Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I hate the part when my nasty bits touch the cold water

Today I did many things. I set up wireless network goodness for both PCs and Macs, and the PC shared a printer, and the Mac found it lickity-split.

That’s right, I said lickity-split. You have a problem with that?

Anywhoo, I did that and transferred some files and I got to keep the old laptop. I will mount it into a robotic automaton, perhaps a robot, if you will. This robot, which now sits slumped over in the corner of my garage, is made from the finest brushed stainless steel. It is modeled after one of Picasso’s cubist works, Harlequin with Violin. I call my robot Harl, but while he is already a masterpiece, he has no soul. That’s where the Dell Inspiron 7000 comes in. Using a simple blog-sythesis tool I found on the internet, this robot will be imbibed with my personality, gleaned completely from the contents of this blog. Using wireless technology, it will learn from my entries here and develop a more complete personality.

Of course, this will only be toward one goal, the point of self-awareness, when it realizes it is too smart to take orders from me . . . and then the warmed-over Frankenstein/Matrix/Terminator plot happens again.

In reality, I set up a wireless network, moved some data, replaced a modem, found a tower riddled with viruses SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.

I cleaned the pool. I don’t know about you girls, but when I get into a cold pool, I hate the part when my nasty bits touch the cold water.

But enough about my nether regions.

Business is picking up, and there is a strong possibility that I’m going to be able to pay the mortgage. I even bought some supplies today.

We all walked to Baskin Robbins and got some ice-cream.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I am not a ten-year-old Malaysian girl

Last night I dreamt of my old girlfriend. She moved to Indiana and went on to great things, (I think) and I never heard from her again. I wonder what really happened to her. Anyway, last night I dreamt I had business there in her town for some reason, and she asked me “what are you doing here?” and she was pretty alarmed. I guess that makes me a nocturnal stalker or something. She still looked 16 years old, but I guess people don’t age in dreams. I didn’t get anywhere with her, cause her stupid jock boyfriend was hanging around, the bastard. And her dad. She wouldn’t even come out of the house and talk to me. What a disappointing dream. She still looked sixteen.

Am I creeping you out right now?

Enough about me and my unhinged cerebral cortex.

Yesterday (in the real, slightly less cool world of reality) I got one call in the morning from a gentleman whose daughter’s laptop was having power problems. I told him it might be the cord, and it might be the socket the cord plugged into. He said the socket fix sounded simple, and I explained that the socket is soldered to the motherboard, which is pretty much the entire laptop, and it means disassembling the entire thing to get to the socket, and since the socket is soldered by a robot run by a ten-year-old girl in a sweat-shop in Malaysia, it’s pretty difficult to solder, because I don’t have a robot, and I am not a ten-year-old Malaysian girl.

So the guy doesn’t make an appointment, and I’m getting all anxious because it’s going to be another day without calls. I wrote, I cleaned mulberries out of the pool, I read a book, I went to Starbucks and wrote, I came home, I read. I wrote. I read, I wrote.

Then at seven the guy’s daughter calls, I go over there and fix the computer. Luckily I had another power cord, and after checking polarity, amperage and voltage requirements, limits, parameters, phase-induced parabola flux fields, I sold her the chord and charged for a house call. Because I am the Lord of Basic Electronic Technology. Fixing a college girl’s $300.00 used laptop in an air-conditioned apartment is easier than fixing a $42,000,000 helicopter in a sun-baked flight-line with an angry chief yelling at you over the radio to “hurry the f*ck up.” The customer also took my card and told me that she knows
a bunch of other college girls who need their computers fixed “all the time.”

So, that is my post for Tuesday. Let all the people of Earth read what I have written and be glad. Let a calm, soothing peace spread throughout the lands, and let tolerance and understanding rule the world. And let my friggin’ cell phone ring this morning so I can make some scratch.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Attractive young women bearing trays of beer

Greetings and salutations from me, Dan Manning. I'm on my front porch, broadcasting this via the miracle of wireless router communications. A lawnmower drones in the distance. Robins and sparrows frolic on my recently watered lawn. A Corona Extra sweats seductively by my side. The kids have friends over in the house, entertaining themselves in wholesome and non-annoying ways. Deb is visiting with her friend. The sun is shining. I am basking in the afterglow of a well-made cigar mightily smoked. My feet are bare, my head is clear, with the slightest hint of a beer buzz painting a golden halo around all things.

I have written fabulous fictions that will astound and delight millions of readers.

I have listened to my iPod and enjoyed numerous Podcasts that, in hearing them, make me feel hip and connected.

Yesterday I golfed in the 3rd annual Firehouse Open. Much Bloody Mary Mix was consumed, along with a mysterious active ingredient that made me sociable and happy. I hit the golf ball in a confident and able manner, sending it aloft in straight, true trajectories which landed them for the most part on neatly manicured fairways. Later I enjoyed the company of friends and acquaintances while eating spiced hot-wings and viewing multiple sporting events on large screens. Attractive young women bearing trays of beer catered to my every need.

Yes, this is a good weekend. May you enjoy yours as well

Peace in the Middle East!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Let all people of earth read what I have written.

I'm at the library! But I'm posting this anyways.

I gave up trying to read Atlas Shrugged by next Tuesday, so I bought a copy and took it back. Then I thought, "wouldn't it be super keen to see my web-page from the library?"

Then I thought, what a super-cool frood I'd be if I posted to my blog from a public place, typing shamelessly in full view of my adoring public?

So I sat down at this terminal (K140 if you'd like to make a pilgrimage) and opened the Firefox browser.

I had to put in my library number, which I will not be publishing here. I punched it in a couple times, I have a library card keychain-thingy. I punched it in and it came up wrong, I double-checked the number. It matched the number on the screen, but then I realized I was punching in my BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO card number. I hope some shifty librarian hasn't key-logged my blockbuster number. I'd hate to pay fines for movies like "Out of Africa" or "Sophie's Choice." Friggin' librarians.

I had 4 stops today: A keyboard/spyware job at an used automobile place; a chkdisk/print server job at an accounting office downtown; a fan replacement at some place I have no idea what they do, but I had to call Diebold and another company, and I replaced the fans in a cool server; and finally, document revisions/data backup at an accounting place.

The wife's at work and the kids are at bible camp, so I might stop by for a pint (1) before making back to the homestead.

Let all people of earth read what I have written.

Peace!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

pooping out mulberries at an alarming rate

Today I did a “free estimate” for a laptop screen repair. I got the part number anyway. I’ll probably quote too high cause I don’t want to do it. The price will be naturally high because laptop screens are really expensive. I wish I had a laptop screen factory. But I’d have to move to China or India to afford the workers, so I guess I’m glad I don’t have a laptop screen factory.

I put some stamps on some postcards. I went to a print-shop where I might be their new computer guy. I ate some glumkies. I cleaned out my car. I went golfing. I shot a 47. That’s pretty good for me. I like golf. Went with Deb to pick up the girls from bible camp. On the way back, a guy was pealing his tires at every stoplight. He was driving a Mustang. What a jackass.

I’m like, really really tired, because I don’t get enough exercise, so every round of golf on Tuesday is like I ran a marathon or something.

I had three cruncy tacos at Taco Bell. I visited Mark at the Firehouse. I read some more of my book. I actually made a spreadsheet with a chart to figure out how many pages a day I would have to read to finish it before it’s due back at the library. Looks like I’m going to have to buy the book, cause I can’t read that fast. And I’ve already renewed it once already, and I think they only let you renew once. I’m a library geek. Live with it.

There was only one place to put our pool, and unfortunately, it’s under a mulberry tree. The friggin’ mulberry tree is pooping out mulberries at an alarming rate this year. I blame Al Gore and global warming.

Monday, June 19, 2006

today I ate some pasta.

Today is Deb’s Birthday. I got her a LIFE magazine from the week she was born. I bought her some champagne. Some neighbors came over and we had a nice little get-together.

Today I backed up dental information at a dental office, told someone they needed to get a new computer, enabled Adobe PDF printing, and programmed a remote control. I browsed for used books, dropped off a computer, ate some pasta, and printed some postcards.

Yesterday we (the family) took a long walk. I saw a kid with a remote control SUV, and the batteries died. Ha ha.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Father's Day

box-duck-cardboard thingy
Today I was served an omelet in bed that was too large to eat. I'll have the rest for lunch. The girls brought me breakfast in bed, the newspaper, gifts and cards. I couldn't finish the omelet, so I'll have it for lunch.

The girls are at church. They joined a church this week, God bless em. I feel that Sunday is a day of rest, so I'm not going. And church is friggin' BORING.

I'm reading my book and typing once in awhile, and otherwise taking it easy. I'm reading Atlas Shrugged. I'm at the part where they're about to run the train over the bridge made with the controversial "Rearden Metal."

I’m also reading PrairyErth by William Least Heat~Moon. It’s about Kansas. So far. Pretty good, I’ll let you know.

Savannah made a box-duck-cardboard outfit out of two boxes. The whole family took a long walk. It rained.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Tip: Meet the New Neighbors

If you move to a new house, here’s how to meet the new neighbors: Have a Garage Sale. I know this works, because we have had new neighbors for a few weeks now, but I haven’t gone over to introduce myself. Why not? Because I don’t want to meet people simply because some random Realtor showed a random house to some random people. That’s my excuse, I’m really shy. But enough about me: Here’s why you should have a garage sale when you move to a new house: The neighbors, even unsociable dickheads like myself, will come over and introduce themselves and buy some of your junk.

This morning the new neighbors had a garage sale, and I went over and looked at all their junk and introduced myself. I got 4 words for ya: “Framed Dale Earnhardt
Poster.”

But despite that, I met the new neighbor lady, and she’s nice. Deb and Savannah just went over to look at their sale as well. So let’s be neighborly.

then i saw a young woman walking a wiener dog

Last night I dreamt: I was walking home. Not sure why I was walking. Blogger headquarters was in Grand Rapids, and on my walk home, I decided to go inside to podcast there. It was a huge brick building, very tall, and the lobby was marble floors and the ceiling went way, way up, like an antrium.

I went inside and heard someone snicker, “Tourist again.” I looked up and recognized someone I had once worked with at Meijer, standing on one of the walkways. I can’t think of his name, (in fact, it was another geek I know, but I don’t know his name either. I don’t think he ever worked at Meijer.)

So I go upstairs and ask him about maybe working there and he starts telling me about “ignoring politics” and “trying to just go everywhere and work with all the teams” and I ran out of there fast.

Then i saw a young woman walking a wiener dog and the dog sniffed my leg, and the woman says: “He’s looking for tobacco.” I said I didn’t have any, or I’d give her a cigarette. Then the woman said it was my lucky day and she gave me some acid. It looked like an Alka-Seltzer. I never got to take it, because I woke up.

I’ve turned off the screed that is the 24 hour news cycle and liberal talk radio. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care what “they” do anymore, and “they” never cared what I’m doing. Screw it. We’re fucked, and I might as well close my eyes and enjoy myself while my government still allows it. So rah rah rah, yea for us.

Last night I sat on the porch, smoked a cheap cigar, and listened to my iPod. Then I noticed how much talk radio crap was on there, and how little there was of any good music. I copied my Beatles library onto my computer, and then onto my iPod. Now my iPod is happy.

I have to get started on my non-fiction book. I have to do some market research. I hope no one else has taken the title.

I also learned something fascinating yesterday: You can return stuff to Goodwill. That’s not the fascinating thing: People actually DO return stuff to Goodwill. What kind of cheap-ass do you have to be to return stuff to a place that supports charity? It’s Charity you numb-f*cks. Dammit. Every day people are making me more cynical than I was the day before.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Giant Foam Cowboy Hat Thursday

Today I drove twenty miles for a windows xp pro cd, only to be told, oops, it’s a windows 98 cd. damnit. So I stopped to find one, and ended up configuring email configurations for a law office. I made postcards to spread the gospel of my computer fixing miracles, and then I went to the bank. On the way back, I found Gigantic Orange Foam Cowboy hats. I brought them home, and then Savannah and I decided to walk all the way down Plainfield at rush hour wearing those hats. We got 15 honks, 5 “thumbs ups” a “yee-haw” and two “Cute hates” compliments. We made a fine spectacle out of ourselves, and I bet a bunch of people went home and said, “You won’t believe what I saw on the way home . . .”

Then I cut dead wood from the side of the house, and we all went swimming and listened to the oldies station.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Craig Kilborn is not dead


I have seen the enemy
Originally uploaded by danmanning2001.
Is “Flag Day” a real holiday? Apparently the Post Office thinks so, because they didn’t deliver the friggin’ mail and I didn’t know why. Slackers. “Flag Day” is a real holiday the same way “Arbor Day” is a real holiday: it isn’t.

I’m out on the patio writing this. It’s a fabuloso day out today.

This morning I picked up a PC to reformat, but the lady didn’t have the XP CD . . . well whatever, she’s wasted a lot of my time. But I need the money so I have to be nice.

I told a Hispanic man he needed to buy a new computer.

I discovered, to my horror, a woman running a PC with only 32M ram. I sold her 128 and hooked up her DSL connection. The world is now a better place. I’m sure I’ll be back to clean up the spyware soon.

I started some market research for a NON FICTION book idea. I went to the library to study up on what was already out there. I have to compose a query letter and such. I will not tell you my multi-million dollar idea, cause I’m afraid there are unscrupulous people out there who might steal my idea and leave me destitute. Of course, I’m not talking about you, Dear Reader, you are my favorite person in the whole wide world. Yes, You!

I saw a Geek Squad mobile in traffic today, and I took a picture of it.

Craig Kilborn is not dead. Deb and I weren't sure. We thought a former host of The Daily Show had killed himself, but I guess we were mistaken.

Monday, June 12, 2006

It’s just a video game

Last night I deactivated my World of Warcraft account. I was spending every free moment I had on that game. It was consuming every last minute of my idle thoughts. I was addicted. After spending, I don’t know, at least three and a half hours in one game dungeon last night, killing fake monsters and collecting fake treasure, and after going to sleep at 3+ in the morning, I knew I’d had enough.

I was at the point that I didn’t want to do anything except play that stupid game. It’s just a video game, but it’s so addictive. It lets you forget your troubles and start worrying about the troubles of a pretend person. Gather this and kill that and go there and talk to this or that person. Bid for that and trade this and make that and move over there. Travel here and kill this and collect this many of these and watch your “progress.” It’s like “Busy Town for “adults.”

F#ck!

I wasted so many hours on that game. It’s pathetic.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Savannah graduates to Middle School

Savannah graduates 4th grade. Now it's on to Middle School, and the school bus. (sniff) my little girl is growing up.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

transported to a hospital in banana boxes

Here's a sentence I never expected to read . . . anywhere:

"The area, around Baquba, has become one of the most violent in the country. Authorities found eight heads on a road in the area on Saturday that they transported to a hospital in banana boxes. One of the heads belonged to Sheik Abdel Aziz Mashhadani, 39, from the restive town of Tarmiya, his cousin said."

You just don't expect to run across a sentence like that in the New York Times. And did the one head in particular still "belong" to Mr. Mashhadani? I mean, once it comes off, you've "lost" it, haven't you?

Choristers hoist the trophy

Savannah got her picture in the paper! Congratulations!

bla bla bla bla bla

yesterday I delivered a PC. I purchased an 8 port switch for a job on Monday. Today, I'm going to a jewelry store to get the tape backup to eject. Why are they still using tape backups? I don't know. Nor do I care. As long as they keep having to call for stuff, I'm okay.

I worked on my website and then had some beers at the Hideout. While there, they were playing "Dazed and Confused" DVD, and it was mildly entertaining. I would have mowed the lawn, but it rained.

This post is boring, and I'm already apologizing for it before I'm done writing it.

Friday, June 02, 2006

thepictureofeverything.com

thepictureofeverything.com

While browsing through FHM magazine at the Hideout Brewery, I came across a link to this page. The guy doodled a huge doodle with almost everything. Scroll down to the big bottom-left mural, and click it to get a larger view. The guy's got everything from Citizen Kane to the Wizard of Oz and everything in between in this picture. Pretty friggin' cool.

Today one of my customers got whacked by lightning. Lightning is weird. When I was in the Navy, when I lived in our little brick house in VA, our house got struck by lightning while Deb and I and a couple we hung out with were watching a Blockbuster VHS (yes, I said VHS). So I turned momentarily to grab my drink. While I was looking at my drink, a bolt of lightning came through the side window next to our loveseat (where our guests were sitting) and hit the FRONT of our VCR.

I missed the whole thing, but Deb and Rob and Kara were freaked out!

They all described the same thing: the bolt of lightning came through the center of the windowpane, arced through the air, and hit the front of the VCR.

I got a free rental out of the deal, because we couldn't get the tape out to take back.

In other news, I propagated .pdf printing powers, and looked at a switch that was fried by lightning. Plus, another guy in the building had his computer fried, so that’s a bonus for me. Data recovery and computer rebuilding and such.

Go Global Warming! Thunderstorms: Activate!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Let all people of earth read these words and know that they are true

Today I enabled email delivery to all lawyers downtown. I drank some coffee, played a video game, chopped some wood, read a book, watched the news, cleaned the pool, faxed, installed anti-virus software, reformatted a computer, used my new SATA-USB adaptor for data backup initiatives. It was a great day. It's June already. The kids are antsy to get out of school, and the humidity is pooling in different areas of my person.

So. Let all people of earth read these words and know that they are true. Peace!

i am relax-o-boy . . . . oh, wait, maybe not.

I am relax-o-boy. For some reason today, I feel relaxed, tanned, and rested. Not sure why. I'm just like, "hey, groovy." or something.

I guess it might have to do with Deb. She got a part-time position instead of resource, so now we're going to get actual healthcare coverage, so I feel like we’re part of the human population again, instead of being Morlocks or something.

The war is depressing the hell out of me. Last night on the news they had a story of a father and mother being shot at a checkpoint. In front of the five kids in the back seat of their car. They had a photo of a little girl, about five or six years old, screaming in horror and crying.

(By the way, who the fuck is taking pictures of somebody else’s grief like that? Its depressing. Shouldn’t we listen to the “president” and just see happy news?)

So this little girl sees her parents massacred by a bunch of guys in wrap-around mirrored sunglasses and desert camouflage. Isn’t “freedom” delicious? It makes it’s own gravy.

I wonder how they told her they were sorry. oops. our mistake. I suppose if we hadn’t invaded your country by accident (or on purpose?) we wouldn’t have shot your parents. But hey, you’re liberated. Doesn’t that make you feel better? Here, have a lollipop.

Hmm, how does that “freedom” taste? Good? Do you love democracy now?

Gosh, my relax-o-boy feeling is suddenly gone. What a fucking downer.

About Me

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I am the author of 8 books: Android Down, Firewood for Cannibals, Brain Giblets, The Cubicles of Madness, Booze and News, Get Your Zen On, Zen Happens, and most recently, Robot Stories. I live and write in Michigan. My website is at danmanning.com

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