The Salmon of Doubt

Today I invoked DSL connectivity to a garage downtown. Tomorrow I will put on the anti-virus software. I predict that in about a week I will end up going back to clean up all the spyware they got from dudes downloading wicked porn on the sly.

Today I chopped wood. Today I bought stamps.

I've been reading The Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams. for those of you who don't know, (shame! shame I say) Douglas Adams wrote The Hichhiker's Guide to The Galaxy. The Salmon of Doubt, published after his death, is a collection of essays and articles he wrote over his career. It's great reading. Better than the Hichhiker's series, I think.

Anywhooo, I'm sweating my naughty bits off because I was out in the humidity chopping wood.

Air Conditioner update: it's working fine, now that it's thawed out.

traffic accident. magic ambulance.

Weird morning all the way around.

My first call today was to repair a receipt printer at the Zales jewelry store at Rivertown Mall. That involves a jaunt down I96. It was raining kind of hard, and traffic was heavy. So I’m tooling along in the slow lane, minding my own damn bidness, when this Semi changes lanes from the right lane to the left lane, cutting off a small blue car that was already in the left lane.

And so the fishtailing begins for the little blue car. It started out with a wobble to the right, a wobble to the left, etc., slowly getting more and more severe until it was perpendicular to traffic facing right, then the other way facing left, and then it. It seems like it took forever, and the entire time I’m slowing down nice and easy thinking “please don’t let me get caught up in the crash, I got shit to do.”

But the blue car, magically, doesn’t hit any other car, and it careens off the highway and down the embankment.

So I pull over and hit the hazard button. I check the mirror. Didn’t want to lose my door to the highway traffic tearing down the slick, rainy road. I get out and run across the two lanes of highway and down through the high wet weeds and the blue car is at the bottom of the ditch, front end crumpled against a tree.

I have the cell phone out and dial 911

I tap on the window, and this girl is just bawling her eyes out, her face is all cried-up and red, she’s shaking and holding her cell phone. She opens the door and says, “The truck cut me off,” and she’s bawling. I tell ask her if she’s okay and she says her shoulder hurts. I tell her I’m calling for help and wonder why it’s taking so long for them to answer the friggin’ phone.

Then I remember to hit “Send,” and my hands are shaking, even though she obviously isn’t hurt, I realize that while I can tell everything will be fine, this poor young woman thinks she almost died. She’s not hysterical, but she’s got that little girl scaredy voice, like she’s trying real hard not to cry, and I tell her she’ll be okay.

So the operator asks what the emergency is, and I tell her there’s been an accident on I96 west, and the operator informs me that I96 is a long highway, could she get a little information like, mile marker or exit?

I have no idea. I had been listening to XM radio “Chill” station just vegetating and driving when the whole fishtail dance started two car-lengths ahead of me. So I climb the embankment and look for a mile-marker. There’s one about twenty or thirty yards down the road, but like a jackass, I left my glasses in the car and I have no idea what the fuzzy shapes on the little sign say.

Cell phone to ear, I’m running down the shoulder until the fuzzy white shapes pull themselves together enough to say “72” I tell the operator.

So I run back down the embankment, and I ask the girl how her shoulder is, and she says she thinks she’s not hurt. I ask her name and she says “Becky,” and tell her everything is going to be fine, she’d not hurt, and help is on the way. I look up and the ambulance is already there, backing up on the shoulder, as if by magic. I swear three minutes didn’t pass between the accident and the ambulance getting there.

I go halfway up the embankment and meet the ambulance drivers. I asked if they needed me to hang around, and he says no, so I leave.

I go to the mall with soaking wet pants and boots covered with weed stuff, and I fix the receipt printer.

I am such a big friggin hero.

four funny audio clips (clean!)

Thanks to Barry for sending these links via Electronic Mail Message! enjoy.
These are pretty tame by today's standards, but funny.

http://www.paulgilmartin.com/poems/ramfiles/SisterJoan.ram

http://www.paulgilmartin.com/poems/ramfiles/timthediehard.ram

http://www.paulgilmartin.com/poems/ramfiles/CircusLove.ram

http://www.paulgilmartin.com/poems/ramfiles/Undignified.ram

I am the Neglector!

So far this year, my neglect to detail has cost me the underground sprinkler system, (I didn’t drain it, it froze and broke the pipes. I think anyway, I don’t have the courage to turn them on and check. Maybe we’ll get a lot of rain this year) and now, I didn’t change the air filter in the air-conditioner, and the thing froze over. It’s friggin hot outside, and we have to wait two days for the AC to defrost. It’s a solid block of ice downstairs. I discovered the filter myself, after running for two days and freezing it. I have a buddy who services AC and heating systems, and he told me to let it thaw out. So we have no AC for two days because I am a very primitive primate. Intelligent design my ass.

I went golfing this morning with Brian, Jay, and Sid. Great times. I didn’t golf so well, but had a good time nonetheless. We went to BW3s after, and I had a grilled chicken sandwich and a beer.

After that, it was chillin’ in the pool.

Thanks. No.

Thanks. No. tired of getting all those dumb-ass Fwd: emails and "virus warnings?" Just send them a link to ThanksNo.com, hopefully they'll get a clue. Of course, I'm not talking about you :)

pool filling season again

pool filling season again
Originally uploaded by danmanning2001.

Yes, once again, it's time to set up the portable pond and fill er up. School ends in a week, and I'm ready. In other news, I propigated dial-up goodness to all cusomers today. I picked up dog poop. Tomorrow I may in fact mow the lawn.

this post has no title.

tried, and failed to read Douglas Adam's "Mostly Harmless". It was craptastic. wrote some filler for the local newspaper about crap on the internet. emailed it to the editor. heard nothing. i have horrible sinus congestion, due to pollen. Took some medicine, now feel like crap. girls are singing "everybody's working for the weekend . . ." in high-falsetto operatic voices. i'm not sure how this is happening. not sure where they heard a Loverboy song that was a hit in 1981, fifteen years before either one of them were born.

i've had no calls today, which makes me surly, and makes me wonder what's the difference between being self-employed and un-employed. it just matters if the friggin' phone rings. thing is i make more in one hour working for myself than i would working all day at Lowes, so I guess i'm stuck. plus i can play world of warcraft or work on my book when i'm not fixing other people's computer problems.

at least they convicted those Enron assholes.

yet again, my stories are getting out there:

yet again, my stories are getting out there: this time on the podcast AIR OUT MY SHORTS episode number 46 (available on Itunes, or on theitspot.com's website.) click the "listen" link. Basically, they read 800 word stories on their show. So they read my story "The Wrong Excuse" and they liked it.

Oil Protest

Don't do it silhouette guy! Don't!

writing about Monday on Tuesday:

Hola amigos! Kay Pasa? Ha ha. No, really, I suck at Spanish. The only thing I know how to say in Spanish is "Coronas."

Yesterday I unboxed a brand new Dell and set it up in a dentist office. I made a printer print. I wrote some words. I took Savannah to the library. I watched AeonFlux (2005, Charlize Theron) it sucked in a way a 92 minute music video would suck if it wasn't very good. Theron is super hot, so I watched it till the end.

Today slow computers will become suddenly fast after my skillfull administrations. I will golf erratically; my chip shots will fall short, and my drives will veer to the right, probably seeking the company of trees.

Life is good, my mind is clear, my teeth don't hurt, and the coffee is always hot at Denny's. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me . . . motherfuckers!

six flags / choristers trip

Saturday we got up at five and drove 228 miles to Gurnee, IL for Savannah's choir competition. They took first place. Traffic wasn't bad. We went to Six Flags Great America after that. The weather was perfect, it wasn't too crowded. I stood in line for the "Superman" ride an hour and a half. (it broke down for five minutes while I was in line, but they fixed it.) It wasn't that good.

The best ride the Giant Drop, which is a free-fall ride. Scared the crap out of me.

The drive home was an butt-kicker, but i'm a driving pansy when it comes to long distances. Lucky I had my iPod loaded with lots of political talk shows and podcasts. Kept me wide awake, and shortened the drive. We got home about one in the morning. It was raining. I hate driving at night.

IN OTHER HUGE NEWS . . . When I got home, despite the late hour, I checked my email. I sold ANOTHER STORY to another SF magazine, this time for the March '07 issue of AOIFE'S KISS magazine.

i survived

I got over the flu. That means I can get sick with Bird Flu with the rest of you. Thank goodness we'll all go through it together.

I made a XP installation genuine by some simple registry changes :) I declared a camera incapable of connecting to its computer.

I fished a shoe off of the roof of the school.

I have something VERY IMPORTANT to say to you all. Please get all your news from Ze Frank from now on. It is very important that you do this.

I played World of Warcraft. I read a book. I coughed up some phlem. I ate some bratwurst. I filled the van up with gas. (oh . . . my . . . God that sh*t's expensive!) I sat on the paito. I watched television. I typed this.

i still have the friggin flu

I'm not used to being sick three days in a row. I feel like hammered dog shit. God dammit this sux. thanks for listening.

must . . . fight . . . flu . . .

While I am weak, I still maintain my dominance over all things technological. Aching joints and blocked cranium will not stop me from making my appointed rounds. Cleared computer viruses today, golfed poorly yesterday. My eyes are on fire!

blablablabla

i have nothing to report. business is slow. it rained all weekend. it's Alex's birthday, i'd better go buy her a present. I got a sore throat. my novel sux. i'm sick of playing world of warcraft. i golf tonight. i'm cold. my nose is running. i have to take a shower.

blablabla

TRAPPED!

There are nine grade-school girls watching "Garfield, The Movie" in my living room right now.

Hunkered down in my office, door closed, my only contact with the outside world is my cable modem internet connection, XM radio, and a hand-held portable TV. I'm not sure how long I can last. The dog is in the office with me because she'll eat all of the childrens' pizza, and we can't have that.

The reason there are so many childrens in my house is Alexandria's 8th b'day, which is on the 16th. She's having the big ta-do tonight because we have something or other going on that weekend, so it's all about scheduling.

Today I manifested AOL connectivity, Wireless hoo-ha, and reformat goodness. Long live Microsoft and their fragile, touchy OS.

In other news, Joey Harrington was traded to Miami. Thank God! Loser! Be Gone!

new axe

new axe
Originally uploaded by danmanning2001.

Today, I tried to have a yard sale and failed. dan + yardsale = failure. So I took the crap to Goodwill and went to the Hideout Brewery for a couple (2) beers. Savannah, Cassidy and I took walked to the library. On the way I talked with a fake lithp and pronounced all of my Rs as Ws and made funny. At the library, we picked up a couple of books. Then we walked home and discussed the meaning of life and the existential ideas. Then I came home to chop wood. The 2006 firewood project is going swimmingly. Plus, I kick ass at chopping wood.

Thar She Blows!

It is done, done, done. I finally finished reading Moby Dick, by Herman Melville. All 536 pages of difficult language and mystifying symbolism. I'll never do it again. It was a great book, but it was a brain buster.

Benjamin Franklin's Thirteen Virtues.

1. TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4. RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6. INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. MODERATION. Avoid extreams; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.
11.TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.
13. HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

free firewood project, 2006

free firewood project, 2006
Originally uploaded by danmanning2001.

My neighbor dropped off a truckload of wood yesterday. And now the fun begins. After failing with a conventional chainsaw (i took it back) I bought an electric one, and it sliced through the wood like hot knife through butter.