustion engine. During the Fire Embargo of the 1970s, fire shortages crippled the economy, and this led the Newhart Administration to establish the Fire Department System, which endures to this day.

# TODAY I AM THANKFUL FOR AIR!

Without air, there would be no Wright Brothers, because an airplane works because of differential air pressure on a wing foil as it passes through air. No Wright Bros., no airplanes. No airplanes, no Fantasy Island. No Fantasy Island, no Hervé Villechaize saying "De Plane! De Plane!" I don't want to live in a world where that didn't happen.

Air: without air, we would all have to wear spacesuits. I wouldn't want to live in a world where we all wore spacesuits. Plus, Hervé Villechaize in a tiny spacesuit is horrifying.

Not only that, there would be no movie, "The Boy In The Plastic Bubble," (he wouldn't need a bubble, he would always be in a spacesuit) That movie in turn inspired the "Bubble Boy" episode on Seinfeld. That was hilarious! "Moops?"

None of that would have happened, and even if it had happened, it would have happened in spacesuits. Not as awesome.

And anyway, giving everyone spacesuits wouldn't even work, because there would be nothing to refill the air tanks with, so we would die.

Can you imagine? A landscape filled with spacesuits, which would in turn be filled with human skeletons? The malls filled with spacesuit-wearing skeletons, hospital nurseries with basinets filled with tiny skeletons in tiny spacesuits, lifeless old-folks' homes with wheelchairs full of lifeless spacesuit-wearing skeletons, and highways filled with wrecked cars, which in turn would contain space-suited human skeletons, mold growing on the surface of their Starbucks Lattes. Think about it. Now you're thankful for air, huh?

With no air, there would be no early sailing ships. {no wind ya'all} No early sailing ships, no pilgrims, and NO THANKGIVING!

{mind blown}

And even if we had managed to have a Thanksgiving in our rudimentary space suits, we could never have given smallpox-infected blankets to the Indians, because the smallpox would never kill them because they would always be wearing their Indian spacesuits, so they would have eventually wiped us out with their plasma rifles. (They wouldn't have arrows, because arrows are made of wood, and can a tree grow in a vacuum? I think not. Think these things through people!)

No, it would be nothing but herds of spacesuit-wearing buffalo and spacesuit-wearing Indians riding spacesuit-wearing horses.

Nope, I don't want to live in that world. So today I am thankful for Air.

A LIGHTHEARTED TAKE ON LEAF BLOWERS:

I am against the use of military drones within the borders of the United States, with one exception:

People using leaf blowers.

I know this sounds harsh, but the 2nd Amendment covers the right to keep firearms, and although thousands of people lose their lives to gun violence every year, people have the right, so whatever. It doesn't cover leaf blowers, because our founding fathers knew that leaf blowers were fucking horrible.

I'm glad I don't own a firearm, because if I did, I would walk over and shoot that motherfucker right in his fucking face.

Leaf blowers? Leaf blowers are an abomination. I hope there is a special place in hell for people who use their awful, noisy, stupid leaf blowers on what would otherwise be a peaceful, beautiful fall Saturday morning.

Guess what I'm listening to, right now, as I type this? Some lazy-ass, no good, fucked up neighbor of mine, running his god-damned leaf blower.

Use a rake you lazy-ass motherfucker.

Please NSA, please read this and put together a comprehensive security plan that would allow military drones to tomahawk missile these motherfuckers and their leaf-blowers straight to hell. Leave a god-damned smoking crater in their fucking yard, where the gently falling leaves can quietly accumulate over the years.

Motherfucker.

for the record: I would never shoot or otherwise harm in any way anybody, ever. this is a writing exercise. Jesus Christ.

doug discovers a new "feature" on his phone

"CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
"Yes, I can hear you."
"DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS FEATURE?"
"Yes, it's always been able to do this."
"IT'S LIKE TEXTING, BUT WITH TALKING INSTEAD OF TYPING."
"I know, it's a ph—"
"DID YOU KNOW IT COULD DO THIS THE WHOLE TIME?"
"It's a phone Doug. That's what it was designed to—"
"BUT JUST TALKING! IT'S SO EASY! OH MAN, I GOT TO GO, I'LL TEXT YOU SOME MORE."

#38 A POEM ABOUT FALLING ASLEEP

Falling asleep,
The heavy-lidded
Cotton brain
Of half-formed
Random thoughts—
The gravitational pull
Of a perfectly-sized
Planet
On half-helpless
Lazy bones.
The book
Half-fallen in slackening hands—
The flinch
Of half-dreamt stumbles
And imagined falls—
The cloistered night
Brings singing frogs
Or oscillating fans—
Invisible dogs
In distant barking
Moonlight-gilded streets—
The black-grass
Vacant front-yard distant highways—
Falling asleep—
The deathlike slumbered
Nighttime dreaming cities—
Nocturnal thoughtscapes
Loaming through the midnight—
Death's cousin nightly
Pours through sleepy eyes
Two grains apiece
The countless sands of time.

#37 Two Bathtubs

Two bathtubs,
Two bathtubs,
Why do they sit,
In two bathtubs?

Is there water in there?
Do they wear underwear?
Do they wear swimming suits?
Or hold hands in the nude?

Do they leave the tubs out,
When they aren't using them?
Does the plumbing connect,
So to fill them again?

Does the sun always set,
When they get in their tubs?
Will this marketing work,
When they're pushing their drugs?

My Short Story Collection, Free Kindle Download This Week

My short story collection, Firewood for Cannibals, is available as a free Kindle download this week.

Here's the link:  http://amzn.com/B003HS4UMQ


And here's the cover:
 

The Bizaro Beatitudes.

I can't believe we let Russia soften our Military Force Boner. As a nation, we need to threaten to bring peace to somebody, with precise Tomahawk missile surgical strikes, all the time. A virile and relevant nation must always threaten to attack other nations, always, otherwise that nation looks weak. And the one nation that can never look weak is the United States, because, hey, we aren't weak! "You want to fight? You think we're weak? I could beat you guys up. Because look at these missiles!  Look at these drones! Freedom and liberty you guys!"

There is no other way to do business, or solve problems, other than precision bombing in undeclared wars, for freedom.

It just feels kind of empty and quiet, without bellicose threatening of other countries, for freedom. It would be a shame to have all of these jets and stuff without using them on some heathen country that doesn't love Jesus.  Because remember how we interpret what Jesus said:
-----------
Blessed are the strong in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who win, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the proud, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who bomb and murder after righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciless, for they shall be shown mercy.

Blessed are the hard of heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the war makers, for they will be called the sons of God.

Blessed are those who persecute because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people fear you, are persecuted by you and are not allowed to say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

Be wrathful and vengeful, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

(the preceding is sarcasm, just for the record)

# I CONFESS: I TOOK 16 ITEMS THROUGH THE '12 ITEM OR LESS' LINE

I did the deed with eyes downcast; I rolled my tiny cart into the 12 Items or Less line, and silently counted my items: 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. It was Saturday morning, and the supermarket was very busy. I looked across at the other check lanes, and they were all full of carts that were all full of goods; normally I would have gone to another lane, but so busy! I wasn't about to move.

But the shame. The shame of it. All my life, I've scoffed at those who would scoff at the orderly lining up of customers. I used to count, with a glowing sense of satisfaction, as the person in front of me would put their items on the belt. I would count. "Oh, thirteen items, eh," I would think, and then I'd feel that smug sense of self-righteousness as I recounted my ten items. Well below the limit.

But today: There I was with sixteen items. Four past the limit. I could have done with two less cans of soup. That would have put me at fourteen. The bag of chips? The jar of salsa? Those weren't even on my list. I could have squeaked in at twelve items, but no.

The old man behind me had two items. I could see it in his eyes. He knew. He was judging me. I had 16 items.

And as the checkout guy beeped across my items. 1...2...3... and eventually, the twelfth  beep: thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, SIXTEEN. Each beep announcing that here was a villain who couldn't follow the rules. Here stood a proud, conceited man who thought he was too important to wait in line with everyone else.

Burning with shame, I swiped my card, unable to muster even the courage to get cash back. I put my plastic bags in the cart and fled, and then:

"Sir!"

I turned. The checkout guy held up a plastic bag, like an accusation. I had forgotten a bag. I had so many. In the express lane! So many that my greed and prideful disdain for the rule of law had made me forget. I slinked back and got the last bag.

Oh! Shall I ever show my face again? For shame! For shame!

#94 FREEDOM OIL

freedom, oil

freedom, oil

freedom, freedom, freedom

oil

war, war, lots of war,

freedomfreedomfreedom_oil

war, war, terror, war,

freedomFreedomFreedomOil

war, terror, boom, boom, boom,

freedom, oil, war.

pie.

Meatless Thursdays

"Oh, no thank you, I don't eat meat on Thursdays. It's against my religion."

"What religion is that?"

"This new one I'm making up as I go along. It changes day to day, but today I don't eat meat on Thursdays."

#36 Something Written @ 6 AM:

Hello Gremlings, Lo: the threefast gripbooks sand the furthing. All creptpast sleeps do rumble through the gloamer. Earl-morning night bugs pray-sing twighlight creepings. All dream lore whisper-crinkle echoes fading.

Past doozing-slumber, hum of distant highway, on truck stop pavement dirt-grass cricket sloaming.

All sleepy shelf-stock shambling clock-bound watchmen, all blink-red empty intersection stoplights.

New daybreak sky-glow twinkling star-sky coolness. All coffee-clasping glow-screen web page gazers, All yawning daytime sleepy-morning shavers.

Awake. Awake the earth-turned toward the center, Awake the morning traffic making travelers, Awake the lost soul idle, useless seekers, reluctant students, craftsmen, slaves, kings and beggars all. Awake, awake, awake, the morning call.

# THE CORBOMITE MANEUVER, STAR TREK 1966

Oh my God, you guys, yesterday I was watching Star Trek, and the Enterprise was just cruising along, doing star mapping, and Spock was like, "prepare to photograph," and they were just taking pictures of stars and stuff, and then all of the sudden, George Takei was like, "object approaching," and the RED ALERT went off, and then this spinning cube comes up right in their grill, and Spock was like, "Captain Kirk to the bridge," but Kirk was on this weird exercise bike in sickbay, and Dr. McCoy ignored the red light, but then Kirk saw it and he was all walking around the ship without his shirt on. Kirk was like, "does anybody know what this is?" and they were all like, "I don't know," and Scotty was like, "I have no idea how it works, it's just a cube." So then, they try to get around the cube, but it kept following them, and then it started getting closer and Mr. Spock was like, "Oh no, the radiation is really bad," and they tried to get away, and one guy, the navigator, Bailey, was freaking out, and he was like, "let's shoot it," and Kirk said, "cool it mister," and then Spock was like, "the radiation is really bad you guys!" and then Kirk says, "lock phasers," and they shot it.

So then they were like, "Do we keep going on mapping and stuff?" and then the Yeoman brings Kirk a salad, cause Dr. McCoy had put Kirk on a diet, and then there's another red alert, this time a HUGE glowing sphere is in front of them, and a voice says, "I AM BALOK, COMMANDER OF THE FESARIUS, I'M GONNA BLOW YOU GUYS UP FOR DESTROYING THAT WARNING BUOY YOU GUYS! PRAY OR WHATEVER, YOU HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES" and then everybody's freaking out, Sulu keeps saying, like "eight minutes," and they can't move or do anything, and Bailey freaks out so bad that Kirk throws him off the bridge. Then they get "visual" contact, and Balok is a blue freaky looking alien with a giant head. I was so scared you guys! And they can't think of anything to do, Kirk asks Spock what he thinks and Spock says, "we're checkmated man, it's over," and then McCoy comes in, for some reason, even though they have five minutes to live, and starts complaining about how Kirk treated Bailey, and they argue and Kirk's like, "don't bluff me," and then he gets an idea: he says, "it isn't chess, it's poker!" and then he tells Balok that the ship is made of Carbomite, (it isn't) and the ship will reflect any energy back to Balok's ship and destroy them both if Balok blows up the ship. Then the countdown continues, but Balok doesn't blow up the ship, then Balok says, "okay, fine, I'm taking you to my planet, where you'll be prisoners," so Balok puts the Enterprise in a tractor beam with a tiny ship, but it overloads Balok's ship, and then Balok sends a distress signal, and then McCoy is like, "screw that guy, let's get out of here," but Kirk is like, "what's our mission?" and he takes Bailey with him, and they beam over to Balok's ship, and it turns out that the Balok they saw was just a puppet, but it was really a kid, played by Ron Howard's brother who says, "I was just testing you guys! HA HA HA HA!" And then they have orange juice, and Bailey stayed with him for a while as an exchange program, and then he gives them a tour of his tiny ship, and they were all friends. So anyway, it was a pretty good show. So don't give up, or whatever.

generic writing

Behind the office buildings, where Fuller meets our road, there is a copse of towering trees, cottonwoods, which sing in any breeze that might stir. The office building is brown brick, with beige rock above and below narrow windows. Two story brick cubes, with a parking lot one-quarter full. The cottonwoods are very tall. Behind and around the parking lot is all manner of crowded underbrush, bushes, ferns, trees and so forth.

There is a bit of brown wood privacy fence running across the back lot.

#35 Tigers @ Royals July 20 2013

Verlander wasn't Verlander today,
But KC's pitcher Guthrie didn't shine,
With lots of fly balls popped up into play,
And Billy Butler splitting through the pine.

Verlander had an error in the first,
They had a passed ball later in the third,
He pitched around Butler with two outs,
Against JV Butler hits really well.

By the fourth inning, it was all tied up,
Cause Salvador Perez drove in two runs.
The Royals loaded the bases in the Fourth
With no one out, Verlander needed help.

Santiago caught a hard line drive,
Caine scored, Getz beat the double play at first.
Verlander loads the bases once again,
By walking Gordon after a full count.

He walked Mustakas to walk in a run,
With bases loaded, that was not too good,
Chris Getz twisted his ankle in the fifth,
And Hosner fell and didn't make the tag.

Avila's double ties it up five-five,
Muostakas homers, making it six-five.
Billy Butler's beef was accurate,
The ball did hit the ground off his foul tip.

Smyly retired the side, like one-two-three,
But Holland, the Royals closer, was too good.
Martinez thought he had a tying homer,
But it fell short, and so the Tigers lost.

Wrote another Zen book

Hey now! I wrote another Zen book. You can order it here, if you like: http://amzn.com/1490936688

#68 Oh Beloved Coffee Maker!

Oh Beloved Coffee Maker!
You stand the watches of the night,
While stars do spectacle vast inky heavens,
And rosy-fingered dawn doth make the sky blood red,
Thou stands the watches of the night and early morn.

Oh Beloved Coffee Maker!
Loyal subject, who waits on me
With patient servitude,
Who brings me back to life,
Hence from slumbers, where I take respite.

Oh Beloved Coffee Maker!
What foul and loathsome beast
I would become, if thou did not
Redeem me to a better state,
And all the shrieking fiends of Hell
Wouldst cower before me,
If your fidelity, broken, left me bereft.

Peace! Oh growling spirit
That within my hollow form dost stir,
This is the Coffee, the Heaven's Brew
That comes from warmer climes,
That brings peace to a warlike soul,
And fosters there sweet humanity.

Bring forth thy soothing balm:
It soothes me,
It awakens me,
It opens my eyes,
And upon this haggard visage
Brings a semblance of peace.

Oh Beloved Coffee Maker,
Thou hast redeemed me.
I raise another cup.
I raise another cup.
Oh Beloved Coffee Maker.

DOG WALKING TIPS:

When walking your dog, put two Snickers bars (wrapped) in a white plastic grocery bag. It looks like you picked up dog poop, but really, they're just two snickers bars. Then if your dog poops, PRETEND to pick up the poop. It will look like you are a responsible dog owner, when really, you are inconsiderate and lazy. After the walk, enjoy a Snickers bar!

"Paunchy Mimes"

Here are some titles for bands, movies, plays, or books that will never be used, featuring "Paunchy Mimes."

1. Paunchy Mimes
2. Valley of The Paunchy Mimes
3. Attack of The Paunchy Mimes
4. Waiting Room Filled With Paunchy Mimes
5. Hairless Paunchy Mimes
6. Shirtless Paunchy Mimes
7. Pantless Paunchy Mimes
8. Rest Stop of Paunchy Mimes
9. I Was Saliva-Swabbed at The Police Checkpoint of Paunchy Mimes
10. Home Alone With Drunken Paunchy Mimes
11. Paunchy Mimes Al Qaeda Shark Attack
12. Paunchy Mimes Vaccine

#69 Cradle to Grave

Cradle to grave,
Cradle to grave,
Everyone hurries from
Cradle to grave.

Cut them some slack,
That's how they behave,
As everyone hurries
From cradle to grave.

An Evening with Ray Bradbury 2001

# THE ICE CREAM CATS OF ANTIOCH

The Ice Cream Cats of Antioch bore down on our cities in their silver ships. Merciless, clear-eyed, and silent, they were precise in their attacks on our infrastructure. They quickly took down power plants, bridges, military installations, and highways. As an extra warning, they took down exactly one hundred water towers: a demonstration of both their power, and their restraint.

How quickly mankind capitulated when faced with the overwhelming power of the Ice Cream Cats.  Then came the humiliating signing of surrender at the UN. The Ice Cream Cats said nothing. Aloof, looking bored, they collected the signatures of world leaders, and then returned to their silver ships. Thus began the reign of the Ice Cream Cats of Antioch.

Venn Diagrams