Sunday, December 31, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
The weather isn't depressing at all. It's nice and warm. It's going to be in the forties for the next week. No global warming. Nothing to worry about :)
Otherwise, I got nothing going on. I probably won't get any calls cause it's New Year's Eve Weekend. We got family coming in, so the house is clean.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Yesterday (Christmas Eve) we drove to Joanne’s and had a nice visit. I got a gallon of beer in one of those mini-kegs, which I look forward to tapping later on.
I got a new electric shaver. It’s charging now. The girls got lost of presents, bla bla bla, another Christmas.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Well goodie for you. Ya friggin’ bastard.
It was okay at first; I was like, “hey, good for the bicycle guy”. But then he’s all over the place, staring at me though the TV like, “why don’t you get off your ass and do something? I won like, a million tour-de-Frances, and I only have one nut. What have you done with your life?”
I don’t remember Lance Armstrong being like, “Oh, hey, cancer is bad” before he got cancer. Michael J. Fox didn’t care about Alzheimer’s either until he got it.*
And Christopher Reeve didn’t give a rat’s ass about spinal cord research and crippled people until he fell off his horse during an equestrian tournament in 1995. I always assumed he fell off playing Polo, and I always thought, “only rich assholes play Polo.” So I was wrong.
But I learned something else about Christopher Reeve during extensive research (I typed “Christopher Reeve” in Wikipedia). I learned that in 1987 he saved 77 actors, directors and playwrights from the death penalty in Chile by leading a rally. These artsy-fartsy folks had criticized the dictator Augusto Pinochet and were sentenced to death, but the publicity Reeve got leading the rally saved their lives.
So. How many people did Lance Armstrong save? 1. How many did Christopher Reeve save? 77.
Damn, this was one pointless blog entry. Enjoy
*I stand corrected. MJF has Parkinson's Disease.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Well, I found the cleartype tuner, and I'm here to tell you, it makes the laptop look like a brand new, clearer laptop. check it out. Freakin' awesome.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
Don't ask what random clicking led me to this wikipedia page. It started on Slate.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Saturday I made a fire in the fireplace, sat in front of said fireplace, and read until about three, when I showered and got my beer ration. Deb and the girls went to a church program, which mercifully, I was able to avoid.
Today is more reading and writing, and that’s about it. Not to thrilling, but I know that thousands of you hang on every word I write here, so I don’t want to disappoint.
Last week I did get a call from a book publisher about sample chapters of a book I had sent them years before. But they want money from ME to publish it. I had them send a sample of books they had already done, and it was unreadable crap. They just want my money. How sad.
Friday, December 08, 2006
So. Deb worked last night, so she was asleep. So I’m already gagging, and I haven’t even looked directly at the puke. I’m looking at it with my periphial vision only, just stepping around it, and I’m thinking, “I have to wake Deb up so she can take care of this.” I don’t want to wake her up, cause she’s asleep, and what kind of a puss can’t pick up some cat puke? So I steel myself, hold my breath, and clean it up.
And then I puked. Just a little.
Oh the things I do for love.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Sunday, December 03, 2006
It’s like the last thing I want to do is WRITE. Maybe because I’m allergic to WORK. And writing a book is HARD. It takes a lot of TIME. And EFFORT.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I rented another movie, suggested by my friend Barry. “The Yes Men” These guys are trying to shock people by impersonating WTO representatives in front of corporate fat-cats saying this outragous, greedy stuff to point out how outragous and greedy corporations are, and how the WTO is exploiting 3rd world countries. The problem for the Yes Men was that the corporate drones took what they had to say seriously. They did this one bit where they compared offshoring for cheap labor to slavery (like it was a good thing), and the corporate guys ate it up like it was a great idea. All in all, it was a pretty good movie.
Yesterday I got a call from a woman who said her PC wouldn’t start. I tried the power supply, the switch, nothing. Then I figured out she had the switch off at her multi-power-switch doohickey. Oh, it was plugged in, but the friggin’ switch was off. Imagine my chagrin . . .
Today I took a machine home to reformat it. When I put it on the bench, the keyboard wouldn’t work. After that, it stopped posting. The motherboard crapped out right before my eyes. Luckily it was an ancient PC and I just replaced it with one I had on the shelf. They don’t use it for much, and I’ll give them a good deal. Dammit.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
I packaged up some more presents.
Let me tell you about my new earphones. I have an Ipod, but the Ipod earphones suck. So I ordered some Koss “spark plug” stereophones. They are like those foam earplugs you can get from the hardware store combined with kick-ass speakers. They are amazing. I put in the comfortable plugs and tested the speakers with Billy Thorpe’s 1979 smash hit Children of The Sun. The crystal clear sound and magnificent bass transported me. And when I say transported, I’m not kidding. I ended up on a spaceship. Unfortunately, I was anally probed for more than 14 hours with something that looked like a complicated stainless steel mole trap. You’d think an advanced civilization capable of space travel would know about lube. Needless to say, I’m glad I didn’t have anything from Black Sabbath or White Zombie, or I might be dead right now. But the speakers sound great. And they were cheap as hell from Amazon.com. I had free shipping coming, so they were like a whopping 8 bucks total.
Nowaterball.com is getting lots of orders from Utah. I want each and every one of you to order at least one sleeve this holiday season. They make great gifts, and the price is right.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Chives: Is there anything that doesn’t taste better with chives? I don’t think so. It’s certainly great with sour-cream dip, but there are other things: Oreos and Chives. Chive Beer. Chive flavored edible underwear. Vanilla ice cream topped with delicious, fresh chives. God had his thinking cap on when he invented chives. Oh yes. I am thankful for chives! Say it with me now . . . . “CHIVES!”
Yesterday we ate turkey. I’m a fan of tryptophan, that’s for sure. Wikipedia takes all they mystery and fun out of the Tryptophan myth:
According to popular belief, tryptophan in turkey meat causes drowsiness. Turkey does contain tryptophan, which does have a documented sleep-inducing effect as it is readily converted into serotonin by the body. However, tryptophan is effective only when taken on its own as a free amino acid. Tryptophan in turkey is found as part of a protein, and, in small enough amounts, this mechanism seems unlikely.They got the booze part right! Just kidding kids. Drink responsibly! I took it easy on the booze yesterday.
A more-likely hypothesis is that the ingestion of large quantities of food, such as at a Thanksgiving feast, means that large quantities of both carbohydrates and branched-chain amino acids are consumed. Like carbohydrates, branched-chain amino acids require insulin to be transduced through the myocyte membranes, which, after a large meal, creates a competition among the amino acids and glucose for insulin, while simultaneously creating tryptophan's reduced competition with other amino acids for the Large Neutral Amino Acid Transporter protein for transduction across the blood-brain barrier. Alcoholic beverage consumption at holiday feasts is likely to compound the effect.
The Lions did their usual screwed up job. Not only did they get beat, but they got beat by Joey Harrington, in his first appearance back in Detroit since moving to the Miami Dolphins. Way to go Lions, can’t even blame him this time. Jesus! What’s it take to bring these Lions around?
Today I am wrapping presents. I’m in the Holiday spirit, probably more than at any time in the last twenty years. I don’t know. I’m actually enjoying getting things ready for Christmas this year.
So. There’s this game called Second Life, which is basically this waste of time chat room in 3d, but it’s kind of cool because you walk around and people make all kinds of things and anyway . . . last night I bought a Led Zeppelin tee-shirt in the game. Today I was looking at books on Amazon.com, and guess what; they “suggested” that I might be interested in Led Zeppelin albums. Coincidence? I think not!
My bestselling novel is going gangbusters. There has never been a more unreadable heap of crap produced in a long time. Hopefully it will be made into a movie.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I picked up dog poop. We’re giving that dog too many snacks. There was crap everywhere and it seems like I picked up poop just the other day.
Deb and the girls are preparing the turkey for turkey-day.
I have all four of my book manuscripts on the desk and I realize I’ve typed a pant-load of pages. That and a bunch of short-stories. All of them unmitigated craptastic hoo-haw.
I ate two cans of spaghetti and now I’m really sleepy. I have to pick up a computer at five because the husband downloaded “something he shouldn’t have.” That always makes for a comfortable scene. The husband guilty of downloading porn, and the irate wife hiring me to clean up the hard-drive. uuuuuuhhhhhh.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
In other news, I’ve been working ever so slowly on my newest multi-national bestselling blockbuster Science Fiction novel. It’s going pretty good, but I’ve been reading more than writing, since I’ve wasted the last couple of months playing that f**king video game.
Got a call from Jim in Oklahoma, he’s doing well. Barry is out on the road, talked to him. He’s driving through Tennessee. NoWaterBall.com is seeing a boom in sales. The holiday season seems to be the big season for novelty golf-balls.
It’s getting cold out, and that’s about it.
I went to Meijer to buy some supplies for Thanksgiving. Who the heck is “Rachael Ray”, and why is she on every third item in the grocery store?
We Tivoed (is that a verb yet?) “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" and there’s a scene where Charlie’s sister complains that she went to the store for a “turkey tree” and all they had was Christmas stuff in the store. Charlie Brown says “Christmas already?” and I thought, damn, how long have they been advertising Christmas stuff too early. So I looked at the date on the recording. “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” came out in 1966. The year I was born. I’m 40. Jesus Christ!
I printed out my newest bestselling novel. 40 pages of crap. Turns out, I can use my last bestselling novel and combine the two to make a twice as long, twice as awesome bestselling novel. I am a genius.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
I sent some NoWaterBall golf balls out unto the world. I visited one company, but could do nothing for the proprietary software. But I met some folks and I’m sure they’ll be calling me for all technological thingies.
I haven’t watched any football this year because the Lions suck ass. But Saturday I’ll be watching Michigan(2) and Ohio State(1) in the big game. Both teams are 11-0. Should be pretty friggin’ exciting.
Watched Thank You for Smoking the other night, and wrote a review on my movie review page.
I want each and every one of you using the Internets to go to nowaterball.com and order the greatest novelty golf balls in the world for presents this Holiday season.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
And don’t download crap from the Internets. (You know who you are) you’ll get a virus and that will ruin your day.
Well, that’s the PSA for today. I’m going for beer.
Then I’m going to write my crap Science fiction.
Until next time, do your best, drive carefully, and keep reaching for the stars . . . (after you back up your friggin' files)
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
This morning I hooked up DSL connectivity smoothness to a family from India. How odd. I went to the home of an Indian family, and when I called tech support to make sure they had DSL signal, I got an guy in America. Weird.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Today we raked leaves. We watched some movies; you can read three new reviews on my Movie Reviews Page at the greatest website in the world, www.danmanning.com.
Don't forget to vote Tuesday. Throw the Bums out!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Finally, some checks came in the mail. Plus, when I went to the post office to buy stamps they were playing Madonna’s 1986 megahit “Papa Don’t Preach” on the loudspeakers. While I waited in line I got to contemplate Madonna’s reasons for why she wanted to keep her baby.
Otherwise, I’m invoice rich and cash poor. I did a bunch of work for this one place in early October, and I’m waiting for the checks to come in. Meanwhile, we’re flat-ass broke.
So I haven’t been in the mood to blog at ya lately. I’m so sick of going to the mailbox and seeing no checks in there. Self employment is fun, but it has its drawbacks.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
I told the old lady this. She said the only reason she didn’t call the guy back was because he was a “smart-alec”. So let that be a lesson out there, don’t be a smart ass, especially if you want to keep people’s business. You can know your business, but even if you have the same product, if you’re an asshole, your customer won’t call you back.
Oh, and on the entertainment tip, check out the name of this band: Supreme Beings of Leisure. The name says it all. Cool-froody chill-out music. I got their self-titled CD, and it is coooool.
*yes, I know that analogy sucked
Monday, October 16, 2006
Otherwise, I got nuthin. I’ve been watching the Tigers. They’re going to the World Series.
I did witness the most annoying people on the planet at Meijer today. They barked everything they said at the top of their lungs. Four husky girls in their twenties(?) with a toddler. Jesus, I wanted to run out of there screaming.
Well, I wish I had more time to expound on all things ME, but I have to do some stuff.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
I upgraded my cell phone, hoping to find happiness. My new phone works great, it is shiny and new, but I am no more happy than I was before. But that’s not why I’m writing you, the Internet User, today.
There is a $50.00 rebate, so the whole upgrade costs me a whopping 20 bucks. Nice. But here is the game they play:
On the rebate receipt, they warn:
“Merchandise is not eligible to be returned if the Manufacturer UPC code is removed from the box.”Okay. Fair enough.
But on the $50.00 Mail-In Rebate Offer sheet thingy, it says:
“Please note, if you remove the bar code label from the equipment box, the product cannot be returned. Do not remove the bar code label to submit for rebate until after the return period is over.”And of course, they want you to cut the UPC bar code off and send it in to get the rebate.
So. Two warnings. How long is the “return period”?
What are they trying to accomplish with this? In two weeks, how many people are going to forget to send in their rebate form, or lose the paperwork? Tricky. Oh my Corporate Masters! You are more powerful than me!
Otherwise, I've had two days of zenlike non-drama cool-froodiness.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Then the plotter stopped working. After a short puzzlement, I found that the wire to the plotter had come loose when I was moving the unrelated wiring on the same switch.
I wrote a batch file to run a backup. I hooked up the external hard-drive I had just purchased.
The power cord to the external hard drive that I just purchased kept falling out. I had bought a faulty part.
I took it back to the technology store that will remain nameless (Circuit City)
I showed them the power cord falling out of the external hard drive.
They wouldn’t let me return it, because I didn’t have the 1 cent install CD that came with it, even though I never used it.
I left in a huff.
I drove halfway across town when I realized I forgot the receipt at the return counter.
I drove back.
I went in in a huff. I lost my cool. I demanded to see the manager. He agreed that it was a “dumb” policy blab la RMA returns etc etc.
I left in a huff. I came home in a huff. I almost bought beer, but instead I went jogging.
And now I typed this, and now I realize that I was wrong. I didn’t have to do anything “in a huff.” and I am a dumbass. Today anyway. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wise up.
Monday, October 09, 2006
I saw many traffic accidents, traffic, road construction and other hoo-haw. My back is feeling slightly better.
That’s it. I have no time for you now.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
We went to the mall, and Alex got a new winter coat. I made the embarrassing mistake of trying to climb the rock wall at the sports equipment place. I think I got ten feet before I fell. I should have tried the easier side. Now my back hurts, and I am sad. Boo Hoo.
We went to Henry Johnson Park on the way back. It was a beautiful day. I was able to redeem myself by climbing the little five-foot rock wall on the little play set there.
Now my back is killing me.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
I told a man his computer was totalled because of lightning. I wrote his insurance company a little note to the same effect.
It's finally cooled off the way it is supposed to, and now there is a havest moon shining in the sky.
Today: Router that is not broken must be fixed anyway.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Remember kids, unplug your stuff during global-warming induced winter thunderstorms!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Ha! I love the delete feature. Sometimes I like the sound of my own inner voice too much.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Heavy lightning, unseasonably(?) warm. Wind gusts and rain.
At the library, they have this self-checkout system. You just scan your library card and put each book on this pad, and it can identify each book. Then it prints you a receipt. Finally, a library visit with no human interaction whatsoever. Oh Progress, I love how you allow us all to live in our insular, safe little worlds.
I wonder if the machine that allows me to check out my own library books forwards the information to the Department of Justice. I hope so. Free thought and privacy are dangerous. I must obey the collective for the greater good.
Friday, September 29, 2006
I get there and I’m like “hey, my article is right there, in a real online magazine.” I get ready to post the announcement to my loyal web-page readers, when my Internet connection goes down.
OH THE HUMANITY.
Of course, I suppose you’ve figured out that the connection is back up; otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this fresh post.
But right now, at eleven at night, my connection is still down. I’ll probably get more writing done tonight then ever before. The Internet is such a distraction. The cable modem is downstairs, and every five minutes, whether I want to or not, I go down there and see if the little green “online” light is still blinking.
I even walked next door to the neighbor’s. They said the Internet was up, which is even more frustrating, because now it’s just ME and not something going on at the other end of the line at Comcast. Dammit!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Writing a book is hard. There are so many words, and they have to be in the right order. There are characters, and they have to do and say interesting things. Things have to happen in a plausible way, but it can’t be just like real life, because real life is dull. It has to be entertaining and witty but not too witty.
Maybe I should just plagiarize something. But even that involves a lot of typing, and my fingers will get tired.
I might have to do research in order to make the book interesting enough for someone else to actually want to read it. All my science fiction is starting to sound like re-hashed Star Trek episodes.
My left elbow is all scraped up from me leaning on it, staring into my screen, trying to, by sheer force of will, to make shit happen in my story.
I don’t know my own mother’s address to send the school photos of Savannah to her. She moved.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
"War is just a racket. A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of people. Only a small inside group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few at the expense of the masses.
I believe in adequate defense at the coastline and nothing else. If a nation comes over here to fight, then we'll fight. The trouble with America is that when the dollar only earns 6 percent over here, then it gets restless and goes overseas to get 100 percent. Then the flag follows the dollar and the soldiers follow the flag.
I wouldn't go to war again as I have done to protect some lousy investment of the bankers. There are only two things we should fight for. One is the defense of our homes and the other is the Bill of Rights. War for any other reason is simply a racket.
There isn't a trick in the racketeering bag that the military gang is blind to. It has its "finger men" to point out enemies, its "muscle men" to destroy enemies, its "brain men" to plan war preparations, and a "Big Boss" Super-Nationalistic-Capitalism.
It may seem odd for me, a military man to adopt such a comparison. Truthfulness compels me to. I spent thirty- three years and four months in active military service as a member of this country's most agile military force, the Marine Corps. I served in all commissioned ranks from Second Lieutenant to Major-General. And during that period, I spent most of my time being a high class muscle- man for Big Business, for Wall Street and for the Bankers. In short, I was a racketeer, a gangster for capitalism.
I suspected I was just part of a racket at the time. Now I am sure of it. Like all the members of the military profession, I never had a thought of my own until I left the service. My mental faculties remained in suspended animation while I obeyed the orders of higher-ups. This is typical with everyone in the military service.
I helped make Mexico, especially Tampico, safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of half a dozen Central American republics for the benefits of Wall Street. The record of racketeering is long. I helped purify Nicaragua for the international banking house of Brown Brothers in 1909-1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for American sugar interests in 1916. In China I helped to see to it that Standard Oil went its way unmolested.
During those years, I had, as the boys in the back room would say, a swell racket. Looking back on it, I feel that I could have given Al Capone a few hints. The best he could do was to operate his racket in three districts. I operated on three continents."
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Today, it’s at #5. Hmmmm.
I want you to do everything you can to return paper ballots to all Michigan polling places. I don’t trust the voting machines. There is no physical way to verify votes; computerized voting machines could be tampered with or malfunction.
I am a computer technician, yet with something as important as voting, I want something more concrete than a touch screen when I enter the voting booth. Even if the only result would be more faith in our voting system, it would be worth it.
I know it is close to the elections and I’m sure all kinds of money went into installing these electronic voting machines, but I feel they are going to ruin voting rights in Michigan, and in America.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Today I got a five dollar per hour raise! That makes me a happy monkey.
It feels like fall finally. I thought I’d go out and enjoy the great outdoors, so I picked up dog poop in the back yard. The air was fresh and crisp, except when dog poop smell wafted off the shovel into my large, manly nostrils.
Speaking of nostrils, I’ve noticed some gray hair, but it’s all in my nose hair. Isn’t that weird?
Well, thanks for stopping by the ol’ homepage. Ya’ll come back and visit again!
Monday, September 18, 2006
And that’s why I don’t listen to local FM radio.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Deb was sleeping because she worked last night, and I was going crazy bored sitting around the house, so I took the girls to K-Mart so they could look at Halloween costumes. I sat in the lawn furniture section while they tried on masks and came over to “scare” me.
Later in the afternoon I learned how to juggle two softballs and a garden spade. I did pretty good.
I put the finishing touches on the new laptop installation. This thing is running so much better. I only loaded what I need, and I can’t believe the difference.
I did something I almost never do: I took a nap.
And now it’s nine PM, and I’m going to bed.
I also made my "writing brag sheet" page listing all the stuff I've had published. Hooray for me.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
It went as smooth as expected, since I do this about five times a week anyway.
I had one appointment this morning, fixing wireless and removing Norton AV that was killing HP wireless printing service, when to bloated software programs fight, the only loser is the user.
I took Savannah to Circuit City and I bought what I have wanted for years: The first Star Wars movie on DVD. Now my life is complete.
Well, working on this laptop has eaten the entire day, so I have nothing more to write about.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
And there's another sequel in the works: my hard drive is getting ready to crash, every other time I reboot i get "Operating System Not Found" dammit. That's more money on replacement parts.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Under the tape: her fingerprints.
I can understand they want the kids' fingerprints on file. I've given up any illusion of privacy or rights in this country a long time ago, and this is just one more minor chink in the illusion that you and I, as average taxpayer/consumer units, have any rights at all.
But come on already: if you want to fingerprint all the kids in school, just come right out and say what you're doing. Don't pretend it's some "experiment" for science class with some lame-ass fake school assignment. I mean Jesus Christ, just because we're wage-slave/serfs doesn't mean we're that stupid.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
But I used the Oracle of Google to discover the inner workings of the gas oven, and it turns out we have a glow-igniter, an igniter that glows red hot and then if it gets hot enough, it opens the gas valve. It has a little gap that burned through, and I took it out and walked to Lowes, but they didn’t have it, so I walked to the hardware store, and they didn’t have it, and I walked the APEX appliance parts store that Lowes and the hardware store told me about, but they were closed.
But knowing is half the battle, and during the walk I podcasted about everything I saw on Plainfield, and I stopped at Long John Silver’s and had the sampler platter.
Otherwise, I wrote, played video games and watched television. I’m still on my news blackout, and the world seems a safer, and happier place because of it.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Well, to follow up, today, two days after the violent upheaval that was my front yard, I was sitting here today, minding my own damn bidness, when ANOTHER truck with the evil word “UTILITY” on it pulls up, and a guy gets out with a bunch of red, blue, and yellow little flags in his hand. I went outside, and he wasn’t in the truck. Nope, he was standing next to my house getting ready to mark the underground utility lines – for the hole they had dug two days before. I told him that the hole was already dug and filled in and he went away. I love the Government in all its forms.
Today I set up some mailing software and did a spyware/windowsUpdate/virus check for one of my regular customers. I got some checks in the mail and I fixed my shower, which was clogged due to the sand in our plumbing. blab la bla. whatever.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
I had one call today so far, an external hard drive that wasn't plugged in.
The President made a speech about the prisoners at Git-mo. They are going to be tried. But there are questions about how the evidence was collected.
The girls are back in school. It's nice to have them back in school.
I've been working on a new short story, another science fiction story that I hope will sell. I have a book to write.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Thrill to his exciting adventures, as he makes daring appointments, jotting down addresses, names and numbers whilst juggling boiling, scalding Starbucks Coffee, grasping a radioactive cell phone betwixt his manly, stumbled jowls and broad shoulders whilst battling the evil minions that are his fellow motorists careening down the Beltway at breakneck speeds.
Wince in terror as he connects routers to networks and wireless signals to connect frantic Internet users with technological hoobajoobas that might very well save their very souls!
Keen in orgasmic pleasure as he races home to repair not two, not three but four separate plumbing problems caused by the Evil City Workers who dug his yard up for absolutely NOTHING!
Pine with admiration as he types in his blog . . . no, wait, I’m doing that now. Please God~! someone help me! I wrote this crap and I’m stone cold sober. HA! I am the greatest problem solver named Dan who lives in my house!
Saturday, September 02, 2006
I took the kids to the school and they rode the wagon down the hill. There’s video of the wagoneers on my website.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Other than my sad, sad little mean-spirited attitude, today is going great. I picked up a PC from a patio furniture place, and I am copying over all appropriate files in order to wipe this hard drive.
Later I’m going to a law office to show them how to back up files. All things on earth are good right now.
I tried Clamato for the first time today. Even though it sounds like a veneral disease, it isn't; it's tomato juice and it is delicious.
Alas, when things are going smoothly, blogs are boring. So Peace!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Last night was the last night of the golf league and I did terrible. Thank goodness it was a scramble. I couldn’t hit a fairway.
Yesterday I had a motherboard replacement, a power-supply replacement and a wireless configuredoodle. I conquered all. I got a lot of writing done in two coffee shops between appointments. I got a five-dollar laptop that is now wireless and it kicks butt.
I’ve been keeping busy and writing and generally being a good boy.
They haven’t dug up my yard yet, but there are little blue flags in the front so I know its coming. I don’t care about the yard, as long as they don’t charge me. That stupid tree we cut down last year is getting its revenge.
Well, it’s too friggin early in the morning to be typing this crap, I think I might be able to go to sleep now.
Monday, August 28, 2006
"Leaving my first stop, I can't help but laugh at the posted signs: '$1000 Reward for reporting illegal dumping' on the fences and signposts. Everywhere around them are old mattresses, tires, appliances, household junk, etc. piled up to five feet deep. "
You should check it out.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Otherwise I’ve been reading Catch 22, which is some kind of cross between Alice in Wonderland and Patton. I can’t explain it really, but the absolute nonsense contained in this book defies categorization or explanation. The people in this book are lunatics.
That’s about it.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I finished taking the pool down and storing it. I surfed the Internet.
Oh yeah, after I filled up with gas, Deb called and asked me to pick up some fabric softener. I was pulling in and saw this lady’s van stopped right as you turn into the parking lot. She was sitting there in the right-hand southbound lane on Plainfield at 4:30, which is asshole-central. Her pinion arm (or whatever, I know nothing about the underside of minivans) busted, and both of her front tires were pointed toward the middle of her vehicle. The minivan couldn’t even be pushed out of the way. She had a cell-phone, so I went into Meijer and got three orange cones from the auto-tools department and asked the lawn-garden dude if I could take them out there and help prevent a friggin accident. He said yeah, and I put the cones out so people would see ahead of time not to rear-end this lady who wasn’t smart enough to get out of the driver’s seat.
I went and got the fabric softener, walked around some and came out and she was STILL sitting there, trying to get killed by some distracted driver. As I was getting into my car, the cops finally pulled up behind her.
I didn’t bother taking the cones back. Fuck ‘em.
What else happened? Oh yeah, the Kent County guy that runs the robot that films the sewers came by and showed me the video that triggered the form letter that said I was going to have to pay for them to tear up the road. There's one little root, and it's in my lateral drain going into the main sewer, and it's not in the main sewer, anywho, he gave me a copy of the video and said they shouldn't have to tear up the road. Which is good because the Plainfield Township guy said if they did, they might charge me like, $12,000 and that would make me very sad.
So I got a roter-rooter plumber guy coming out to clean it up for a fraction of that. I don't need any more friggin' expenses. Dammit!
Monday, August 21, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Saturday, August 19, 2006
I have to take the pool down this weekend, or at least I was going to, but now it’s raining.
I got two appointments already lined up for Monday. It’s good to know I’ll be employed the next week. Every week is different.
Yesterday I took the kids (2 of mine and 2 of their friends) to the city pool. The pool closed for the season yesterday.
Last night I joined YouTube so I can put video in here once in awhile. I put a cool Ted Stevens Remix on here, (see below) I didn't make the video, I just found it and put it on here.
Thanks for checking in.
Friday, August 18, 2006
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Wednesday, August 16, 2006
After that, another entry in the Grand Rapids Parks Project. Took the entire family to Brigg’s park, on the corner of Lafayette and Knapp, where there’s a city pool with a kick-ass waterslide. We slid and slid and I got water in my ears.
Then I took the entire family to Old Country Buffet, where I ate five plates of food.
Was your day as good as mine? Chances are, it wasn’t. Cause I’m a cool-buddha and you may or may not be, depending on your circumstances and outlook. So, lighten up and have some fun. Because someday, you’re gonna be dead.
Peace in the Middle East ya Bastards!
Monday, August 14, 2006
The renewal form says to “include the driver’s license number of the person writing the check.” Funny, I thought they had those records in Lansing. They wouldn’t even provide postage.
I wonder which pothole my 18 dollars is going to fill. Maybe the workman could carve my initials in the hot tar with the tip of his shovel in my special filled pothole. The pothole that will be unplugged a few weeks later by the snowplow.
Yesterday I am proud to say I didn’t do anything. A day of rest, pure and simple. Lots of time just reading on the porch. I’ve never had a better time doing absolutely nothing. Saturday we went to Comstock park and walked around, but Sunday, Sunday was a day of rest.
But not today. I drove 139 miles, 5 stops, and more money today than I made all last week. I had data transferred, the awkward moment when I had to tell a couple that they lost ALL their data because their HD crashed. Don’t forget to backup people! I drove all the way out to bumf8ck to fix a modem, and I also went downtown and fixed a monitor. I am the master of all low-tech probabilities.
Homer said this on the Simpsons:
“I THROW MYSELF ON THE MERCY OF THE FOOD COURT!”
I think that’s fantastic.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
We had a get-together the other day, just a few people from Deb’s work. It was a good time.
I’ve been getting calls again, thank the little-baby-Jesus, and everything is gonna be okay.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
We’re broke but we’re having a get-together for some of Deb’s co-workers. I don’t want to have a party because we’re broke, but I will be my usual charming and witty self (HA!)
I worked on my short story today, sent some postcards, and obsessed about money.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
I’m done being angry. Happy Wednesday assholes.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
What a friggin’ mess over there. Glad I live here.
So before the world ends, let’s talk about ME! Nothing shakin’. Yesterday I fixed a laptop cover micro-switch, and I fought Microsoft Outlook “Identities” hoo-haw. Took Savannah to the go-cart place, we had two races, and then rode the bumper-boats and golfed the mini-golf.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Then I helped a VERY old woman get into the NY Times website. The pesky and impossibly tedious MacAfee Privacy Manager has a cookies “white list” that has to be manually managed, it’s a serious pain in the ass, but I figured it out.
Deb worked Friday, so I took the girls to Comstock park, where fun ensued. We saw a guy launch a speedboat, we got ice-cream at the ice-cream truck, and a good time was had by all.
Saturday Deb was sleeping, (she works overnights) so I took the girls to OCB(old country buffet) and then we saw the movie “Barnyard,” which, even by “kid’s movie” standards, sucked major ass. Someone should tell the movie execs that cows are female. Besides that annoying fact, it had a horrible story, none of it was even remotely funny, and it sucked. It’s the absolute worse movie I’ve ever seen in recent memory, possible the worse movie ever.
After that I took the girls downtown and we walked around a little, but there was nothing going on downtown. We walked through Rosa Parks Circle, and the place was empty.
After that, we went home.
I mowed the lawn, had a couple of beers, smoked a cigar and worked on my newest kick-ass short story. Let’s just say some supernatural shit goes down.
Yes, BORING, I know, but I realize that some of your lives revolve around reading about mine.
On the 70s station on XM Radio, they play old "Casey Kasem's American Top 40" shows. It's like time travel.
Peace in the Middle East MotHerFuCkers!
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
I could tell I was smoking a bad cigar today, which means my ability to discern one cigar from another is improving. Great. That will make lip and throat cancer seem worth it huh? I might be giving them up altogether before I become an addict. That would be a bonehead move.
I did stay out of the bar today, and that’s a god-damn miracle. Yay me!
Well, I’m going to write some more enthralling fiction. I just have to think of an exciting story with real sympathetic characters that develop over the course of the book in a way that will hold the readers attention and make them care about the characters. No problem. I’ll get right on that.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Earlier in the dream I was in the Navy, and I hated everyone I worked with. I had to work on some training jackets or some other bullshit. It was horrible.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Bills paid, clients happy, belly full, no bombs going off; just getting and spending. What more could a primate want?
Peace in the Middle East Motherfuckers!
Oh Crap, I gotta call my Dad. His B-day was two days ago.
Sunday I had to drop the kids off at Chunky Cheese's. A massive storm, with low, black clouds boiling in from the West came upon Alpine Avenue, and it was super creepy. It was almost as Creepy as Chunky Cheese. Luckily, I didn't have to stay, as their was another parent throwing the party.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Earlier today, we split the kids into two groups for a Scavenger Hunt. I had to escort one group around the neighborhood, Deb escorted the other group. Deb’s group won, but on a misunderstanding on the rules. I thought she said we could only get ONE item per house, Deb’s group got as many of the 18 items they could from each house. Needless to say, they won. After the mistunderstanding, it was declared a tie and both groups jumped in the pool for a victory lap and had a great time.
(Kenny Rodgers, “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town”)
After that, I fled to the Hideout Brewery.
The Hideout is the greatest bar in the world (within three miles of my house) and they have great beer that travels less than ten yards from the spot it was brewed. I talked with another patron, Jeff, about old cars, car audio, and we watched Texas Hold-em’ on the TV. I smoked a cigar and had a few beers and relaxed after a relatively slow week.
Check out my new Ted Stevens Explains the Internets page. It kicks ass, and shows you that some of our congressmen are really, really f!cked up. Jesus H. Christ, somebody put this old man in a headlock and take him to the old-folks home already.
(Blood, Sweat & Tears: “Spinning Wheel”)
Any-whoo: I got an appointment tomorrow to fix somebody’s Outlook Express. Yah-hoo.
Luckily, I’m writing again, with a vengeance. My prose are all powerful. My rewrites are astronomical. I am the Lyrical Jesse James. . . . not.
The story I’m writing is pretty good. It’s about demons who tailgate in Dodge Ram pickups, and the guy who “exercises” them out of existence. Uh, that’s a terrible description. Got to read it. When I sell it, I’ll tell you what magazine you need to buy.
Peace in the Middle East Motherf*ckers! Got to go, the fake-ass Wolfman Jack show is on.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Last night I dreamed I was a wolf running through the woods, and I want red meat really bad. Not sure if that’s related to the bat or not.
Today I dropped a machine off, pronounced it dead due to lightning strike. I cleaned out the storage room. It was full, but now it has four plastic containers in it, nothing else. We threw out a bunch of stuff.
Tonight I golf. It’s hot out.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Today I set up a new laptop. I was smart enough to bring the older machine back, and sure enough, I hadn’t backed up the “family tree” software data. But I got it back thanks to my trusty usb-ide converter cable. that thing kicks ass.
Then, I was off to drop off Mr. 5-Gig-of-music machine. The guy had so much music, it took over 8 hours to copy it down in order to format his virus-laden HD.
After that I had to help some lady download some crap software from Comcast, or they wouldn’t let her connect to the Internet. We were on hold so long, I finally just downloaded it and got her on the Internet.
Now I’m working on a crap E-machine. They don’t put the fucking drivers on their website, and the restore “image” is giving me fits. I hate everything and everybody right now.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Today, finally, a day where I did nothing. Well, I did drain the pool and refill it. It is refilling now. I did crank out a couple of pages in my newest bestselling sci-fi thriller. I did make some pork-rib stew, which is stewing right now.
I did surf the Internets.
Otherwise, nothing. I did play catch with Alex. I did (without raising my voice) tell two kids to get off the roof of the school. I said, “Do I have to make a big stink and call the cops, or would you guys get down?” and they got down. I was calm, non-yelling, cool about the whole thing. My yelling at kids days are over as of last year.
I picked up a trash can at the school that was tipped over, put the trash back in, and dumped it in the dumpster so it wouldn’t end up all over again. It was extra stinky, cause you know when you see people walking their dogs and they have those little bags of poop? Well guess where the popular poop-putting spot is? That trash can at the school. Dis-gust-ing!
Needless to say, when I was done, vigorous hand-washing ensued.
Now I’m going to smoke a cigar and read a little.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Earlier this evening we set up the Nowaterball trade-show tent at the “amped @ the ampetheater” event, there were some pretty good bands there, I liked radio messiah myself. We didn’t sell much, but we got the booth up and down with no problems, and everything went smooth, so all we need now is an event that has a bunch of golfers, and we’ll all be rich.
Otherwise, not much else went on today. bla bla
Thursday, July 20, 2006
We’re finishing up the Nowaterball trade booth, of course, it looks like the event might get rained out. We’ll have to see what happens.
My laptop is acting buggy, might have to reformat on general principle.
I stayed up too late and got up too early. I’ll type at ya later.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Weekend Roundup or “See the irony is what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it’s over.”—GWB
Mark, Brian and I built the greatest Trade show Booth ever made. It is six feet tall and 12 feet wide and covered with fake grass. It is for our nowaterball booth at a charity thing next week. It was a hundred degrees out today, and Mark's garage, like everyone else's on the planet is not air conditioned. It was lucky I didn't pass out. I didn't get home until four- thirty.
Mom and Corri redecorated the kitchen. It looks great. It doesn't even look like the same kitchen. I wish I could decorate the way they do, or at least have ideas for Deb or at least have the gumption to spruce up the house a little.
It was so hot today. They said on the news that this might be the hottest weekend in over a decade. Don't tell me there's no global warming.
We went to the beach. I bought some beach chairs. Deb and I went to McDonalds to get lunch for the beach, and Ronald McDonald actually showed up. It was really a guy in a clown suit, but it was pretty convincing. There was a homeless guy there drinking a cup of coffee alone in a booth. I didn't see Ronald go greet him. Ronald greeted everyone else. The homeless guy was stinky. Clowns scare me.
We watched "Austin Powers: the Spy Who Shagged Me" when we got home from the beach, cause it was on the Tivo.
I took Mom to the Hideout for a beer sampler. She liked all of them except one, that's 7/8 and that's pretty cool.
Cool quote from our Dear Leader when he didn't know the microphone was on at the G8:
“See the irony is what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it’s over.”—GWB talking to Blair before dinner at G8
Friday, July 14, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
I'm at the golf-course waiting on Brian so we can pre-golf. The reason I have to pre-golf is because I have to pick my sister up from the airport tomorrow. Picking people up from the airport is one of my least favorite things to do.
The reason I'm here early is because my last appointment was on this side of town.
So I'm typing this up on the PPC on this foldable keyboard.
Earlier today I had to clean up a few PCs, hooked up a wireless router and things of that nature. Nothing too exciting.
I guess I could practice my chip shots or something.
This is kind of cool. I put the keyboard on the trunk of the car, and it's the perfect height for typing. I can type standing up, and it is a lot more fun, and easier on my back.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
After that, I jetted off to some crazy place around 64th street for a PC pickup (hard-drive crash) and the confirmation that yes, we have no cable internet signal. Call Comcast, tell them that yes, they have to come out and check the lines or whatever, because the modem no workie.
Then we drove to Davison to visit with my Brother-in-Law Tony, his wife and kids. Tony, his boy Travis and I went to Grand Blanc Golf Country Club and golfed. Fun times. Travis has a good golf swing.
Then there was “ball tag” in the backyard with Savannah, Alex and their cousins. All that running made me sore because I am old.
When we got back yesterday, Deb had to work. Savannah, Alex and I have started a new project: The Grand Rapids Park Project. The purpose is pretty simple: visit every park in Grand Rapids, hopefully by the end of the summer.
And that’s about it. This morning I’m playing catch-up on some work. I have to go make some coffee now. Goodbye.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Podcasts are like little radio shows. It's just a file. There's no reason to be scared. You don't need a "pod" or an "ipod" or a "mac" or an "imac" or anything special. You can listen to it on a windows PC.
You just go to the podcast page and download it.
How can you resist? It's ME for God's sake. It's ME yapping into a microphone talking about dumb shit. Some people find it hilarious.
These are not just any podcasts. These podcasts are special. They are the finest podcasts that I know of. Quality podcasts. I've sweated and worked over 56 of these beauties. Each one a perfect expression of performance art. I've heard other podcasts, but this one is mine. I made them. They are like my electronic children.
Yet you don't go. I don't understand it at all. My poor podcasts, like #56, my baby, or like number #6, my Star Wars episode. Or the legendary #44, the "upset" episode, which has been downloaded, as of this writing, over 15,354,125,145 times. That's right. Over 15 BILLION times.
Go to my Podcast Page and download all of my podcasts. It is very important that you tell all of your friends about it. It is important that we all listen to them together. The fate of humanity hangs in the balance.
This has been a Public Service Announcement.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Otherwise, after work I took the girls to a couple of parks to get them away from the television. I got the idea to get a map of the city, and we could put a red X on each city park we visit until we visit each and every park in the city.
There is an ice cream place on West River Drive that must be a hundred years old. Buying ice cream there is like going back in time.
After that we came home and watched a movie I downloaded on my laptop from Cinemanow.com I hooked the laptop to the television with an s-Video cable for the first time. It worked like a champ. No more going to blockbuster.
Right now I'm sitting on the front porch enjoying a cigar and listening to my Ipod. It's 5 minutes past eleven. There's a great podcast called "The Diner". It's kind of old time radio.
Well, that podcast is over, now I'm hitting the sack. Nighty-night Internet.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
But then, as they were writing me a check, a miracle happened: One of the mechanics walked in holding a tiny, cute, white and gray kitten. A stray from somewhere. The gal who runs the place said, “Where’d you get that?” and the mechanic said, it just wandered in. So now they have a shop cat. I suggested they call it “shop cat.”
When I got home I finished up one machine on the bench, and took it to one of my other repeat customers. Somehow their “SYSTEM” folder got wiped out, so it was reformat city. But today I took it back. My customer was a pregnant woman and her husband. She was “glowing.”
For some reason, today I just loved all of humanity, and I have a good attitude. That’s good for me, but bad for you, because people in good moods are BORING!
After that I picked up toner for my printer, along with my favorite pen and some invoices. Later, after Deb goes to work, I might go purchase a couple of my favorite cigars.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Monday, July 03, 2006
Weird thing: I saw some kid’s big wheel sitting on the shoulder of I96. That was creepy enough, you know the kind of Stephen King creepy where you wonder if the kid was on it or got lost in those woods next to the highway or whatever. Then, later on, there were kids’ toys strewn down the shoulder of 131. What the heck is going on here?
So I bought a new pool filter, chlorine, and shock for the pool that is looking a little green. I stopped by the bank, and again, there were people outside the door wondering if it was closed. I pulled on the door and it opened. People just can’t pull hard enough on that door or something, that’s the second time it’s happened.
And finally, I didn’t get anything to eat until 2:30. I drove like a madman to OCB (Old Country Buffet), the family silently praying that we wouldn't be killed on the way. My blood sugar was so low my hands were shaking, and I was HANGRY! (Hungry and ANGRY) I would have bitten the head off a small child if it wasn’t illegal. But luckily I got to the buffet before I saw any infants or toddlers, or I would by writing this with a crayon in a padded cell somewhere, and I’m not sure if I’d be able to post to Blogger from there.
So. I ate food, all is well. After that we bought fireworks. Just sparklers and snakes and punks and smoke bombs and those snapper thingys. We saw big fireworks last night, thanks to the neighbors. Plus the rich people by the lake shoot off fireworks every year a couple blocks from here, like, ooh, look at how rich we are, we can afford these expensive fireworks, woo woo woo look at us . . . oh, did I type that out loud? I might sound a little jealous.
I got two machines on the bench, the pool is clearing up, it’s the holidays, Deb’s picking up some booze. Let all peoples of Earth live in Peace and Harmony, and may the Spirit of Elvis Serve and Protect you.