2015 In Review

This year that thing happened and we were all like, NO WAY! And some people were naked too much, and others were wearing suits and they spoke into microphones. Then some political stuff happened, and we were like, NO WAY! ARGUE ARGUE ARGUE! But then something new happened, probably on television or in the news.

Some good TV series ended or began, and some people were like, THIS IS SO AWESOME, and others were like, "Meh."

There were some award shows, where men wore tuxedos and women showed off their boobies, and everyone was like, "She looked this way or that!"

Then some science stuff happened, and robots. Just last year, we were all thinking, I can't believe 2014 is already over with, there was so much bullshit. What bullshit is going to happen next? And bullshit DID happen. This year we are all thinking, I can't believe 2015 is over with, there was so much bullshit, What bullshit is going to happen next?

Sports and award shows, and weather happened. There were some emergencies. Some people got all shot up and we were all sad for a few days, but then sports happened.

And economy. Gas prices were one price, and then another. There were jobs and stuff, or no jobs, and men in ties stood at microphones and said some stuff.

So anyway. Freedom 2016.

#67 HALF ASLEEP NONSENSE JOTTED DOWN

If I can find
Five things
That have never been—
I'll see them, then I'll know.

The customary
Things
That never were.

Down to the left
And down two rows
Is the place where the thing
With two noses goes.

Paul

FOUR CONTEXT- FREE POSSIBILITIES:

This clever-adjacent list has no meaning without context, but it occurred to me, so I'm provisionally adding it to the Internets. Perhaps you can provide some context for yourself:

1. You hate it and know you hate it.
2. You hate it but think you enjoy it.
3. You enjoy it but think you hate it.
4. You enjoy it and know you enjoy it.

#66 SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!

SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!! SUGAR HIGH ON HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!

The Limits of Science

Science has taught us many things: There's water on mars, the human genome is really big, time and space are all bendy, and a golf ball hit on the surface of the moon will go really far.

But what has science told us about the sandwich? I have two specific questions:

1. Why does a sandwich taste better when someone else makes it?
2. Why does a sandwich taste better when cut in half diagonally?

Get on it, science!

Tonight, on DUMBSHOW . . .

"Tonight on a very special episode of DUMBSHOW, we explore the hidden relationship between cable repair trucks and orange cones. What is the hidden meaning of their symbiotic existence?"

OPINION TIME

What is your opinion about OPINION TIME?

Here is where we will have a frank and open discussion about our opinions about OPINION TIME.

If someone disagrees with you about OPINION TIME, make sure to let them know; tell them your opinion about them disagreeing with your opinion about OPINION TIME. This is constructive.

Do not change your opinion about OPINION TIME under any circumstances, but be certain that with a reasonable argument, you can change another person's opinion about OPINION TIME.

Remember, if someone disagrees with your opinion about OPINION TIME, they are wrong, and their disagreement with your opinion about OPINION TIME is a personal attack. It is best to respond in kind with a personal attack. Insult their character, heredity, or intelligence. This is a sound persuasive tactic that always works, and brings those of differing opinions around to your way of thinking.

OPINION TIME. What is your opinion?

RECEIPT DESIRED?

Today I stopped at a gas station I don't normally frequent because road construction. I filled the tank, replaced the nozzle, replaced the gas cap, and the fuel pump screen said:

RECEIPT DESIRED?

Desired? That's a strong word. It's creepy. It is amazing they were able to cram bad, passive writing into that tiny space. Just give me the receipt. It isn't like:

"Oh Gas Receipt, ever since I first saw you, I had to have you. You are so beautiful Gas Receipt. Run away with me, I must make love to you."

No. It isn't like that at all.

"Da-yum Gas Receipt, you're tight. I would very much like to hit that."

No. I think PRINT RECEIPT? would be the appropriate message.

SMART ANSWERS TO DUMB QUESTIONS

Q: "What's your favorite color?"
A: "Depends on the object."

I FORGOT MY SUNGLASSES

Man it's bright. Jesus, this sun is killing me. Oh man, I forgot my sunglasses. Why? I surf like, every day, and here I am without my friggin' sunglasses. Oh well, can't go back now. Ashley's in there doing that thing in the bathroom. I gotta tell her it's over. How am I gonna do that? Jesus, this sun is like, melting the side of that building. What the hell is going on up there? A crap, a text. Already with the texts. I left the apartment five minutes ago. She can't even spell it out? Three exclamation marks? I'm suffocated. Suffocated. I better text back. If I don't text back, she's gonna send another one. Christ. Terran was right. She's bad news. God, the way she screamed at Luke last night. One drink makes her insane. And that thing in the bathroom. That noise. Crap, another text. What does that even mean? Is she just putting random emojis in texts now? The sun is so friggin' bright. I got to stop drinking. I have to stop drinking, and I have to break up with Ashley right now. I'll text her. God, need some shade, can't see this friggin' phone. Okay, lemme see. crap, caps lock. Lemme try again. God, no. I can't break up with her by text. What's that lady looking at? "I'm just sending a text." Suspicious old woman. Look at that dog. I bet she doesn't pick up the poop when it goes. Probably just buries it in the sand. Jesus, this friggin sun. I wish I had my sunglasses. 

# DOG SKELETONS

And then people started seeing dog skeletons walking around at night. First there were reports of single skeletons, and then packs of ghastly animated skeletal dogs. No one believed the reports at first, but then the sightings were reported nationwide. Each skeleton walking in its own unique way, a permanent toothy snarl on each skull, heads down, as if the habit of sniffing persisted in ghoulish phantasms with no possible olfactory sense. The empty eye sockets were wide and expressionless.

Occasionally a dog collar was spotted, dangling off a short span of spinal chord between the skull and shoulders.

At first people were alarmed, claiming it was a portent of the "end times," but biblical scholars had to admit that packs of dog skeletons fit into no known prophetic writings, old testament or new.  Others conjectured that it was pollution, or radiation, but scientists had to admit they to could find no explanation.

As they passed through the streets at night, the dry, fleshless paws sounded like dry leaves skittering across the pavement, wind or no wind.

Motorists would see them crossing the street. Some would stop and watch the horrifying parade of dog skeletons cross the headlight beams, while others would hit the gas, scattering the bones everywhere, the satisfying crunch of bones sometimes costing them a chipped windshield if a particularly large skull impacted the glass. Later no bones would be found, as the skeletons, animated by some unknown supernatural force, would recombine and continue on toward whatever mysterious destination draws packs of dog skeletons.

CELESTIAL EMPORIUM OF BENEVOLENT KNOWLEDGE

Supposedly taken from an ancient Chinese encyclopædia entitled Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge.

The list divides all animals into one of 14 categories:

1. Those that belong to the emperor
2. Embalmed ones
3. Those that are trained
4. Suckling pigs
5. Mermaids (or Sirens)
6. Fabulous ones
7. Stray dogs
8. Those that are included in this classification
9. Those that tremble as if they were mad
10. Innumerable ones
11. Those drawn with a very fine camel hair brush
12. Et cetera
13. Those that have just broken the flower vase
14. Those that, at a distance, resemble flies

source: wikipedia

You're perfect.

#61 THE TWISTED TREE

If there's no "us and them"
Then all that's left is one big "we."
And this of course means that
We're "we" in everyone we see.

We're black and white and thin and fat
And freaked-out xenophobes.
We're grandmas with arthritis
We have hoops in our earlobes.

We're crotchety vets from foreign wars
We're kids of meager means.
We're jerks with lanyard keycards,
We're flamboyant painted queens.

We go to church and carry guns
And pray to God above.
We get tattoos and drink
And want equality in love.

We worship Allah, God, or trees
Or aliens in volcanoes.
We worship nothing, drive big cars,
And pick the avocados.

If there's no "us and them"
Then all that's left is one big "we."
And we are all the leaves on
On an enormous family tree.

If you believe in "us and them,"
And need to make a fuss,
Then we'll all be here waiting
Till you realize it's just us.

We're shrill acerbic soccer moms
In tragic yoga pants.
We're homeless bearded mystics
On the sidewalk mumbling rants.

We're all the people in the cars
That ruin your commute.
We're crazy people on the news
That cause you to press "mute."

We're gay and straight and in between
We're from another state.
We're from another country,
And we think our country's great.

We're seven billion people
We're all scrambling for food,
We're all a little frazzled and
And we're often very rude.

We're all in this together,
And we'll sometimes disagree,
But we are one big family
On one twisted family tree.

the annoying

That person at work, or on the news, or on the street, or at the party, or wherever, who is so annoying is not annoying by virtue of their age, or their race, or their gender, or their nationality, or their class, or their politics or their whatever. They are annoying by virtue of being human.  Some people are simply annoying. They are not annoying because of some artificial classification. It is their character, or their circumstance, which is unique to them.

Grouping large numbers of individuals by superficial similarities is a mistake of logic. It is lazy thinking to paint millions of people a certain way in the mind simply by virtue of a few annoying people with whom they share a superficial characteristic.

E.B. White, from his essay, "Here is New York," 1948

RIPOST: FOR USE IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN:

"I was only trying to be friendly."

"Perhaps you should reexamine your methodology."

WALKING IN A LAKE

The first time I heard the song "Walking in L.A." (1984, Missing Persons) I thought they were saying,

"Walking in a lake / Nobody walks in a lake"

And I found that puzzling. No one walks in the bottom of a lake, but if you go to the beach, you have to walk out to where it is deep enough to swim, usually, if it is a public access beach.

So it seemed inaccurate.

Also, did you know that the lead singer from Missing Persons also played the "Mary" character in Frank Zappa's album, "Joe's Garage?"

# THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH THAT THING

"There's a problem with that thing."

"No there isn't."

"Yes there is. That thing is happening all the time. We could fix the problem. It would take a lot of work, but..."

"No. There isn't a problem. I do not see a problem."

"But what about X, Y, and Z? We need to fix this stuff. Something needs to change."

"Those are isolated incidents. They are not connected in any way. All circumstances and events exist in a vacuum."

"They are a trend. They are a symptom of a bigger issue."

"No they aren't. Can you give me a specific example?"

"A couple, but there are so many..."

"If you can't give me twenty specific examples, right now, off the top of your head, there isn't a problem. If you give me twenty examples, I'll ask for twenty-one examples."

"This Thing is a problem. It's complicated and involves..."

"I don't see it. It isn't affecting me, so it isn't a problem..."

"It's a problem."

"Do you have a specific solution, that you can describe completely, right now? Is it foolproof and perfect, as all plans are foolproof and perfect?"

"Well no..."

"See? Then there is no problem, and even if there was a problem, which there isn't, it can't be fixed because there is no perfect solution that is easy, and involves no sacrifice. No problem."

"But..."

"Nope. End of discussion. I have to go do things now. Also, booze now. I do not have time for this. Things are going well for me, so there is no problem. Booze now, and sports. Booze now?"

"Yes, booze I suppose."

~~~  LATER ~~~

"Can you believe that thing that happened on the news!? It is awful and terrible! This will briefly make me somewhat sad, for a few days, or hours!!"

"Yes. I can believe it. I don't see why you are surprised. It is part of the thing we were talking about the other day, these things are connected."

"No. There is no problem. That is not a real problem. We don't need to fix it, it isn't a problem."

"You don't see how that led to this?"

"No. It is another isolated incident. I have to go do things now that are important to me. Work stuff now. Booze later, and also, sports."